(no subject)
I'm not sure what I am looking for anymore. But I feel like I'm not going to find it. I feel like these books are ruining my perspective. I feel as though I will never be fully pleased again, because there are options and each option gives something different, somethings good and somethings bad, and that as hard as I look, all of the good things cannot be found in one place, and this is rather frustrating. I feel like I need a best friend up at App, I love Hadley with all my heart and she will always be my sister and my best friend, but she is at State, and she also cannot protect me the same way that I feel a guy can.
I miss having him as a best friend, always there for me, willing to hug me, or help me back to my feet, whatever I needed, he was that thing. The one I've found to "replace" him is just not the same, he also is not there, at App, when I need him. He has a friend he cares for much more than me, and that bothers me slightly, but I understand completely. I am so jealous of their friendship, I just wish I could have my Lew back. I wish I could have my best friend back, because no matter how mad we are, I feel more comfortable telling him things than I do telling other people.
Austin is by far the best thing that has happened to me since I began life up at App, he is more supportive than most people I know. He cares so much, and actually enjoys, or so it seems, letting me tell him my troubles. He is so understanding and I am so grateful that he is in my life. Not to mention he is so freaking warm. It's amazing. I wish he could take over the role of best friend along with his other roles in my life. But I feel conflicted inside, like I need to have my best friend and "boyfriend", for lack of a better word, separate nowadays, last time, well, the only time, that I let them mingle, I was far more hurt and had an extremely hard time remaining only best friends. So now I need them to be separate.
Lew and I are talking again, but I have serious doubts about it ever getting back to the way it was, at least, sincerely back to the way it was. Even so I'll not be able to tell, because apparently I can't read him and I am too quick to trust him.
I miss having him as a best friend, always there for me, willing to hug me, or help me back to my feet, whatever I needed, he was that thing. The one I've found to "replace" him is just not the same, he also is not there, at App, when I need him. He has a friend he cares for much more than me, and that bothers me slightly, but I understand completely. I am so jealous of their friendship, I just wish I could have my Lew back. I wish I could have my best friend back, because no matter how mad we are, I feel more comfortable telling him things than I do telling other people.
Austin is by far the best thing that has happened to me since I began life up at App, he is more supportive than most people I know. He cares so much, and actually enjoys, or so it seems, letting me tell him my troubles. He is so understanding and I am so grateful that he is in my life. Not to mention he is so freaking warm. It's amazing. I wish he could take over the role of best friend along with his other roles in my life. But I feel conflicted inside, like I need to have my best friend and "boyfriend", for lack of a better word, separate nowadays, last time, well, the only time, that I let them mingle, I was far more hurt and had an extremely hard time remaining only best friends. So now I need them to be separate.
Lew and I are talking again, but I have serious doubts about it ever getting back to the way it was, at least, sincerely back to the way it was. Even so I'll not be able to tell, because apparently I can't read him and I am too quick to trust him.