blank stares are all I do
I was talking to a good friend of mine. We were talking about all sorts of things. One thing that resonates inside was something I brought up to him. I asked my mom if I could die. Her response: she set up an appointment with a shrink. I just keep thinking about my life. I want to runaway but I don't know what from. I keep thinking about my life and what I'm doing with it. I have aspirations to get a manager's position at my current job just so that at the end of the year I can transfer to another place after I wait the 6 months to reapply. Basically to keep from going into too much detail; all I can think is about how I can do good at one job in order to get the next or to make the money to go to a trade school so I can get another job. I'm finding life pointless and I'm not sure what I'm running from. Not to mention I'm also thinking that I'm just worthless. I feel selfish, like all I do is only for me yet I preach things like humbleness, loyalty, and family to my mother yet all I want to do is get as far from everything I hold dear as possible. I mean I'm finding that it's not that hard to just put space between me and other people that I value. First was Billy. He was my friend for years and we just grew apart. The most recent was Cera. I hardly ever talk to her or go see her or anything. I think I'm eventually going to do that to everyone. I don't think it's part of the whole "grow-up-move-on-with-life-make-new-friends-get-a-horrible-job-settle-down-squir-out-some-kids-and-die-thing." I think I'm just going to push people away. I don't feel as close to a lot of people as I used to. I'm not sure what I'm truthful about to myself either. I say I want to change and that I want to be better, but all I ever think about is becoming worse and worse. I'm not really sure what I'm thinking anymore about anything. I want there to be some point to everything I'm doing. I want there to be some point to wanting to runaway. I want to know what I'm running from. Are these things too much to ask for? I'm out.