i see a lot of movies
Reviews that might be spoilish if you squint and tilt your head a bit, but nothing worse than you'd see on rotten tomatoes or any other review site. These include pictures, because it's fun, so dialup users, you've been warned.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Oh man, I loved Indiana Jones when I was a kid (which is also the last time I saw an Indy movie, although I think I caught the Last Crusade on cable a few years back). So I had to go just for the nostalgia factor, if nothing else. I totally used to crush on Harrison Ford (hello, he was Han Solo!) but for those in the audience under the age of 30, they threw in a leather jacket-clad Shia LaBeouf. And then we have Cate Blanchett being badass as usual, playing the scary Russian villain chick who bears a suspicious resemblance to a Romulan.
Yeah, I'd still hit it.
No comment, cos I ain't no Mary Kay Laterneau
So basically, Shia's character teams up with Indy to keep the evil commies from getting their hands on the crystal skull, which is sorta a really cheap version of the ring in Lord of the Rings (no, really... it looks like something the prop guys got off the sale rack at Spencer's). Apparently, as evidenced by Indy's loo loo friend, the last person to carry the skull, it has the power to drive its owner completely batshit. Cool! Unfortunately, Gollum never makes a cameo in this film, although pretty much everyone else does.
The script is a deft blend of drama and comedy, and the gags are smart and witty enough that the movie never falls into slapstick lameitude that inspires more groans than laughs (see also: Made of Honor). It's pretty much nonstop action and suspense. Our heroes spend most of their time crawling through moldy old caves and getting chased by zombies, natives in really skimpy loincloths (at least most of the extras had nice toned asses), and big ass ants. Shit blows up, the cgi flies thick and heavy, and many innocent cars sacrifice their lives to extravagant chase scenes. Many of the plot twists are easily predicted, but the humor and characters make up for it. Honestly, who really goes to these movies for mindblowing plots, anyway? It's a pretty safe bet 99% of us were just there for a spot of brain-on-idle, nostalgic fun and perving. And Crystal Skull delivers on that front.
Are the fangirls checking out my ass again?
Made of Honor
I went into this not expecting much, and my expectations were completely met. I actually got more laughs out of a review on rotten tomatoes which the reviewer used mostly as a thinly-veiled excuse to hate on Patrick Dempsey, who was, sadly, one of the few redeeming qualities of this silly comedy. That it could fail this epically with two attractive actors with good chemistry is a very special accomplishment indeed.
Although I'm not one to pick the plots of romantic comedies--really, who goes to these things for the plot--this one is especially stupid and farfetched. Patrick Dempsey's character, Tom, is a jiggy playa who gets more ass than a proctologist's office. He first meets our female lead, Hannah, in college, when he mistakenly slips into her bed thinking she's her skanky roommate. Hannah thinks he's a douchebag and blows him off. She's right on that front, but 10 years later, she's apparently gotten over it and they're BFFs. Hannah goes off to Scotland for a business trip, and while she's gone, Tom realizes he's over meaningless sex with women whose average IQ is about 80 and wants to be with Hannah. Took you long enough, douchebubble. But before Tom can spill his guts, Hannah returns with a hunka burning Scottish love, who happens to be her fiance. Now, Hannah seems like an intelligent, practical young woman. She was smart enough not to hook up with Tom, after all. I find it hard to believe she'd get engaged to some Scottish guy after knowing him for like a month. Of course, if said Scottish guy was David Tennant, then I'd totally buy it, but he's not, so I'm having a little harder time here. Anyway, Hannah asks Tom to be her maid of honor (hence the title) and Tom's like, "Oh, shit." So now he's gotta find a way to make her dump Scrooge McDuck before the wedding, which is coming up in a ridiculously short amount of time.
What follows is pretty painfully predictable. Lots of silly gags focused on tired male/female stereotypes, dumb jokes about glow-in-the-dark sex toys (don't ask), and, as we move into the Scottish portion of the film, lots of borderline offensive Scottish stereotyping. Even if you're not Scottish, you'll still be offended by how incredibly stupid it is. And if the movie can't stoop low enough for laughs, it resorts to fat jokes. Yeah, you read right. There's this one bridesmaid who really doesn't seem to have any characterization beyond being a bit on the chubby side. Nice one, scriptwriters.
No one can do that much decoupage without calling upon the dark arts!
Guess Tom likes to shop at Hot Topic.
Now, I can forgive a lot if a movie's got great characters and solid writing, despite the formulaic nature of romantic comedies. Let's face it, we all know how this story ends, and more or less how we're gonna get there. The trick is to be fun and fresh enough in other ways--acting, humor, wit--that the audience doesn't care. Made of Honor does not manage this. Go only if you really, really like Patrick Dempsey (and I mean really like him, but if you're still watching Grey's, then I suspect you probably do) or if you're the kind of person who thinks Epic Movie is the epitome of sophisticated humor. Otherwise, save your ten bucks, or at least wait for the DVD.
As usual, pictures stolen from movieweb and the caption from pic #1 in the Made of Honor review is a line from Buffy. The lj-cut line is stolen from Mean Girls.