St. Patrick's Day Special!!! THREE MONTH ANNIVERSARY OF THE END!
Conveniently, there was an in-house physician at Lilly Elaine’s Manor. He was a young doctor from Japan by the name of Eric Stiles. He checked on both of them. None had received serious injury from the fall. Small shards of glass had to be carefully removed from all over both their bodies, but the main problem was not external. Both severely needed their stomach’s pumped. They had drank a colossal quantity of alcohol during the last 17 days and would have died of alcohol poisoning within hours had they not been treated.
“To be quite honest,” Dr. Stiles confided in me later, “They both should have died days ago. Their blood was 30% alcohol. It’s humanly impossible to live. Something else was keeping them alive. I must now return t Japan to relate this improbable occurance.”
He bowed, gathered his physician’ case, and left An hour before midnight, Sean came to. Lilly remained unconscious till some time after 3 am. The first thing Sean said when he awoke was,
“I was always just a colossal tool for Mom.”
“No you weren’t, Sean,” I argued with him, “Always? Not when I knew you. You were just you.”
“You’re you own Father, for Christ’s sake,” Martha joined in. To this, Denty and Darby nodded.
“Yeah,” Sean replied, “But Fathers don’t give birth.” He passed out.
Denty, Darby, Martha, and I had a million things to say to that. First off, the Father plants the seed, in this case the father inspired the seed to exist. Then of course the Father plays a major role in raising the child (even if Valerie Solanas would disagree). Sean just forgot to be a good Dad for a while. Forgot to be his own Dad. When Lilly came to, she just kept insisting that their be an official wedding. Any inquiry as to what happened over the last two weeks would be met with another mention of the upcoming wedding. Then of course, around 4 am, she passed out. We decided to let them sleep, and being still former members of major league of mischief, moved them so they were spooning eah other. With the tuxedo and wedding dress they looked fucking adorable.
Denty and I were still curious about what had occurred during the missing days before Sean’s birthday, so we decided to play a grand-scale game of Clue, running about the mansion all night while Jarhead and Martha got some well-needed sleep. We probably needed sleep as much as them, but there was just too much to find out. So we started in the Observatory. There were empty bottles of alcohol and star charts all over the floor. Red crayon marks were all over the charts, connecting dots and connecting constellation to constellation. One of the sets of connections formed what could very well have been a apple. When Denty looked at it, he noticed there were two different shades of red lines.
“Yeah, yeah,” he realized excitedly, “These are Sean’s planetary signs. Gemini rising. Saturn connected with our sun. Our moon connected to Pisces.”
“So what are these, then,” I asked, indicating the lighter red lines.
“They must be Lilly Elaine’s signs. My God, the two form their own fucking constellation. Of course they went mad with love!”
I wasn’t much of one for astrology, but I had to admit this was pretty impressive. I’ll be damned if that wasn’t an apple. If that crooked line of stars called Pisces is supposed to be a couple fish, then that perfect planetary outline of an apple is a GOD DAMNED APPLE. Just then a silly thought popped into my head.
“Hey, remember those three stupid lines of French Sean used to say all the time?”
“Sort of,” Denty replied, “Something about a French horn?”
“An inflatable horn. Le klaxon gonflable est petit et stupide: The inflatable horn is small and stupid.”
“Okay…?” Denty, who rarely looked baffled, certainly did now.
“Le poisson rouge est, aussi. Je suis est Diane Keaton.”
“Diane Keaton?”
“Yeah. ‘The goldfish is also. My name is Dianne Keaton.’ It was just nonsense, but it was all he could remember from French class. I guess what I’m trying to say is, what sign is Diane Keaton.”
“Capricorn.”
“Figures.”
