(no subject)
Starting on Friday the 13th, everything was great. I saw Kaelin after not seeing her for a couple of weeks. Having actually broken up about a month before, we were "on the rocks", but we decided to meet up. Between the breakup and that time, we did hang out and still talk and even had sex several times. We were lonely and confused, but I thought we could work through everything. Rittenhouse was where we met that night, and we walked around for a while until we decided to go back to my place and just lay low, and that made me happy. She stayed over and we went our separate ways on Saturday. We kept talking, and she asked me to come hang out with her friends on Wednesday after work. She said she wanted me to be there, and I thought everything was going to be okay. I really wanted everything to be okay. She spent the night again, and I drove her to her aunt's Thursday morning.
I had a therapy appointment Thursday morning, and it was only my second at that point. When I arrived at the building, the security guard at the front desk informed me that the therapist wasn't able to make it that day. Later, I found out that I was the only person whose number the therapist didn't have, so I was the only sucker that showed up. I put a bunch of money in the meter, and not wanting to waste that time, I got breakfast at a little place that I saw many times before, but never made it in. It was kind of meh. I went home and got some more sleep, and decided that I would try and worrk on my Penn application, due last Sunday. I procrastinated and never managed to get anything done, so Thursday was a total waste.
Worked Friday, meh. Saturday, Kaelin and I were planning on seeing Modest Mouse, but first thing I had to take the SATs in the morning. Very awkward, especially considering I was the only person born before 1990 in there. It was tedious and annoying, but easy, and afterwards I had a very surreal feeling, like I wasn't living my own life. I still kind of feel that way. Kaelin had a bike race in NYC, and by the time I parked and got to work, she was finished. I talked to her, and she did well, and was excited to see Modest Mouse. Finished work, and found out that Kaelin's ride lost his keys (and later got lost because his GPS unit was set in the wrong mode). So, of course, I went to the Bean after work and sat around for at least three hours, waiting around like a sucker.
She didn't even get back into the city until 11. I wasn't that upset, but I felt bad for her because she really wanted to see the show. I talked to her for a bit that night, but only through text. I tried to get in touch with her on Sunday, but to no avail. I had to finish the Penn application, so I couldn't dwell on it too much, but I knew something was up. I freaked out when I couldn't get the app done - too much info missing - so I tried to call her again, but ended up not getting in touch with her. I did talk to my mom, and she calmed me down and told me that I should just take the application into the office in person. I went to sleep at that.
Monday, I woke up late, and in a shit mood. I was running late for class, but Corey called me along the way and told me that Penn was having an admission info session. Deciding that transferring was more important than Java programming, I ditched class and went to that. I found a sweet parking spot where the meter was broken, and I had time to get breakfast too! Everything was going great.
Then it all fell apart. I got a bagel from Wawa, and on the first bite I felt something hard. I thought it was a piece of glass, and I pulled it out and looked at it. It definitely did look like glass, but I didn't feel like dealing with it, so I went to the transfer office. While tonguing my teeth walking down the stairs, I discovered that what I actually bit into was a piece of one of my teeth. One of my fucking teeth chipped off and I bit into it. Undeterred, I walked downstairs only to find out that the information session was for incoming freshmen only. Total waste of my time. Frustrated, I went home and decided to get ready for work.
I signed into Gmail, and saw that Kaelin was online. I started talking to her and explaining my miserable day, and she felt bad.
Then she told me that she was dating someone else.
I had no idea what to feel. I knew we weren't officially back together, but everything felt like it was right. And she sprung this on me at the worst time ever. She said she met him through class, and that she liked him, and didn't mean for it to happen this way. I've done this to someone before, but we were only dating for a month or so. I felt terrible about it, and I didn't do it in such a dishonest fashion. I told Kaelin on Wednesday that I still loved her, and she returned the sentiment.
Since then, I've been a bit of a wreck. Tuesday was miserable, and I barely ate anything. I did manage to get some writing done for the Penn application, so it wasn't a total loss though. Wednesday was work again, but after class and before work, I had to drop off the application. On the way, I was on the verge of breakdown. I was crying and had trouble moving, and actually had thoughts of cutting my wrists. Thank God they told me at Penn that missing the application deadline wasn't a big deal, as I handed them a folder of forms nearly in tears. If they hadn't, I have no idea what I'd have done.
I'm feeling better now, but it still hurts. I don't know what to do. This was my first serious relationship, and I know I'm supposed to date more than just one person at this age, but I love her and care about her so much. We had our problems, but we're both at odd times in our life, and I thought that we could make it work. I still do, even if it takes a while and we're not together. Maybe it's me just being too hopeful, but I really do think that she and I could be together in the end. We couldn't, that's always a possibility, but... well, I don't know what I'm saying. I could never explain my feelings. I do know that I miss her, and the thought of her spending time with someone who can't even set a GPS in the right mode and loses his keys makes me kind of angry. Well, not because of those reasons, but because the things that she and I shared will be shared with someone else. It's selfish though because I don't want her to meet anyone she likes more than me, and I don't want to meet anyone I like more than her. But I guess I should try and meet other people? Maybe I will find someone else, or maybe I'll see that she's who I want to be with. And maybe she'll do the same, either find someone better for her, or realize that she wants to be with me. It's all so confusing, but I keep telling myself that if it was meant to be, we'll be together in the end. I don't want to go through this pain though, and I've been on both sides of it.
