just a lot of thoughts
Things with me haven't been peachy. I suddenly realized yet another thing about myself that is horrible. But I don't know how to change it. I'm not sure if I want to change it. It started when Erin Dixon and I were talking aboiut something I don't remember but somehow we were talking about sluts or something.
anyway she was talking about what she feels a slut is, and it made me feel like she was describing me. Now I know that she doesn't think that about me and I know she DEFINATELy wasn't trying to offend me. Infact she didn't i just suddenly started realizing why I do what I do, and it's wrong. But will I ever stop??? No, I like making out with complete strangers. It may sound sick but it makes me feel pretty, desired, even loved. I can pretend that even for that often short amount of time, someone actually wants me.
I know that's a sick reason to do what I do, but no one will ever really love me. I know this I believe this and I have faith in this. No one can change my mind because I truly believe that it's impossible for someone to look at me and want to be in a relationship with me more than anyone else. There may be some ppl who would settle for me, or who would pretend to like just to get me in bed, but no one can love me ever.
And all though I feel bad that I'm like this, I just fucking did a little dance when I realized my period ended early with the hope I can do something with someone this weekend or I wish sooner. I don't know. I hope no one thinks I'm a bad person if they read this. Or a dirty person or anything like that. It's not that I've slept with a billion guys because I haven't with been with hardly any. It's just the attention I feed of from boys. I have a male dependancy problem, maybe it's cause of my dad. But I think I've delt with that.I know where it's from. I know exactly why I'm this why and I fucking hate that man for what he did to her and what he did to me. I hate him and if I ever see him again I'll kill him.
Anyway I'm just talking to myself or typing to myself. it's not really relevant to anything I guess it's just me rambling about my life
anyway she was talking about what she feels a slut is, and it made me feel like she was describing me. Now I know that she doesn't think that about me and I know she DEFINATELy wasn't trying to offend me. Infact she didn't i just suddenly started realizing why I do what I do, and it's wrong. But will I ever stop??? No, I like making out with complete strangers. It may sound sick but it makes me feel pretty, desired, even loved. I can pretend that even for that often short amount of time, someone actually wants me.
I know that's a sick reason to do what I do, but no one will ever really love me. I know this I believe this and I have faith in this. No one can change my mind because I truly believe that it's impossible for someone to look at me and want to be in a relationship with me more than anyone else. There may be some ppl who would settle for me, or who would pretend to like just to get me in bed, but no one can love me ever.
And all though I feel bad that I'm like this, I just fucking did a little dance when I realized my period ended early with the hope I can do something with someone this weekend or I wish sooner. I don't know. I hope no one thinks I'm a bad person if they read this. Or a dirty person or anything like that. It's not that I've slept with a billion guys because I haven't with been with hardly any. It's just the attention I feed of from boys. I have a male dependancy problem, maybe it's cause of my dad. But I think I've delt with that.I know where it's from. I know exactly why I'm this why and I fucking hate that man for what he did to her and what he did to me. I hate him and if I ever see him again I'll kill him.
Anyway I'm just talking to myself or typing to myself. it's not really relevant to anything I guess it's just me rambling about my life