The next room we visited was the Library, which looked as though it had been shaken like a snow globe. Not a single book was on the shelves, which was impressive since there were 10 levels to the massive oak bookcases, which required the sliding ladder that was clearly in three pieces. In fact the ladder sort of looked like it had been chewed by a giant. I had a daydream of the two of them, naked and beast-like, attacking the ladder as though it were a zebra or some other wild prey, then climbing the bookshelves like monkeys. Other than the book selection being devoid of fiction and there being even more empty bottles of liquor, there weren’t many clues in here, so we ventured down the hallway to the left. As we walked through the clutter of photographs, books, and bottles, I became aware of a trail leading to the last door in the hallway. The lock on the door had a fork stuck in it and all around the handle the wood was splintered and broken as if kicked in. Inside was a clutter of portraits and more photographs, newspaper clippings, letters, and notes. It hit both of us very slowly. I noticed first the pictures of a young Lilly Elaine. Denty picked up a review of a ballet called The Age of Anxiety, where Lilly Elaine Warhol had excelled at a role originally made famous by George Balanchine’s fifth wife, Tanaquil LeClercq. The review was good, praising Lilly Elaine copiously. Looking back, it’s almost as if, with all the overwhelming evidence before us, not wanting to face what would be proven, our minds desperately sought distraction. Then it began to make it’s way through. Half of the pictures of Lilly Elaine were of someone much older than she appeared now. I saw these as only portraits, paintings because logic wouldn’t allow for photographs of someone older. Then those made it in and the camel’s back broke.
“Holy mother of…” Denty mumbled with a look of horror on his face.
“No it can’t, it can’t be right,” I prayed. But it was right. Plain as ink. I imagined Lamia Bruja’s face laughing at me as I pieced it together.
Half of the pictures were of the late L’Ellegony. Lilly Elaine was L’Ellegony, the Brandy Warhol’s arch-nemesis, patron of a Fascist Rational Future, devoid of discord, the woman Brandy sent her son out to destroy. The person she had molded Sean’s life to be in ABSOLUTE OPPOSITION TO. Sean Magee had made 17 days of rapturous love to his worst enemy. How she was living again… how she was young again… how she had no memory of her former self… At the time we had no idea.
This was only the half of it, though. Just as we had stood for quite some time in a room full of pictures of L’Ellegony, finding distractions in news clippings and letters, so too had the next revelation stared us in the face for several minutes before we would let it hit us: Lilly Elaine Warhol. WARHOL. Immediately another clipping, from the New York Times, confirmed it:
“The talent of the ensemble is respectable but not profound. However this is wholly compensated for by the incomparable skill of the lead dancer, the formerly obscure Lilly Elaine Warhol (the writer-director Brandy Warhol’s sister), who steals the show with the natural elegance of a prima ballerina assoluta.”
Our jaws hung there for a while, when suddenly Denty’s eyes widened rapidly and ran out of the room. I followed him to the Observatory where he stood in awe of the huge telescope for a moment. Turning to me he held up one finger as if to say, ‘Just one second.’ Then he put his eye to the eye-piece. A huge grin spread across his face and he allowed himself to fall backward, in mockery of fainting.
“Of course!” he laughed, “Take a look.”
I walked up and looked in the eye-piece. I saw a small reddish sphere. Shrugging, I turned back to Denty, confused. He explained with one word.
“Eris.”
Sliding on his knees across the wood floor, he scooped up the star chart. Smiling and shaking his head, he pointed to a spot on the map for me to see. Sure enough, at the tip of his finger, in the center of the red outline of an apple was the Eris, the recently discovered planet. The next thing that happened was so synchronistic, I have decided to classify it as “stupid.” Just like that photograph of the Argentinean aristocrat woman’s birthday party, the one that both Sean and Darby were obsessed with simultaneously (which now Darby is painting for Lilly Elaine Warhol), it was just to perfect to be real. A genuinely stupid coincidence. Because right after discovering the dual star charts of Lilly Elaine Warhol and Sean Michael Magee, Dr. Derek Stiles entered the room.
“Miss Lilly is pregnant.”
A wedding was planned. It would be an impromptu affair performed in the library. Since Sean was a Reverend he simply ordained Martha Curran as a Priestess (one last bit of Irrational nonsense, I guess) and let her do the honors. I was the best man, of course, and Denty and Darby were the Bridesmaids. It had all the beginnings of a low-key, simple, down-to-earth show of two people’s genuine love for each other, something unheard of in the days of the Irrational Revolution.
“We are gathered here today to celebrate the mystery and magic of the Force as it manifests through the love of these two beautiful people,” Martha sermonized. “There is no one I have ever met who I would allow to be united with my brother in Holy Matrimony. I’m very protective of him, as I’m sure the Best Man and Bridesmaids can relate. For years, those who loved him had no enduring access to him. For years he was lead away from love with the promise of something greater. And as the Force always does, he found exactly that… something much greater… and it turned out to be simple love.”
