It's been like a year.
So, I'm back. Let's be realistic though - this will probably last for a post or two, acting as a forum by which I can feel as if there are other people out there in the world. I'll get out of my head for a day, or a week, or if I'm lucky a month, and then I'll be steadily sucked back into my academics and my jobs and everything that consumes me, internally and externally. I'll slip back into old habits of watching friends update, chiming in with a comment now and again, but never posting anything about my life or self.
I'm sitting at my desk right now writing up my Division III contract - for those of you not familiar with Hampshire College, this is my senior thesis (essentially a 40+ credit undertaking on the order of a masters thesis) contract - this is essentially the document that will define 95% of everything I do for the next year of my life. Over the last three weeks I have finished my Division II (again, for the non-hampshire versed, this is essentially a two year major program) and reflected heavily, both internally and in writing, on what I've done, learned, and understood over my three years in college to date. This is an interesting prospect - in something of a rush (my week has been very busy) I am defining what I am going to be doing 40+ hours per week for the next year, how I'm going to do that, and why I think it is important, relevant, valid, and interesting. How does one capture this and account for all the aspects that make it relevant?
My Division III is in computer science; I'm developing hardware and software to interface with the Google Android smartphone system. My goal? To develop a suite of applications and low-cost hardware that will allow individuals to easily monitor aspects of their health using their phone and low cost peripherals. I will focus on creating a diabetes monitoring, management, and analysis tool and a wireless pulse monitor/analyzer. When I say it in these clinical, precise terms it is clear what I want to do, and one could assume the why.
I am finding it hard to capture, however, the deeply personal ties I have to this particular area.
My little sister - a senior in high school now, a scary thought - was diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes when she was about 9 or 10 years old. I say about because I quite frankly am unsure when it happened - she has been living with this for so long, and in such a pervasive manner, that I can't remember a time when she wasn't dealing with it. She carries a blood glucose testing kit with her everywhere, and has a lot of trouble keeping her blood sugar under control. She is an athlete, and a teenager, and simply testing her blood sugar without understanding precisely how exercise, lethargy, stress, hormones, or even things as simple as the weather causes all sorts of trouble for her.
My second year at Hampshire College was incredibly difficult - I was depressed, shut-off, and unmotivated. I continually contemplated dropping out or transferring, and my only solace was going to the shop and blacksmithing for five or six hours in a row. During this time I developed a relationship with Don Dupuis, master blacksmith and woodworker, and perhaps the single kindest and most inspiring man I know. Conversations with Don over that year, despite centering on blacksmithing, fabrication, and cigars, helped me discover who I was and how I wanted to live my life. I believe those conversations to be the reason I am still in college today, as well as the impetus behind my attempts to shift myself into the person I aspire to be. Don has always had heart trouble, but it has gotten particularly worse recently. Last year he had two heart attacks, and they've given him enough surgeries that they cannot do anything except give him a new heart at this point - something he does not want. Many people in his life are concerned that he might at any given time have another heart attack with no warning when there is no-one around to call for an ambulance.
In a contract about the details of applications I want to write for a smartphone, how am I to capture the nature of these projects, and the impact they could have on individuals close to my own heart?
I'm wrestling with a lot of things in my life these days, beyond the relative banality of my Division III contract. Now, don't get me wrong - I'm in a relatively good place overall, and my next 8 months are shaping up well - I just got a job as a software contractor, I'm relatively excited about my thesis, and I get to spend almost as much time blacksmithing as I'd like. The problem is that I'm finding more and more that I miss the romanticism I abandoned for practicality years ago. I want to wander; to uproot myself and float around the world, finding experiences, friends, and stories to sustain me in years to come.
Here is the problem: I have a good career ahead of me in the software world - I'm a well-versed, competent engineer with a good bit of experience and rave reviews from my bosses. Hell, I even have a job offer for next July sitting on my desk right now. I could uproot myself, move to California, and be immediately transported to upper-middle class, self-sufficient status with good prospects and the ability to pay off my college debt.
I'm wrestling with these things because I've realized over the past three weeks that I have no idea what makes me happy. I know I cannot exist with human contact - sitting in a room while working on academic pursuits have been some of my most miserable moments to date, and the moments I cherish the most are the spontaneous all-night drives, watching the sun rise over mountains, and random conversations that blossom into friendships. The prospect of changing a life or two with my Division III excites me, but so does the prospect of traveling the world, living the life of a wanderer from a two-bit fantasy novel, just transplanted into a technological society.
