cos you were all waiting with bated breath
Inspired by the ONTD Hot 100 men post, I proudly present:
IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER B/C I COULDN'T BE ARSED TO PUT THEM IN ACTUAL ORDER
Many thanks to chunsakuma, cake, and cosmicfish for their contributions to this list
All commentary is written by myself or by chunsakuma unless otherwise indicated
Now get some fresh batteries and enjoy!
1. Adam Scott
2. Alex O'Loughlin
I watch Hawaii Five-O for the plot.
3. Alexander Lee Eusubio (formerly of U-KISS)
Xander is partial to wearing what I have coined CVAs or Cock Visualisation Aids. It's all very technical. Ahem. They're those phallic decorative objects that male idols sometimes hang from one of their front belt loops under the pretense of ~fashion~. Yeah, no. It's clearly to make you think of their penis. He also calls himself "The Virgin King". Suuuuuuure, and I'm a nun. Nice try, asshole.
4. Alexander Skarsgård
Insert jokes about biting, sucking, etc. Actually, just insert something.
5. Aron Kwak of NU'EST
He's extremely facially gifted and he's American, so he's probably at least a LITTLE freaky.
6. Ben Barnes
7. Ben McKenzie
8. Bradley James
9. CNU of B1a4
In his promotional photos for B1A4's most recent repackage, he is writhing around in a bed, burying his O face into a pillow, and essentially giving a performance that wouldn't be out of place in a JAV. I mean, what other response is there to that blatant cockteasing than to wish you were in that bed with him?
10. Changjo of Teen Top
He's only 16 (SERIOUSLY WHAT 16-YEAR-OLD LOOKS LIKE THAT THOUGH UGGGGGGGGGH), but I have a feeling that he'll age well. Like a fine wine. And then I will suck him dry.
11. Chanyeol of Exo-K
I would LOVE to have all 6ft+ of Trollzzang on top of me, under me, behind me... whatevs, I'm flexible (literally). He can scream like in "Mama" and hell, he could even CALL ME mama. I give no fucks. Except to him. And everybody else on this list.
12. Cho Kyuhyun of Super Junior
Super Junior's evil maknae. Not as evil as I'd be if I got my hands on him.
13. Choi Jonghun of FT Island
I would personally volunteer to see how skilled this guitar player's fingers are.
14. Choi Siwon of Super Junior
Grab your rosary, Shisus, because I'll have you screaming God's name in vain. (Also, nice undies, asshole).
15. Chris Pine
I'm sure we would all like to climb his pine tree (credit to Harry S. Plinkett for that one).
16. Christian Bale
To quote my good friend and wordsmith xlivvielockex, "he is a horrible asshole of a person (being completely serious, he’s a douchenozzle) but I will gag him and use his body for my own purposes."
17. Cillian Murphy
The guy looks like an alien but I'm fine with him probing me.
18. Daniel Dae Kim
Again, I watch Hawaii Five-O for the plot.
19. Daniel Henney
Do I really need to comment on this?
20. Danny Pudi
Abed is my TV boyfriend.
21. David Tennant
I know what he can do with his Sonic Screwdriver.
22. Eli Kim of U-KISS
He doesn't even have two brain cells to rub together, but hey, that's not what I want to rub together when it comes to Eli. His thighs are so legendary that they have their own name (the Elighs) and are well on their way to having their own Twitter account, a la Reza's mustache.
23. Ewan McGregor
So many lovely layers. I could peel them all off like a wrapping on a christmas present.
24. G.O of MBLAQ
One of the few K-pop idols who actually possesses chest hair (although you can't see it here). You know you want to take a walk in the black forest.
25. G-Dragon of Big Bang
Good things come in small packages. Idc what size ~his~ package is, but it can come in me anytime.
26. Garrett Hedlund
I sat through Eragon and that LiLo movie for this asshole. Enough said.
27. Godfrey Gao
Someone on ontd asked if he does anything other than be hot. The question is, does he need to do anything else?
28. Hayden Christenson
He, Ewan, and Harry S. Plinkett's commentary are the only reasons to ever sit through the Star Wars prequels. And possibly Natalie Portman's midriff.
29. Hwang Minhyun of NU'EST
He has this pair of grey skinny jeans that are basically painted on him... oh? What's that in my hand, you ask? It looks like paint thinner, you say? Oh ho ho, your eyes must be deceiving you.