I got watery-eyed at that point. Martha had put it wonderfully.
“Sean Magee, do you take Lilly Elaine Warhol to be your beloved wife? To be one with the Force through her and with her, until death parts you both, and perhaps even beyond?”
“YES.”
“Lilly Elaine Warhol, do you take Sean Magee to be your beloved husband? To witness the unity of destiny as foretold in the stars, to raise a child as a testament of the endurance of love above all other things, rational and irrational, until death projects you both into the heavens to become governing constellations yourself?”
Whoa, I thought, that’s a bit heavy.
“Yes, I say Yes, I do YES.”
Oh boy, this is Sean’s girl all right.
“If there is anyone here who objects to this union, and Eris curse them if there is, may they speak now or forever hold their peace.”
The sound was deafening.
The world was exploding. All around ever color of the rainbow had suddenly covered ever corner of the room. Red dots, yellow dots, a dot of every color. Bridey Clones, guns blazing burst through the huge glass window facing the terrace. There were hundreds of them. Most of us ducked, but Chach Von Chach was picking them off one-by-one. He would take out two or three, letting out a full six from his .44, then reload at lightning speed. At one point he switched to his pump shotgun and blew open the heads of and blew open the chests of an entire unit of Blue Brideys. In all of this everyone lost sight of what was really happening. When I looked back at the altar, Lilly Elaine was holding Sean while Martha crouched over the two, clearly yelling something. I ran up there to help. The Bridey Clones were so precise they hadn’t hit anyone but Sean. He looked ghastly. There had to be a least a hundred holes in him by now. The noise died down and, improbable as it may seem, Craig had killed all but a couple of Grey Brideys, who he was now having an intense shootout with.
Sean was bleeding from the mouth and one of his eyes. He was trying to speak. I kept telling him not to try, that we would get Dr. Stiles in here to fix him. That was impossible, I was just trying to comfort him; Dr. Stiles had left for Japan that morning. Words began to come out of Sean then, a stream of them. Knowing that he would have wanted this more than anything, I pulled out my notepad and pen (Sean and I always carry both), and became his deathbed-stenographer. Here, without edit, is the full transcript of Sean Magee’s final word:
“I’ve wept, I swear it, I’ve dashed a thousand kin… Jarhead, I need a fix, I’m goin’ down… where’s that little doll- she ever show her tin head- I still love that doll… one two three…now I know, I’m one of three, send me to my other two… if memory serves me, but it don’t… X is running the show and he’s lonely… by the locker, love eye, barging in my private time… sardine hearts for the truth, there’s nothing but the truth… Z’s and L’z, Z and L, down to the deep, rust those metal bones…letters in the lake can’t take…What happened to the seventeen? Oh, oh, she done it, please. The shooting is a bit safe, and that kind of shooting took a man's life. No payrolls. Keep ‘em coming crayola. One day gonna be a Paleoarchonaut, can’t be a heart nobody can be a heart. You are a soft-boiled man. Did you see me? Did they see my red hands? I am sore and I am going down and I am going to give you honey on X if I can. He came first, like that chicken, no that egg, I forget. I don’t remember anything, the big hole. Got his hand in time, no memory like me, like Lillypie. Baby’s gonna shoot Satan, baby’s gonna shoot God. You got that, get that- it’s the honey! Mother was the worst bet, please let Satan draw me quick…”
He went silent for a while, but his heart was still beating. I didn’t notice but Zelda A. English was next now at his side as well, wiping blood from his nose, eye, and mouth. She must have arrived for the wedding, just after the shooting. She looked so calm as if she had been ready for this moment all her life. Everyone else was a wreck. Not to mention the bloody Bridey Clone bodies everywhere. I felt very sick and sad, but when Sean began to speak again, I diligently scribed every word:
“Kindly take me shoes off”
“They are off honey,” Zelda told him, holding one of his hands. Lilly Elaine had the other.
