Reminescent
I find myself overextended as usual, because I always take on more projects than I can realisticly handle. I finished Mabon Ritual for Friday night. I hope I expressed in writing what I found interesting and beneficial in The Three Sisters of the First Nations. I so love this time a year, but am not quite ready for the snow that should be at my house this weekend. I so want to have Mabon outside, I hope it doesn't snow on Saturday.
I find myself wanting to rekindle where Rusty and I left off and get discouraged that he doesn't respond the way I want him to, yet have to remember that this is usual process. I could so fall for him, but he is even more afraid than I am of getting into a relationship.
X is playing games with others again. His first young girlfriend was supposed to be moving in this upcoming weekend, but they got into it last week after she found out he has been talking to his high school sweetheart who is planning on coming out here to see him and meet the girls. My girls still think Youngthing is moving in and I am not telling them other wise, their dad needs to explain his doings not me. So HS girlfriend from Cali is scheduled into Colo on October 6th to spend the weekend and meet the girls, then supposedly she is bringing her kids out "to visit" in November. Which means X has probably trying to talk her into moving out her to play Mrs. X so he doesn't have to be alone. I know Stella says X is still in love with me, but though I feel there is a partial truth to that, it is more that I am comfortable. And I am here. There is truthfully a part of me that will always love him, but I am not IN LOVE with him. I truly don't want to be in a relationship if I am not in love with someone. I don't feel I need to settle to find comfort or fight loneliness.. I would rather be alone the rest of my life or at least until the girls are out on their own, than to bring someone in, only to break their hearts again. Yet I could so go there with Rusty. I could comfortably grow old with him, each of us doing our own thing, being together.
I don't want to feel these feelings, but guess that is part of growth, because now I know I can feel like that again.
My mind has been wondering to my own "first love" that I let go to be with X. Damn I miss him. He was my best friend and I loved him deeply and I still do. Maybe it is the time of year, I have been lost in memories of the past. Of canning with my Grandmother, of baking oatmeal cookies, fishing with my grandpa, or sitting out on their front porch, counting cars that went up the road, eating grapes we just picked off the vine. I love this time of year, and yet is the only time of year I miss those who have passed or who have moved on.
But I guess working with Goddess within the Wheel of the Year, this is the right time to feel this way and get introspective. It is time of harth and family, and those things, other than the Pixies, are things I don't really have. (YET) So I am happy and sad at the same time, knowing that as feelings and emotions reimerge, and grow, that the healing process I started almost two years ago when X and I split, is truly working. For I am no longer afraid to feel, love and hurt, for I know these are necessary emotions.
I find myself wanting to rekindle where Rusty and I left off and get discouraged that he doesn't respond the way I want him to, yet have to remember that this is usual process. I could so fall for him, but he is even more afraid than I am of getting into a relationship.
X is playing games with others again. His first young girlfriend was supposed to be moving in this upcoming weekend, but they got into it last week after she found out he has been talking to his high school sweetheart who is planning on coming out here to see him and meet the girls. My girls still think Youngthing is moving in and I am not telling them other wise, their dad needs to explain his doings not me. So HS girlfriend from Cali is scheduled into Colo on October 6th to spend the weekend and meet the girls, then supposedly she is bringing her kids out "to visit" in November. Which means X has probably trying to talk her into moving out her to play Mrs. X so he doesn't have to be alone. I know Stella says X is still in love with me, but though I feel there is a partial truth to that, it is more that I am comfortable. And I am here. There is truthfully a part of me that will always love him, but I am not IN LOVE with him. I truly don't want to be in a relationship if I am not in love with someone. I don't feel I need to settle to find comfort or fight loneliness.. I would rather be alone the rest of my life or at least until the girls are out on their own, than to bring someone in, only to break their hearts again. Yet I could so go there with Rusty. I could comfortably grow old with him, each of us doing our own thing, being together.
I don't want to feel these feelings, but guess that is part of growth, because now I know I can feel like that again.
My mind has been wondering to my own "first love" that I let go to be with X. Damn I miss him. He was my best friend and I loved him deeply and I still do. Maybe it is the time of year, I have been lost in memories of the past. Of canning with my Grandmother, of baking oatmeal cookies, fishing with my grandpa, or sitting out on their front porch, counting cars that went up the road, eating grapes we just picked off the vine. I love this time of year, and yet is the only time of year I miss those who have passed or who have moved on.
But I guess working with Goddess within the Wheel of the Year, this is the right time to feel this way and get introspective. It is time of harth and family, and those things, other than the Pixies, are things I don't really have. (YET) So I am happy and sad at the same time, knowing that as feelings and emotions reimerge, and grow, that the healing process I started almost two years ago when X and I split, is truly working. For I am no longer afraid to feel, love and hurt, for I know these are necessary emotions.