30. Ian Harding
He plays a teacher on Pretty Little Liars. He can give me private lessons anytime.
31. Ian Somerhalder
32. James McAvoy
33. Jamie Dornan
The hot sheriff on Once Upon a Time. So much innuendo, so little time.
34. Jang Dongwoo of Infinite
In Infinite's most recent promotions, they seem to have gained an eighth member : Dongwoo's member. He also has an epic crying face and it's a nice amuse-bouche of what he might look like when his face is contorted in pleasure.
35. Jesse Williams
36. Joel McHale
37. John Barrowman
Phallic symbols yay.
38. John Cho
39. Jon Hamm
40. Jonas Armstrong
41. Josh Hutcherson
I want his baguette in my mouth.
42. Jung Jinyoung of B1A4
He looks like Lee Joon's illegitimate little brother and he writes songs, so he clearly has exceptional ~aural sensitivity~. It's a win-win.
43. Jung Yonghwa of CN Blue
44. Kang Daesung of Big Bang
Aww, he's even topless and chained up for me in the MV for "Fantastic Baby"! How convenient~
45. Kang Minhyuk of CN Blue
46. Kangnam of MIB
He's half Japanese and half Korean and it adds up to 100% of something that I want in me.
47. Karl Urban
48. Kevin Woo of U-KISS
Ah, my gateway twink. We all have one, amirite? ~crickets~ No? Psh, fuck all uh y'all. His fingers are so long that they can hit cervixes and for such a skinny guy, he has one hell of a caboose.
49. Key from SHINee
Sexytimes with Key would have to be just like him : so hipster that it hurts. I envision being in a white room with him, both of us nude and next to buckets of paint. We would splatter each other with them and end up fucking on the floor, our bodies and movements creating a beautiful masterpiece. Later, after I've left, sated, he would showcase the room in an exhibit with his ~art~ (I obviously use the term lightly), entitling it something like "Blue Room-ie".
50. Kim Heechul of Super Junior
He loves cats. My name is Cat. This works out nicely.
51. Kim Hyun Joong of SS501
I love a man in a suit. Almost as much as I'd love him out of the suit.
52. Kim Jaeseop "AJ" of U-KISS
His head is seriously the biggest head that I have ever seen in my entire life. Like, I'm not even sure that humans should medically HAVE heads that big. In any event, its sheer size would definitely make it easier for me to clamp my thighs around.
53. Kim Jung Mo of TRAX
Giving the term "silver fox" a whole new meaning
54. Kim Myungsoo "L" of Infinite
This boy's face and lower body are criminal. I'll finally be able to test out my fuzzy hot pink handcuffs.
55. Kris of Exo-M
Kris is to me what Seungri is to tzechar. Just as ~Lord Seungri~ guides them on the journey that is life, I have accepted Krisus Krist into my heart as my Lord and Saviour. He is an Asian Greek God that absolves me of my sins and makes me a hornier better person.Oh yeah, and I would do things to him that would make even Satan turn green and steady himself on the nearest large piece of furniture.In Krisus' name, amen.
56. Lay of Exo-M
WHO THE FUCK WEARS A WHITE WIFEBEATER ON AN AMUSEMENT PARK RIDE WHERE YOU ~KNOW~ THAT YOU'RE GOING TO GET WET? THIS BAITING SON OF A BITCH. HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT GOT WET. HE BETTER FUCKING REIMBURSE ME FOR THE NEW PANTIES THAT I HAD TO BUY. THANKS, ASSHOLE.
57. Lee Donghae
Donghae's name translates to "east sea". He should take notes from The Bloodhound Gang's infamous classic "The Bad Touch" because it was I that wrote the line "I want to sail in your south seas" and I had him in mind.
58. Lee Hyuk of Norazo
He looks sort of like the Asian Russell Brand. But hot.
59. Lee Jonghyun of CN Blue
Those calloused fingers from playing guitar will come in handy. LOL GET IT? HANDY.
60. Lee Joon of MBLAQ
Joon is accomplished at ballet. As such, I'd like to reenact ~the~ Mila/Natalie scene from "Black Swan" with him.
61. Lee Jungshin of CN Blue
The hair. THE HAIR. I feel like it should be in a shampoo commercial, but for now I guess I'd be content just pulling on it.
62. Lee Kiseop of U-KISS
His large shiny brown eyes, wide nostrils, and big projecting ears have long caused a running joke amongst Kiss Mes that he resembles a cow. If that's the case, then I will gladly milk him. I don't even mind if it gets on my hands.