“No. There is a handcuff on them. The General says these things. I know what I am doing here with my collection of papers. It isn't worth a nickel to them or me but to a collector it is worth a fortune. It is priceless. I am going to turn it over to... Turn you back to me, please Jarhead. I am so sick now. Look out for Jacob, for he is an old pal of mine. Come on, come on, Jared. Ok, ok, I am all through. Can't say another thing. Look out mamma, look out for her. She’s in this room. You can't beat her. Paul, mamma, Joan, mother, please take me out. I will settle for a poem. Come on, open the liver switches. The chimney sweeps. Talk to the mastersword. Shut up, you got a big mouth! I won’t, you can whip down there later, but I won’t shut up. They gotta have the honey. Please help me up, Lilly. Craig, come over here. New England clam chowder. I want to play. Let them leave me together.”
Lilly Elaine pulled him up into her arms. Blood gushed everywhere. I have never seen so much blood. Zelda was wearing a white dress which was now soaked in it. She didn’t seem phased. Then Sean’s eyes widened and he let out this final song:
“A rose is surely a delicate thing,
but hold not tightly to it's thorns in the wind
For L is 2
and Elle is three
Fear Not the Return of L'Ellegony!
The Psion sleeps in gentle weepings
For his soul is damp and dripping
With the torment of her Emerald eyes...
For Belladonna Blackburn is below,
And Bella Black takes nothing back
For will is as she Wills it.
String pictures recall an Epic Tale
In which an epoch of liberal meter
And appaling rhythm
Is interrupted rather abruptly
By the musings of a merciless muse!
Diabolical Dark Demonic
Hypnotic Osmosis
In Belladonna they rmain
Please, child, B'ware stay sane!
For her nihil-d'atattu
Beseech thee in flames
The matriarchal resurgence
In the layers of her chrysallis
It manifests in intellect
As crystallization takes effect
With Water's pacifying influence
On the flames of the Elder Ones
from w'thin'er!
B'ware!
"In ooze she bedded,
With me at her side
Deeper than the resonance of this Globe
And mudded by the presence of Pan!"
-The Dirty Bard did Screech!
I'm dun fer
I'm dun fer
B'gunn
B'gunn
Or b'wareder
direconsercrence!!!!”
Lilly Elaine laid him down again, his eyes were closed and he was gasping for air like a drowning person. Then his eyes opened wide and began to frantically search for something. They finally rested on me and he spoke one last time:
“Mother Superior jumped the gun, Jared. Thanks for the book, Jared. I wish I had time to write one.”
His eyes rolled back, he let out a last breath, and fell limp on Lilly’s lap.
Sean Magee was dead. Everyone was standing around the body in a circle, someone pushed through the crowd. It was Lt. Billiam Esq. III, Sean’s former right-hand man.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” He fell to his knees with his hands to his face, weeping loudly. A moment later he stood, his eyes red and wet, put up his hand and shouted, “He will have a Irish Wake. It will not be mournful, it will be joyful! That is how he wanted it!”
***
The next few days were a blur. Eventually the wake came and, sadly, Sean had a closed casket. I hadn’t really cried yet, and it reminded me of a funeral in the distant past. Many people showed up: Jazputin, The Grache and Andy B., Kevie D., Humpty Dumpty, even General Dissaray was there to pay respects. It was solomn at first, no one could avoid that, but when Lt. Billiam and I read segments of James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake, followed by Dr. Gross, Darby, Denty, and Chach von Chach kicking off the song Finnegan’s Wake, everything changed. We all got royally drunk and sang the song 17 times. For Sean’s sake I will reprint the lyrics to this traditional Irish folksong here:
Tim Finnegan lived in Walkin Street, a gentle Irishman mighty odd
He had a brogue both rich and sweet, an' to rise in the world he carried a hod
You see he'd a sort of a tipplers way but the love for the liquor poor Tim was born
To help him on his way each day, he'd a drop of the craythur every morn
Whack fol the dah now dance to yer partner around the flure yer trotters shake
Wasn't it the truth I told you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake
One morning Tim got rather full, his head felt heavy which made him shake
Fell from a ladder and he broke his skull, and they carried him home his corpse to wake
Rolled him up in a nice clean sheet, and laid him out upon the bed
A bottle of whiskey at his feet and a barrel of porter at his head
Whack fol the dah now dance to yer partner around the flure yer trotters shake
Wasn't it the truth I told you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake
His friends assembled at the wake, and Mrs Finnegan called for lunch
First she brought in tay and cake, then pipes, tobacco and whiskey punch
Biddy O'Brien began to cry, "Such a nice clean corpse, did you ever see,
Tim avourneen, why did you die?", "Will ye hould your gob?" said Paddy McGee
Whack fol the dah now dance to yer partner around the flure yer trotters shake
Wasn't it the truth I told you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake
Then Maggie O'Connor took up the job, "Biddy" says she "you're wrong, I'm sure"
Biddy gave her a belt in the gob and left her sprawling on the floor
Then the war did soon engage, t'was woman to woman and man to man
Shillelagh law was all the rage and a row and a ruction soon began
Whack fol the dah now dance to yer partner around the flure yer trotters shake
Wasn't it the truth I told you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake
Mickey Maloney ducked his head when a bucket of whiskey flew at him
It missed, and falling on the bed, the liquor scattered over Tim
Bedad he revives, see how he rises, Timothy rising from the bed
Saying "Whittle your whiskey around like blazes, t'underin' Jaysus, do ye think I'm dead?"
