Mom.

[iamsupertrav]

Rest in Peace Mother...while I contiunally try in vain to search for it amongst the living...your ultimate sacrafice gave us a chance at a life and the greatest sin taken against you gives us a chance to aquire the gifts you did without...thank you so much for exisiting...and even though my heart fills with despair and my mind drifts to the dark often...I know that you smile at my mistakes and my accomplishments. Im you're son and you're last legacy left in this world...me and Troy will make you proud this I swear, I SWEAR to you. The past fourteen years have spared us no sympathy or consideration due to our plight of pain and loss and lack of guidance...but we have pulled through when weaker people would've gaven up. The scars I bare are in remeberance of you...the smile in my eyes are you shinning your light through into my plane of reality...and the strength I have possessed with these many turbulent years is the direct gift you must have asked and pleaded with God to let me have. Often I think of just giving up and feeling the weakness and the venom that life spews at me on an hourly basis seep into my soul and let me just fade into my pain, my sorrow and my own damned depression, but I know better than that. You may have left me when I was at an age that I could not have learned much from you but I learned through the stories that my few relatives have enlightened me towards and the actions you took while you were with us. I know you're proud of me and I know if God allowed this kind of misery to settle into my life that I am intended to do something profound. Mom, theres not a minute that goes by in my mind that doesn't make my soul call out for your presence...your physical presence and I hate myself for it, cause its one unanswered prayer that will never come to fruition. Mom, you are the only thing slapping me in my face letting me know that somewhere, someone and somehow there's a reason Im put on this earth, and thats to finish what you started...to make a difference in someone's life. I could only wish that my own immature and adolesecent actions haven't scorned you enough to the point of you shedding a tear over my deeds. I pray everyday for the storm inside my heart to ease away and calm down...but it never comes, and I don't know how to do it myself. Temporary fixes come into my life and temporarly make my pain ease...my own damned self pity. But they leave. I hate my own desire for someone to pity me,...even though my selfish side tells me I deserve it. To hell with it all...I can take it all. I've taken enough to fill a hundred lives but I can take it. My heart never heals, it stays broken. My strength is my greatest weakness in that I can't stand it one little bit. I DESPISE IT, but I came to the conculsion tonight, Mother, on the day of your 14th Anniversary of your parting, that my strength isn't me, not at all. My strength is you telling me I have people who look to me as an example. If someone with my trials and tribulations has yet to give up, then theres hope for others, I'd suppose. Thats my own little fairy tale fantasy at least...but yes,...my strength is you, my strength is what most have and don't take advantage of...a mother who scratches their back with her long fingernails...a mother who calls to make sure you washed your laundry...a mother who reminds you to clean your room...a mother to call when you've met the woman of you're dreams...Mom I sit in tears and I would guess slight insanity for talking to you, but thank you for the being inside my heart, inside my soul...for being my strength and my unending resolve against life's bitter taste for making it painfull for those who are unlucky enough to have the sun frown instead of grin on their lives...I love you Mom, and in me you are remebered forever...Rest in peace mom...14 years.

Rest in peace mom among the departed, and help me find contentment from the rage...help me find peace amongst the living.

Love,
Travis.