63. Lee Sungjong of Infinite
This kid's ass WILL. NOT. QUIT. Seriously, it kind of defies the laws of physics. He has also shown time and time again in his dance covers of girl group songs that his hips don't lie, but I'd like to find out for myself.
64. Lee Sungyeol of Infinite
"Do you hear me?" I'll do things to you that'll make the entire block hear you, bb~
65. Lenny Kravitz
66. Luhan of Exo-M
He looks about 12, but shit, look at the rest of this list. Some of the people on here are only a few years OLDER than 12. At least Luhan has a decade on that. He may appear innocent, but I bet that beneath all of that aegyo, he's a deviant sex freak.
67. Matt Bomer
Matt Boner.
68. Michael Vartan
Remember when he was a priest on Alias? Bless me Father Vartan, for I have sinned.
69. Nam Woohyun of Infinite
There's a reason why they call him WoohyUNF, people. It's not just for shits and giggles. His voice is "aural sex" and he makes me want to give him the homonym of that (even though HE'S the one with the cock-sucking lips).
70. Nathan Fillion
"The Hammer is my penis." I'm sure it is, Nathan.
71. Nicholas Hoult
72. Onew of SHINee
This boy is the biggest galactic cocktease since Padme Amidala.
73. Park Jungmin
Gotdamn I love me some twinky Asian men (in case you couldn't tell) and this boy is beautiful. Even with that nose job, oy.
74. Rafael Nadal
75. Rain
No comment.
76. Ren of NU'EST
Oh, lord. Where do I even start with this one? he's basically a flawfree androgynous demigod sent down to rub his inhuman beauty in the faces of us mere mortals. That's not the only thing that he can rub in my face though~
77. Robert Sheehan
78. Rodrigo Santoro
79. Ryan Gosling
I really think the magnificent Reza says it all: http://youtu.be/Xh8Wxxj1aJM
80. Ryuta Yamamura
Five foot seven of sexy Japanese musician heaven.
81. Sandeul a.k.a. Rubbah Slippah of B1A4
I would kill to ride his meaty thighs to ecstasy and that isn't a figure of speech. I would legit go all Plinkett on peoples' asses and hide their bodies in my basement.
82. Se7en
I'd commit some deadly sins with him.
83. Seongwon of Taken
"I'm number one, the best Korean wolf!" YEAH YEAH YEAH WHATEVER. Can I trace your tattoo with my tongue now?
84. Seth Gabel
Phallic symbols yay!
85. Seungri of Big Bang
... OK I tried to take his inclusion on this list remotely seriously and failed. Still, I love this little troll, omg.
86. Shemar Moore
87. Shin Dongho of U-KISS
This little shithead is a deranged sociopathic shortie, but hey, that's never stopped me before! Plus his lower body is bangin'. Also, he's legal next month! (OK that was creepy)
88. Shin Soohyun of U-KISS
With his quality thighs and voice that makes angels cry, he makes ~my~ thighs quiver and causes me to cry too. But not from my eyes.
89. Son Dongwoon of Beast
He's the only member of Beast who doesn't look like one and he should be rewarded for that. With vagina.
90. Song Joongki
Needs no comment, I hope.
91. Song Seunghyun of FT Island
92. TOP of Big Bang
Look at his stage name. Do I really have to say anything else?
93. Taeyang of Big Bang
"Niagara Falls, baby girl, I got you wetter than" That sounds a little messy, but hey, I'm game as long as things don't get as slippery as the period sex scene in "50 Shades of Grey".
94. Tao of Exo-M
I want to see if his form is still as smooth when he's lying down and I'm riding his wushu stick.
95. Taylor Hanson
DILF.
96. Thomas Gibson
Also a DILF.
97. Tiger JK
With such gems as "Can you puke and shit at the same time?", who ~wouldn't~ want to have their way with this smooth talker?
98. Yeo Hoonmin of U-KISS
His face is DNW but I'd lick those abs and ride those thighs to ecstasy negl
99. Zac Efron
100. Zachary Quinto
I know that he's gay and I'm totally cool with that. I'd also be totally cool with helping him and his equally attractive boyfriend Jonathan Groff film a sex tape.
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OK so this post has taught me I have really weird taste. W/e man, ~*variety*~
Also sorry if I didn't include all your faves, this took aaaaeons and then I was too lazy to add anyone I forgot