On the last time singing the song, at this last verse, Zelda and Darby popped open the casket, pulled out the mummified (yes, like an Egyptian, we figured Sean would’ve liked that too) body and high-tailed it out of there, into Zelda’s pickeup truck, and off into the sunset. I don’t think they really needed to go so quickly, but like Sean, Darby and Zelda had a touch of the melodrama in them. The night is a drunken cloud after that. The next day, mostly everyone got breakfast together at a nearby diner. I had a huge Monte Cristo, since I’m eating meat again, which cured my hangover (what is it about super-greay food that cures hangovers?). Everyone disbanded except me, Lilly Elaine, and Denty Creep who decided to go back to the scene of the crime. Jazputin came running up behind us as we left the diner.
“I’m coming with you guys,” he panted as he caught up, “I can’t stand it in there. There was this terrible conversation about some stupid noise band, that honestly isn’t very good, and then it turned into one of those awkward conversations about what commercials and cartoons they could remember from their childhood.”
I’m glad I wasn’t there,” Lilly added as we got into the white hearse (Lamia had disappeared the day before the wedding), “I don’t remember my childhood.”
At the Manor we found Chach von Chach examining some bullets he had pulled out during his impromptu autopsy.
“This is a 22 caliber and from the looks of it,” he said, holding up a small, narrow bullet, “it was the first fired. Right in the heart, none of these other shots were needed. This would’ve certainly done the job. I’ve traced it to this gun which was left here. And I’ve made copies of the fingerprints.”
“Whose are they?” Lilly asked sharply.
“Well, I hacked into the FBI’s thumbprint ID service, the one the Patriot Club had passed so all citizens are profiled from birth…”
“AND?!!”
“Clark Regence. Works for the IRS. In collections.”
“What?” Denty looked surprised, “It wasn’t a Bridey Clone or some Irrational Revolution member… maybe undercover?”
“Nope. In fact I looked into this guy, Clark, and checked his case files. He was in charge of collections for Sean’s file. Turns out all those times Sean went ‘undercover’ by surfacing in the ‘real world’, every normal job he took, the rare times he used real American currency, well… he never paid a penny in tax.”
Figures, I thought, after a life so extraordinary, in the end he’s killed by the mundane. Wow. After that we all pretty much went back to our respective lives, but I kept in touch with Denty, Martha, Darby, and Lilly Elaine. We all came to her baby when it was born.
“I’m naming her Zöe, after that wonderful selkie princess, Zelda.”
“But Zelda’s name is Zelda,” Darby commented.
“Yeah, but I like Zöe better.”
Lilly Elaine sold her mansion after that and bought a house in New Bedford, MA where she could be close to the people she would introduce to her daughter as Grammy and Grampy, Joan and Paul Avellar. They lived in Freeville just down the road from Denty Creep, who she would introduce Zöe to as “Uncle Denty”. Martha was named Godmother and I was named Godfather and Chach von Chach made a pact with Lt. Billiam Esq. III to kill anyone who’d seek to harm her. As for Brandy Warhol, she completely disappeared. Obviously, she found an excellent hiding spot.
I traveled. I wrote. I checked in my Goddaughter from time to time. She was a temperamental monster of a toddler, but Martha swore she could do no harm. I, on the other hand, was pretty convinced she could… and would. Oh well.