This is all so confusing and emotionally exhausting. I wish there was an easy way out, but I know that there isn't. The pain is part of being human.
I had a therapy appointment Thursday morning, and it was only my second at that point. When I arrived at the building, the security guard at the front desk informed me that the therapist wasn't able to make it that day. Later, I found out that I was the only person whose number the therapist didn't have, so I was the only sucker that showed up. I put a bunch of money in the meter, and not wanting to waste that time, I got breakfast at a little place that I saw many times before, but never made it in. It was kind of meh. I went home and got some more sleep, and decided that I would try and worrk on my Penn application, due last Sunday. I procrastinated and never managed to get anything done, so Thursday was a total waste.
Worked Friday, meh. Saturday, Kaelin and I were planning on seeing Modest Mouse, but first thing I had to take the SATs in the morning. Very awkward, especially considering I was the only person born before 1990 in there. It was tedious and annoying, but easy, and afterwards I had a very surreal feeling, like I wasn't living my own life. I still kind of feel that way. Kaelin had a bike race in NYC, and by the time I parked and got to work, she was finished. I talked to her, and she did well, and was excited to see Modest Mouse. Finished work, and found out that Kaelin's ride lost his keys (and later got lost because his GPS unit was set in the wrong mode). So, of course, I went to the Bean after work and sat around for at least three hours, waiting around like a sucker.
She didn't even get back into the city until 11. I wasn't that upset, but I felt bad for her because she really wanted to see the show. I talked to her for a bit that night, but only through text. I tried to get in touch with her on Sunday, but to no avail. I had to finish the Penn application, so I couldn't dwell on it too much, but I knew something was up. I freaked out when I couldn't get the app done - too much info missing - so I tried to call her again, but ended up not getting in touch with her. I did talk to my mom, and she calmed me down and told me that I should just take the application into the office in person. I went to sleep at that.
Monday, I woke up late, and in a shit mood. I was running late for class, but Corey called me along the way and told me that Penn was having an admission info session. Deciding that transferring was more important than Java programming, I ditched class and went to that. I found a sweet parking spot where the meter was broken, and I had time to get breakfast too! Everything was going great.
Then it all fell apart. I got a bagel from Wawa, and on the first bite I felt something hard. I thought it was a piece of glass, and I pulled it out and looked at it. It definitely did look like glass, but I didn't feel like dealing with it, so I went to the transfer office. While tonguing my teeth walking down the stairs, I discovered that what I actually bit into was a piece of one of my teeth. One of my fucking teeth chipped off and I bit into it. Undeterred, I walked downstairs only to find out that the information session was for incoming freshmen only. Total waste of my time. Frustrated, I went home and decided to get ready for work.
I signed into Gmail, and saw that Kaelin was online. I started talking to her and explaining my miserable day, and she felt bad.
Then she told me that she was dating someone else.
I had no idea what to feel. I knew we weren't officially back together, but everything felt like it was right. And she sprung this on me at the worst time ever. She said she met him through class, and that she liked him, and didn't mean for it to happen this way. I've done this to someone before, but we were only dating for a month or so. I felt terrible about it, and I didn't do it in such a dishonest fashion. I told Kaelin on Wednesday that I still loved her, and she returned the sentiment.
Since then, I've been a bit of a wreck. Tuesday was miserable, and I barely ate anything. I did manage to get some writing done for the Penn application, so it wasn't a total loss though. Wednesday was work again, but after class and before work, I had to drop off the application. On the way, I was on the verge of breakdown. I was crying and had trouble moving, and actually had thoughts of cutting my wrists. Thank God they told me at Penn that missing the application deadline wasn't a big deal, as I handed them a folder of forms nearly in tears. If they hadn't, I have no idea what I'd have done.
I'm feeling better now, but it still hurts. I don't know what to do. This was my first serious relationship, and I know I'm supposed to date more than just one person at this age, but I love her and care about her so much. We had our problems, but we're both at odd times in our life, and I thought that we could make it work. I still do, even if it takes a while and we're not together. Maybe it's me just being too hopeful, but I really do think that she and I could be together in the end. We couldn't, that's always a possibility, but... well, I don't know what I'm saying. I could never explain my feelings. I do know that I miss her, and the thought of her spending time with someone who can't even set a GPS in the right mode and loses his keys makes me kind of angry. Well, not because of those reasons, but because the things that she and I shared will be shared with someone else. It's selfish though because I don't want her to meet anyone she likes more than me, and I don't want to meet anyone I like more than her. But I guess I should try and meet other people? Maybe I will find someone else, or maybe I'll see that she's who I want to be with. And maybe she'll do the same, either find someone better for her, or realize that she wants to be with me. It's all so confusing, but I keep telling myself that if it was meant to be, we'll be together in the end. I don't want to go through this pain though, and I've been on both sides of it.
This is all so confusing and emotionally exhausting. I wish there was an easy way out, but I know that there isn't. The pain is part of being human.