(no subject)
Say hello to my new hero comedian, Mitch Hedberg. He and I think the same thoughts, only he manages to put them into intelligent, clever, marketable phrases.
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
"I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me because she said, "OK, how would you like your eggs, sir?" I tried to answer anyhow: "Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!"
"I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizzeria locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
"I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."
"I have a cheese-shredder, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips."
"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, "Fuck it. Cut 'em up!"
"I'm lactose intolerant, so I eat my cereal with a fork."
"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
"They say Diet Dr Pepper tastes just like regular Dr Pepper. Well, then, they fucked up!"
"I wanted this candy bar in a vending machine..the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, found the H button, and pushed it twice...fuckin', potato chips came out, man, 'cause they had an 'HH' button, for Christ's sake, you need to let me know! I am not familiar with the concept of 'HH!' I did not learn my AA BB CCs. God god dammit dammit!"
"They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
"I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude - you have to wait!""
"They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"
"I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
"I'm staying at a hotel and it doesn't have a 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But c'mon, people on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? "1401." No, you're not! Jump out the window and you will die earlier."
"When I get a rental car, I usually don't know a lot about it, so I do things like driving for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the "emergency" brake. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever."
"Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience."
"In the South, they say y'all in the South. They take out the o and the u, so when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle... S'p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand me! I mean, I'm in the S'th, and I want some s'p! I stubbed my toe... 'ch!... I need to lay down on the c'ch... I need to get the f'ck 't of the S'th."
"I bought a house. It's a 2 bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are. Don't you? Fuck you, real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house. Sir, you've got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"
"I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said, "This is not a library." So I said, "All right, I will talk louder then!"
"I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This shirt would be half done!"
"They said "You can have this product for 4 easy payments of 19.95" I would like to have a product that was available for 3 easy payments, and 1 fuckin complicated payment. We aint gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck fucker! The last payment must be made in wampum!"
"I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why; that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker."
"I have a sister named Wendy, and if you asked my sister if I was weird she'd probably say "Yeah." But that's fucked up because she's weird, because she has a husband and two children, and they have a family portrait on their VCR where they are all looking slightly to the left, like something's going on over there. The camera is right in front of you! But apparently, something happened just to the left -that made everybody happy. But my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right the fuck on!"
"I wear v-neck shirts, this is a v-neck I got on. My neck is so fragile man, I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down."
"I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out."
"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."
"Hey, I did a radio interview for XM Radio. Nobody heard it, c'mon, who has XM Radio? (a few cheers) Hey, I'll be damned, it's growing in popularity. They said, 'You can swear on XM Radio.' No shit, cuz nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods too."
"You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fucking bullshit, man, because that thing would knock you on your ass!"
"I saw a commercial that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" ... So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were."
"I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say, "What the fuck am I supposed to do now? The water's only up to here. What should I do? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet? I can't even drown my kneecaps!"
"And then at the end of the letter I like to write, "P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable."
"My friend said to me, "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No, man, it's not the weather that is trippy. Perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"
"If you were walking down the street with Eddie and a car pulled up to you and two guys got out with ski masks and guns and said, "Get in the car. We're going to kidnap you," Eddie would've said, "Shotgun!" I would've been in the back seat with the other kidnapper... "He called it." Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo, so I fucked up."
"I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the fuckin' sound of my addiction."
"I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We es"timate that you are angry!"
"Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says, right on the bottle, 'Do not have more than 2.' Well then do not put a candy coating around it, for I cannot help myself. Let me have 10 Advil. I got a sweet tooth."
"I think Visine is only used by potheads. Who else would use Visine? "I use Visine because I don't want people to know that I was swimming."
"I got to act with Peter Frampton, he was in the movie. And we had to smoke pot for a scene, but it was FAKE pot. Do not buy pot on a movie set. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton. That's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton...I've done that WAY more."
"When I went to England to tell this joke, I had to find out if they knew who Smokey the Bear was. But they didn't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought "Man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog..." You never say 'here comes that frog' in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. "Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he'll settle near me, and I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate his natural environment."
"I was in my hotel's shower, and I started washing my hair, then I looked at the bottle, and it turned out I was using body wash. It was like a scene from one of those action movies where they get real close to the object. I was like, "Body wash... BODY WASH?" And then I realized my hair was part of my body and I didn't even care."
"I mumble a lot offstage; I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me. He'll say, "What?" So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says, "What?" But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
"I would imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. You'd say "Shut up! I don't understand! 'Share'...'the'...'we'...'too' -- I don't get it!"
"When it comes to racism, some people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green." Ah, hold on now...purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... Then, help 'em!"
"Thirteen's an unlucky number. If thirteen's unlucky, then so should the letter B be. Cuz B looks like a scrunched together thirteen. "Hello. What's your name?" "BOB." "Get the fuck away!"
"People in a parade are cocky. They think they've attracted an audience, but really it's just people waiting to cross the street. I could attract a crowd too if I stood in everyone's way."
"See, I'm a dreamer, man. And when I was a cook I'd always work with people who weren't dreamers. Like, I was cooking at this restaurant and I put a hot dog on the grill and my kitchen manager came over, and he said, "Mitch, put the hot dog up here, in the right hand corner of the grill, so in case you get a whole bunch of orders at once you have all this space available." See, that's how I knew he wasn't a dreamer, 'cause the day I give up my dreams is the day I have strategic grill locations. A dreamer has a philosophy: the entire grill is hot."
"That would be cool if the Earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons."
"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."
"I like the American-Canadian border because if you're walkin' along the border with your friend and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, because first he has to go through customs. 'What brings you to Canada?' 'That asshole.' 'When are you leaving?' 'When I regain my equilibrium.'"
