Endings and beginnings
It is 7 in the morning. I have been up since 3.
Kenny and I broke up last night.
I'm okay. I'm not okay.
It has been bubbling under the surface for awhile. I'm not happy. He's not happy. How did we get here? A combination of our own faults. An inability to let go but not make things better. A sudden clear understanding that we may be just a smidge too different to really work things out.
It should have been over a year ago. Neither of us wanted to let go. Even now, it's difficult. After 3 hours of telling each other how shitty we are, we spent one crying and holding each other and wondering and crying some more.
We thought we could change each other. At one point, we reveled in each other's differences. I was the peanut butter to his jelly; we complemented each other well. But lurking underneath that were things both of us needed that the other couldn't give. We ignored it. We thought it would get better.
My incredible ability to keep everything bottled in and his incredible ability to let everything out aren't well suited. We should have met halfway. I couldn't. He couldn't. We can't help who we are.
It hurts right now. It hurts terribly. I feel like I'm abandoning him. I, at least, have options. My friend Cassadi is looking for a new place in the next couple of months, and she has suggested being roommates. I believe this is an excellent solution for me and for her...we can be independent-type women without breaking the bank. But Kenny doesn't really have anyone here that he thinks he could move in with. He can't afford the apartment with his current job. He feels like he doesn't have any true friends here, but he doesn't think he could move back to Louisville because no one there would want him either.
I hope he can get it together and do something. Despite the bitterness and anger I've felt lately about him and a lot of things, I still think he is a good person. I hope that our mutual friends will treat us equally. More than anything it has come down to a lack of compatibility. More than anything for me, it has come down to a need to find myself and find independence. I have spent my entire adult life depending on a relationship to make me happy and to make me who I am. I can't do that anymore. It's not healthy.
I cannot let history repeat itself a third time. I have to find what it is about me that makes me tick, makes me happy. Right now, I don't know. Right now, I feel empty. Right now, I feel as though I will never know, that I will always be destined for misery, just as my father predicted I would be if I stayed on my current path. Somewhere deep down, however, I feel that this is the right move, that there is some sort of glimmering hope that I can do this and I make it and I can be better for it.
If you comment, please don't tell me you're sorry. I don't need that right now. I'm sure I'll get plenty I'm sorries and it will be okays. I just need support. Advice. An invite to hang out. The knowledge that wherever you are, you'll be looking out for me. I need true friends, for that may be the only way I'll make it through this alive.
Kenny and I broke up last night.
I'm okay. I'm not okay.
It has been bubbling under the surface for awhile. I'm not happy. He's not happy. How did we get here? A combination of our own faults. An inability to let go but not make things better. A sudden clear understanding that we may be just a smidge too different to really work things out.
It should have been over a year ago. Neither of us wanted to let go. Even now, it's difficult. After 3 hours of telling each other how shitty we are, we spent one crying and holding each other and wondering and crying some more.
We thought we could change each other. At one point, we reveled in each other's differences. I was the peanut butter to his jelly; we complemented each other well. But lurking underneath that were things both of us needed that the other couldn't give. We ignored it. We thought it would get better.
My incredible ability to keep everything bottled in and his incredible ability to let everything out aren't well suited. We should have met halfway. I couldn't. He couldn't. We can't help who we are.
It hurts right now. It hurts terribly. I feel like I'm abandoning him. I, at least, have options. My friend Cassadi is looking for a new place in the next couple of months, and she has suggested being roommates. I believe this is an excellent solution for me and for her...we can be independent-type women without breaking the bank. But Kenny doesn't really have anyone here that he thinks he could move in with. He can't afford the apartment with his current job. He feels like he doesn't have any true friends here, but he doesn't think he could move back to Louisville because no one there would want him either.
I hope he can get it together and do something. Despite the bitterness and anger I've felt lately about him and a lot of things, I still think he is a good person. I hope that our mutual friends will treat us equally. More than anything it has come down to a lack of compatibility. More than anything for me, it has come down to a need to find myself and find independence. I have spent my entire adult life depending on a relationship to make me happy and to make me who I am. I can't do that anymore. It's not healthy.
I cannot let history repeat itself a third time. I have to find what it is about me that makes me tick, makes me happy. Right now, I don't know. Right now, I feel empty. Right now, I feel as though I will never know, that I will always be destined for misery, just as my father predicted I would be if I stayed on my current path. Somewhere deep down, however, I feel that this is the right move, that there is some sort of glimmering hope that I can do this and I make it and I can be better for it.
If you comment, please don't tell me you're sorry. I don't need that right now. I'm sure I'll get plenty I'm sorries and it will be okays. I just need support. Advice. An invite to hang out. The knowledge that wherever you are, you'll be looking out for me. I need true friends, for that may be the only way I'll make it through this alive.