In a bad place
Leave me alone. It's been five months. I'm miserable, and I hate myself, but I don't want you back. No amount of self loathing or booze could catapult me back in your arms. I would quite literally rather die than be with you again, if that's what it came down to. You were bad for me, you didn't appreciate me, none of my friends liked you...my friends tolerated you because they thought you made me happy. When the opposite became apparent, there was no longer a reason to tuck away their disdain. You said you'd stop, but you haven't. Every time I think is the last is a week away from another 3 a.m. text declaring your love for me. All I can do at this point is ignore you, which was my original plan to start. Me telling you to stop didn't work either, so back to pretending you don't exist.
I need to pretend that I don't exist. At the very least, the part of me that cares too much, that wants things I can't have, that contains copious amounts of doubts and fears, that can't tell the other you how I feel without being completely terrified that whatever nonsense we have now that I am currently clinging to will disappear and leave me with absolutely nothing. I just want to know if I matter to you. I feel like I don't. I feel like you could go through the day without me crossing your mind once, and you'd be perfectly fine with that. I think about you a lot. I want you to be happy, and I want to be a source of happiness for you. I was foolish to fall for you. But I have, and I'm stubborn, and I won't let go until I am completely and utterly decimated by your lack of attention, caring and/or love. I feel as though it's only a breath away...
My track record is terrible. I say that right now all i care about is sex...which is partially true because now that he's out of my life, my libido has returned full force, and I want to fuck like I'm getting paid for it (and maybe I should consider that as a viable career path) but I also need to be needed. When you don't call or you don't text, it makes me feel like I don't matter to you. I don't even know what we are. Can I get mad about that? I suppose I can get mad about anything I want, but is it logical to do so? Probably not.
I can't have it both ways. It feels like no one will ever understand me or want me the way I need to be wanted. Love me because I'm smart. Because I can be hilarious. Because I give great head and love to ride your cock. Because I am beautiful in a well-she's-kinda-fat-but-at-least-she's-got-nice-tits sort of way. Love me because I will be there for you until you give me a reason not to be, and even then until I'm completely dejected and feel like there's no way it could ever get better (remember - I'm stubborn). Love me for the way my toes wiggle when I orgasm. For my uncontrollable laughter. For the small things. For my highs and lows. For who I am. And I promise I'll love you in return. Maybe not now...but I could, and I would.
I want to believe in love - the naïve romantic in me still believes it's possible - but I can't help but think it never will happen like that for me. I've set myself up for failure. I bet my father can't wait to tell me "I told you so."
Six months ago, I never would have thought I'd be here. Who knows where I'll be six months from now?
Nothing is certain, nothing is concrete. The only tangible things right now are my tears. The only constant is my hatred of self.
I need to pretend that I don't exist. At the very least, the part of me that cares too much, that wants things I can't have, that contains copious amounts of doubts and fears, that can't tell the other you how I feel without being completely terrified that whatever nonsense we have now that I am currently clinging to will disappear and leave me with absolutely nothing. I just want to know if I matter to you. I feel like I don't. I feel like you could go through the day without me crossing your mind once, and you'd be perfectly fine with that. I think about you a lot. I want you to be happy, and I want to be a source of happiness for you. I was foolish to fall for you. But I have, and I'm stubborn, and I won't let go until I am completely and utterly decimated by your lack of attention, caring and/or love. I feel as though it's only a breath away...
My track record is terrible. I say that right now all i care about is sex...which is partially true because now that he's out of my life, my libido has returned full force, and I want to fuck like I'm getting paid for it (and maybe I should consider that as a viable career path) but I also need to be needed. When you don't call or you don't text, it makes me feel like I don't matter to you. I don't even know what we are. Can I get mad about that? I suppose I can get mad about anything I want, but is it logical to do so? Probably not.
I can't have it both ways. It feels like no one will ever understand me or want me the way I need to be wanted. Love me because I'm smart. Because I can be hilarious. Because I give great head and love to ride your cock. Because I am beautiful in a well-she's-kinda-fat-but-at-least-she's-got-nice-tits sort of way. Love me because I will be there for you until you give me a reason not to be, and even then until I'm completely dejected and feel like there's no way it could ever get better (remember - I'm stubborn). Love me for the way my toes wiggle when I orgasm. For my uncontrollable laughter. For the small things. For my highs and lows. For who I am. And I promise I'll love you in return. Maybe not now...but I could, and I would.
I want to believe in love - the naïve romantic in me still believes it's possible - but I can't help but think it never will happen like that for me. I've set myself up for failure. I bet my father can't wait to tell me "I told you so."
Six months ago, I never would have thought I'd be here. Who knows where I'll be six months from now?
Nothing is certain, nothing is concrete. The only tangible things right now are my tears. The only constant is my hatred of self.