I still can’t forget Sean’s last words to me, the reason I continued writing, in fact,
“Thanks for the book, Jared. I wish I had time to write one.”
I’ve got time.
THE END
CREDITS
(As credits roll: photographs and video of Zöe as a baby, then
a toddler, then as a little girl. Photos of her playing in a playground,
a backyard. Some photos and videos show her throwing temper-tantrums.
MUSIC: Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun! )
A.V. Vienna - Himself
Anais Nin - Herself
Ayn Rand - Herself
Belle Blackburn - Heather Hall and Hannah
Andy B/Bolton Blessing - Andrew Bolton
Kid Bolton - Chris Bolton
Bridey Clones - Bridey Curran
Brackie Juno - Jackie Bruno
Capt. BiPorches - Jimmy Cookman
Carl Prather - Himself
Castratina - Catalina
Chach von Chach - Craig Marshall
Coral Pigeontelevision - Corey Pignatelli
Crispin Hellion Glover - stock footage
Darvel Chillfro - Darrell Monti
Nate the Great - Nate James
Euromotion - Themselves
Timeship Earth - Themselves
Dawn Wonn Sonobrio - Ben Sonobria
Dr. Pepper - Joel Thomas Pepper
Dutch Schultz - Himself
ENR - Elise Nicole Richard
Denty Creep - Eric Brown
Darby Denton - Dan Dubois
Dr. Gross - Dan Gross
General Disarray - Ryan Lehman
General Terror - Sean Magee
The Greedy Angel - Matt Reinke
Gypsy Moths - Dan Dubois & Leslie Wakefield
Humpty Dumpty - Eggy
(Picture and video of Zöe smoking cigarettes in middle school,
beating on other girls, then on boys, making out with a boy in 8th Grade.
then Zöe drinking heavily and smoking pot, generally reckless behavior;
yelling and throwing a lamp at her mother)
Eggy - Paul S_____
Emolina the Almighty - Emolina
Kate the Great - Caitlin Love
The Invigilator - Voice of Dr. X
Jake Smith - Sean Magee
James Joyce - Himself
Jazputin - Jazpur Leigh
Kevie D- Kevin D.
Jared Manhead - Jarhead F. F. W. Manley
Jarhead F.F.W. Manley - Jared Manley
Jennifer Juniper - Jen Cowing
Jesse Spit - Jesse Cowan
Lilly Elaine Warhol - Lindsey Liberatore
L’Ellegony - Lindsey Liberatore
Lamia Bruja - Sonja
(MUSIC CHANGE: Velvet Underground - I Found A Reason
More footage of Zöe: studying hard in highschool, then graduating,
Shots of Harvard, photo of her, as editor, with staff of Harvard Crimson.
Her mother cheering and crying and hugging her at her college graduation.
End of pictures and videos of Zöe)
Lillybot - Lindsey Collins
Lt. Batch Technical - Brian Sours
Lt. Billiam Esq. III - Bill Ellis
Luigi - Luigi
Mario - Mario
Material Girl - some bitch in New York City
Martha Curran - God
Miasmo Tootsie - Katie Sweet
Nahart Yllom - Molly Trahan
Aleksander Pushkin - Himself
Ren - Elise Nicole Richard
Rod Vega - Sean Magee
Saul Goodman - Sean Magee
Sensible Craig - Craig Mederos
Smell - Melanie
T.I.S. - Tis
Vicious Miss - Marissa Hunniwell
Mariel Lima - is not in this film. Too bad.
Soccer Tennis Wilson - Rachel
The Grache - Grace and Rachel Jones
Yessy Lindon - Lindsey Collins
Rev. Dr. President, Etc. K.S.CS.L.M - Sean Magee
Sean Magee - Himself
Zelda A. English - Herself
“To be quite honest,” Dr. Stiles confided in me later, “They both should have died days ago. Their blood was 30% alcohol. It’s humanly impossible to live. Something else was keeping them alive. I must now return t Japan to relate this improbable occurance.”
He bowed, gathered his physician’ case, and left An hour before midnight, Sean came to. Lilly remained unconscious till some time after 3 am. The first thing Sean said when he awoke was,
“I was always just a colossal tool for Mom.”
“No you weren’t, Sean,” I argued with him, “Always? Not when I knew you. You were just you.”