I'm ranting and procrastinating now, and I need to get my Div III contract done, but in the meantime I am going to leave you all with this question, and hope you answer it... When my road forks as it soon will, how am I supposed to choose the life I want to live?
I'm sitting at my desk right now writing up my Division III contract - for those of you not familiar with Hampshire College, this is my senior thesis (essentially a 40+ credit undertaking on the order of a masters thesis) contract - this is essentially the document that will define 95% of everything I do for the next year of my life. Over the last three weeks I have finished my Division II (again, for the non-hampshire versed, this is essentially a two year major program) and reflected heavily, both internally and in writing, on what I've done, learned, and understood over my three years in college to date. This is an interesting prospect - in something of a rush (my week has been very busy) I am defining what I am going to be doing 40+ hours per week for the next year, how I'm going to do that, and why I think it is important, relevant, valid, and interesting. How does one capture this and account for all the aspects that make it relevant?
My Division III is in computer science; I'm developing hardware and software to interface with the Google Android smartphone system. My goal? To develop a suite of applications and low-cost hardware that will allow individuals to easily monitor aspects of their health using their phone and low cost peripherals. I will focus on creating a diabetes monitoring, management, and analysis tool and a wireless pulse monitor/analyzer. When I say it in these clinical, precise terms it is clear what I want to do, and one could assume the why.
I am finding it hard to capture, however, the deeply personal ties I have to this particular area.
My little sister - a senior in high school now, a scary thought - was diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes when she was about 9 or 10 years old. I say about because I quite frankly am unsure when it happened - she has been living with this for so long, and in such a pervasive manner, that I can't remember a time when she wasn't dealing with it. She carries a blood glucose testing kit with her everywhere, and has a lot of trouble keeping her blood sugar under control. She is an athlete, and a teenager, and simply testing her blood sugar without understanding precisely how exercise, lethargy, stress, hormones, or even things as simple as the weather causes all sorts of trouble for her.
My second year at Hampshire College was incredibly difficult - I was depressed, shut-off, and unmotivated. I continually contemplated dropping out or transferring, and my only solace was going to the shop and blacksmithing for five or six hours in a row. During this time I developed a relationship with Don Dupuis, master blacksmith and woodworker, and perhaps the single kindest and most inspiring man I know. Conversations with Don over that year, despite centering on blacksmithing, fabrication, and cigars, helped me discover who I was and how I wanted to live my life. I believe those conversations to be the reason I am still in college today, as well as the impetus behind my attempts to shift myself into the person I aspire to be. Don has always had heart trouble, but it has gotten particularly worse recently. Last year he had two heart attacks, and they've given him enough surgeries that they cannot do anything except give him a new heart at this point - something he does not want. Many people in his life are concerned that he might at any given time have another heart attack with no warning when there is no-one around to call for an ambulance.
In a contract about the details of applications I want to write for a smartphone, how am I to capture the nature of these projects, and the impact they could have on individuals close to my own heart?
I'm wrestling with a lot of things in my life these days, beyond the relative banality of my Division III contract. Now, don't get me wrong - I'm in a relatively good place overall, and my next 8 months are shaping up well - I just got a job as a software contractor, I'm relatively excited about my thesis, and I get to spend almost as much time blacksmithing as I'd like. The problem is that I'm finding more and more that I miss the romanticism I abandoned for practicality years ago. I want to wander; to uproot myself and float around the world, finding experiences, friends, and stories to sustain me in years to come.
Here is the problem: I have a good career ahead of me in the software world - I'm a well-versed, competent engineer with a good bit of experience and rave reviews from my bosses. Hell, I even have a job offer for next July sitting on my desk right now. I could uproot myself, move to California, and be immediately transported to upper-middle class, self-sufficient status with good prospects and the ability to pay off my college debt.
I'm wrestling with these things because I've realized over the past three weeks that I have no idea what makes me happy. I know I cannot exist with human contact - sitting in a room while working on academic pursuits have been some of my most miserable moments to date, and the moments I cherish the most are the spontaneous all-night drives, watching the sun rise over mountains, and random conversations that blossom into friendships. The prospect of changing a life or two with my Division III excites me, but so does the prospect of traveling the world, living the life of a wanderer from a two-bit fantasy novel, just transplanted into a technological society.
I'm ranting and procrastinating now, and I need to get my Div III contract done, but in the meantime I am going to leave you all with this question, and hope you answer it... When my road forks as it soon will, how am I supposed to choose the life I want to live?