picspam because I am bored: Star Trek: Enterprise vs. Smallville
I know, I know... into every generally awesome franchise a cringeworthily shitty-why-the-hale-did-they-make-this-but-goddamnit-I-can't-stop-watching installment must fall. In light of Scott Bakula's recent appearance on Chuck and the new Trek movie coming up, naturally my thoughts turned to Star Trek: Enterprise, which is so disastrously cracktacular that train of thought led to its Superman equivalent, Smallville. OK, so a hokey sci-fi series and an even hokier WB/CW/whatever-the-fork-it-is-these-days comic book series don't seem to have much in common, on the surface. But on closer thought, they may have more in common than we realize!
1. Extremely stupid/annoying pop song for the theme
Who'd win:
Enterprise, because while "somebody saaaaaaaaave me!" gets fucking annoying fast, at least it doesn't remind me of, to quote Simon Cowell, some "ghastly karaoke" sung by an Idol reject you know will get booted the next evening.
2. Run (into the ground) by a team of two annoying jokers
Who'd win:
Berman and Braga, because a) they have written some good eps on other Trek series and b) they're not as ugly.
3. Big Dumb Captain who wears primary colors vs. Big Dumb Alien who wears primary colors
Who'd win:
Clark, because he's got super powers. A battle of wits, however, could conceivably go on into infinity.
4. "Hot chick" with big fake boobies and really, really, bad wig vs. "hot chick" with big fake boobies and really, really bad highlights.
Who'd win:
T'Pol, whose bitchface alone would send Lois running for the hills. In slow-motion, while "Chariots of Fire" plays.
5. Shy chick who's actually ten times hotter than the supposed "hot chick"
Who'd win:
How about some crossover Hoshi/Lana action? Then we all win!
6. The dog whom I like better than anyone else on this trainwreck, excepting possibly Hoshi vs. the dog whom I like better than anyone else on this trainwreck, excepting possibly Lana
Who'd win:
Porthos, because he's got a space iguana's pituitary gland. Yeah, don't ask.
7. Gratuitous nudity for the most stupid of reasons
Who'd win:
Smallville, because at least we got Tom Welling (or body double)'s ass, although perhaps we should be thanking Heathus we never saw Scott Bakula's ass
8. Unintentional homoeroticism vs. Intentional homoeroticism
Who'd win:
Enterprise, because even though Lex is way, way gayer than anyone on Enterprise, unintentional is always funnier than intentional.
9. Shy hot chick who's a raging slutbomb in the mirror!verse vs. shy hot chick who's a raging slutbomb when a flower sneezes on her
Who'd win:
See #4
10. TBF
Who'd win:
Enterprise's Travis Mayweather, for that shirt alone.
11. Bondage!
Who'd win:
Smallville, but only because Tom's prettier
12. New movie comes out shortly afterward, which only serves to reinforce how godawful this TV series was/is:
Who'd win:
Star Trek by a mile, and I don't even have to see it first to know that. Cast is way better (Bosworth as Lois Lane? Really?), cast is way hotter (Chris Pine > Brandon "wax doll" Routh, not s2s), and we've got JJ Abrams running the show.
Pictures/caps stolen from:
Screencap Paradise
Trekcore
Superiorpics
The Agony Booth
1. Extremely stupid/annoying pop song for the theme
Who'd win:
Enterprise, because while "somebody saaaaaaaaave me!" gets fucking annoying fast, at least it doesn't remind me of, to quote Simon Cowell, some "ghastly karaoke" sung by an Idol reject you know will get booted the next evening.
2. Run (into the ground) by a team of two annoying jokers
Who'd win:
Berman and Braga, because a) they have written some good eps on other Trek series and b) they're not as ugly.
3. Big Dumb Captain who wears primary colors vs. Big Dumb Alien who wears primary colors
Who'd win:
Clark, because he's got super powers. A battle of wits, however, could conceivably go on into infinity.
4. "Hot chick" with big fake boobies and really, really, bad wig vs. "hot chick" with big fake boobies and really, really bad highlights.
Who'd win:
T'Pol, whose bitchface alone would send Lois running for the hills. In slow-motion, while "Chariots of Fire" plays.
5. Shy chick who's actually ten times hotter than the supposed "hot chick"
Who'd win:
How about some crossover Hoshi/Lana action? Then we all win!
6. The dog whom I like better than anyone else on this trainwreck, excepting possibly Hoshi vs. the dog whom I like better than anyone else on this trainwreck, excepting possibly Lana
Who'd win:
Porthos, because he's got a space iguana's pituitary gland. Yeah, don't ask.
7. Gratuitous nudity for the most stupid of reasons
Who'd win:
Smallville, because at least we got Tom Welling (or body double)'s ass, although perhaps we should be thanking Heathus we never saw Scott Bakula's ass
8. Unintentional homoeroticism vs. Intentional homoeroticism
Who'd win:
Enterprise, because even though Lex is way, way gayer than anyone on Enterprise, unintentional is always funnier than intentional.
9. Shy hot chick who's a raging slutbomb in the mirror!verse vs. shy hot chick who's a raging slutbomb when a flower sneezes on her
Who'd win:
See #4
10. TBF
Who'd win:
Enterprise's Travis Mayweather, for that shirt alone.
11. Bondage!
Who'd win:
Smallville, but only because Tom's prettier
12. New movie comes out shortly afterward, which only serves to reinforce how godawful this TV series was/is:
Who'd win:
Star Trek by a mile, and I don't even have to see it first to know that. Cast is way better (Bosworth as Lois Lane? Really?), cast is way hotter (Chris Pine > Brandon "wax doll" Routh, not s2s), and we've got JJ Abrams running the show.
Pictures/caps stolen from:
Screencap Paradise
Trekcore
Superiorpics
The Agony Booth