I hate myself, that's all there is to it.

[iamsidhartha]

You're dad had a heart attack today. He's going to be ok, but you are really shaken. I can't even behave at a time like this. I'm a wreck, and why? Because you are with her, you won't seek comfort from me now, and I'm jealous, and I hate it. Friends is not enough, it just isn't, and theres nothing I can do about it. You'll always be there for me, always be my friend, that's what you say. But how am I supposed to live with that when all I can think about is the fact that you love someone else. What happens when you go off, find "the one", get married, move away. Huh? How are you going to be there for me then? You aren't, even though you say you will and there is nothing I can do. I could be perfect and it wouldn't matter at all. How am I supposed to deal with that, you tell me I have to deal with that, but I can't. I just can't. Why is it that the one thing I need is going to kill you, and the one thing you need is going to kill me? WHY?

I've stuck by you, but its not enough, because I'm mean, and angry, and clingy, and I ruin everything. I'm the worst person I know of, but you stay there for me, and it gives me hope, too much hope, hope that always ends me up in more pain than I started.

I don't know what to do.