"I've got a fire alarm at home. But really it's like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. "Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle."
"I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table."
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
"I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me because she said, "OK, how would you like your eggs, sir?" I tried to answer anyhow: "Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!"
"I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizzeria locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
"I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."
"I have a cheese-shredder, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips."
"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, "Fuck it. Cut 'em up!"
"I'm lactose intolerant, so I eat my cereal with a fork."
"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
"They say Diet Dr Pepper tastes just like regular Dr Pepper. Well, then, they fucked up!"
"I wanted this candy bar in a vending machine..the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, found the H button, and pushed it twice...fuckin', potato chips came out, man, 'cause they had an 'HH' button, for Christ's sake, you need to let me know! I am not familiar with the concept of 'HH!' I did not learn my AA BB CCs. God god dammit dammit!"
"They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
"I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude - you have to wait!""
"They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"
"I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
"I'm staying at a hotel and it doesn't have a 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But c'mon, people on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? "1401." No, you're not! Jump out the window and you will die earlier."
"When I get a rental car, I usually don't know a lot about it, so I do things like driving for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the "emergency" brake. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever."
"Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience."
"In the South, they say y'all in the South. They take out the o and the u, so when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle... S'p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand me! I mean, I'm in the S'th, and I want some s'p! I stubbed my toe... 'ch!... I need to lay down on the c'ch... I need to get the f'ck 't of the S'th."
"I bought a house. It's a 2 bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are. Don't you? Fuck you, real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house. Sir, you've got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"
"I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said, "This is not a library." So I said, "All right, I will talk louder then!"
"I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This shirt would be half done!"
"They said "You can have this product for 4 easy payments of 19.95" I would like to have a product that was available for 3 easy payments, and 1 fuckin complicated payment. We aint gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck fucker! The last payment must be made in wampum!"
"I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why; that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker."
"I have a sister named Wendy, and if you asked my sister if I was weird she'd probably say "Yeah." But that's fucked up because she's weird, because she has a husband and two children, and they have a family portrait on their VCR where they are all looking slightly to the left, like something's going on over there. The camera is right in front of you! But apparently, something happened just to the left -that made everybody happy. But my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right the fuck on!"
"I wear v-neck shirts, this is a v-neck I got on. My neck is so fragile man, I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down."
"I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out."
"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."
"Hey, I did a radio interview for XM Radio. Nobody heard it, c'mon, who has XM Radio? (a few cheers) Hey, I'll be damned, it's growing in popularity. They said, 'You can swear on XM Radio.' No shit, cuz nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods too."
"You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fucking bullshit, man, because that thing would knock you on your ass!"
"I saw a commercial that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" ... So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were."
"I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say, "What the fuck am I supposed to do now? The water's only up to here. What should I do? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet? I can't even drown my kneecaps!"
"And then at the end of the letter I like to write, "P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable."
"My friend said to me, "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No, man, it's not the weather that is trippy. Perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"
"If you were walking down the street with Eddie and a car pulled up to you and two guys got out with ski masks and guns and said, "Get in the car. We're going to kidnap you," Eddie would've said, "Shotgun!" I would've been in the back seat with the other kidnapper... "He called it." Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo, so I fucked up."
"I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the fuckin' sound of my addiction."
"I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We es"timate that you are angry!"
"Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says, right on the bottle, 'Do not have more than 2.' Well then do not put a candy coating around it, for I cannot help myself. Let me have 10 Advil. I got a sweet tooth."
"I think Visine is only used by potheads. Who else would use Visine? "I use Visine because I don't want people to know that I was swimming."
"I got to act with Peter Frampton, he was in the movie. And we had to smoke pot for a scene, but it was FAKE pot. Do not buy pot on a movie set. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton. That's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton...I've done that WAY more."
"When I went to England to tell this joke, I had to find out if they knew who Smokey the Bear was. But they didn't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought "Man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog..." You never say 'here comes that frog' in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. "Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he'll settle near me, and I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate his natural environment."
"I was in my hotel's shower, and I started washing my hair, then I looked at the bottle, and it turned out I was using body wash. It was like a scene from one of those action movies where they get real close to the object. I was like, "Body wash... BODY WASH?" And then I realized my hair was part of my body and I didn't even care."
"I mumble a lot offstage; I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me. He'll say, "What?" So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says, "What?" But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
"I would imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. You'd say "Shut up! I don't understand! 'Share'...'the'...'we'...'too' -- I don't get it!"
"When it comes to racism, some people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green." Ah, hold on now...purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... Then, help 'em!"
"Thirteen's an unlucky number. If thirteen's unlucky, then so should the letter B be. Cuz B looks like a scrunched together thirteen. "Hello. What's your name?" "BOB." "Get the fuck away!"
"People in a parade are cocky. They think they've attracted an audience, but really it's just people waiting to cross the street. I could attract a crowd too if I stood in everyone's way."
"See, I'm a dreamer, man. And when I was a cook I'd always work with people who weren't dreamers. Like, I was cooking at this restaurant and I put a hot dog on the grill and my kitchen manager came over, and he said, "Mitch, put the hot dog up here, in the right hand corner of the grill, so in case you get a whole bunch of orders at once you have all this space available." See, that's how I knew he wasn't a dreamer, 'cause the day I give up my dreams is the day I have strategic grill locations. A dreamer has a philosophy: the entire grill is hot."
"That would be cool if the Earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons."
"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."
"I like the American-Canadian border because if you're walkin' along the border with your friend and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, because first he has to go through customs. 'What brings you to Canada?' 'That asshole.' 'When are you leaving?' 'When I regain my equilibrium.'"
"I've got a fire alarm at home. But really it's like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. "Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle."
"I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table."