“You’re you own Father, for Christ’s sake,” Martha joined in. To this, Denty and Darby nodded.
“Yeah,” Sean replied, “But Fathers don’t give birth.” He passed out.
Denty, Darby, Martha, and I had a million things to say to that. First off, the Father plants the seed, in this case the father inspired the seed to exist. Then of course the Father plays a major role in raising the child (even if Valerie Solanas would disagree). Sean just forgot to be a good Dad for a while. Forgot to be his own Dad. When Lilly came to, she just kept insisting that their be an official wedding. Any inquiry as to what happened over the last two weeks would be met with another mention of the upcoming wedding. Then of course, around 4 am, she passed out. We decided to let them sleep, and being still former members of major league of mischief, moved them so they were spooning eah other. With the tuxedo and wedding dress they looked fucking adorable.
Denty and I were still curious about what had occurred during the missing days before Sean’s birthday, so we decided to play a grand-scale game of Clue, running about the mansion all night while Jarhead and Martha got some well-needed sleep. We probably needed sleep as much as them, but there was just too much to find out. So we started in the Observatory. There were empty bottles of alcohol and star charts all over the floor. Red crayon marks were all over the charts, connecting dots and connecting constellation to constellation. One of the sets of connections formed what could very well have been a apple. When Denty looked at it, he noticed there were two different shades of red lines.
“Yeah, yeah,” he realized excitedly, “These are Sean’s planetary signs. Gemini rising. Saturn connected with our sun. Our moon connected to Pisces.”
“So what are these, then,” I asked, indicating the lighter red lines.
“They must be Lilly Elaine’s signs. My God, the two form their own fucking constellation. Of course they went mad with love!”
I wasn’t much of one for astrology, but I had to admit this was pretty impressive. I’ll be damned if that wasn’t an apple. If that crooked line of stars called Pisces is supposed to be a couple fish, then that perfect planetary outline of an apple is a GOD DAMNED APPLE. Just then a silly thought popped into my head.
“Hey, remember those three stupid lines of French Sean used to say all the time?”
“Sort of,” Denty replied, “Something about a French horn?”
“An inflatable horn. Le klaxon gonflable est petit et stupide: The inflatable horn is small and stupid.”
“Okay…?” Denty, who rarely looked baffled, certainly did now.
“Le poisson rouge est, aussi. Je suis est Diane Keaton.”
“Diane Keaton?”
“Yeah. ‘The goldfish is also. My name is Dianne Keaton.’ It was just nonsense, but it was all he could remember from French class. I guess what I’m trying to say is, what sign is Diane Keaton.”
“Capricorn.”
“Figures.”
The next room we visited was the Library, which looked as though it had been shaken like a snow globe. Not a single book was on the shelves, which was impressive since there were 10 levels to the massive oak bookcases, which required the sliding ladder that was clearly in three pieces. In fact the ladder sort of looked like it had been chewed by a giant. I had a daydream of the two of them, naked and beast-like, attacking the ladder as though it were a zebra or some other wild prey, then climbing the bookshelves like monkeys. Other than the book selection being devoid of fiction and there being even more empty bottles of liquor, there weren’t many clues in here, so we ventured down the hallway to the left. As we walked through the clutter of photographs, books, and bottles, I became aware of a trail leading to the last door in the hallway. The lock on the door had a fork stuck in it and all around the handle the wood was splintered and broken as if kicked in. Inside was a clutter of portraits and more photographs, newspaper clippings, letters, and notes. It hit both of us very slowly. I noticed first the pictures of a young Lilly Elaine. Denty picked up a review of a ballet called The Age of Anxiety, where Lilly Elaine Warhol had excelled at a role originally made famous by George Balanchine’s fifth wife, Tanaquil LeClercq. The review was good, praising Lilly Elaine copiously. Looking back, it’s almost as if, with all the overwhelming evidence before us, not wanting to face what would be proven, our minds desperately sought distraction. Then it began to make it’s way through. Half of the pictures of Lilly Elaine were of someone much older than she appeared now. I saw these as only portraits, paintings because logic wouldn’t allow for photographs of someone older. Then those made it in and the camel’s back broke.
“Holy mother of…” Denty mumbled with a look of horror on his face.
“No it can’t, it can’t be right,” I prayed. But it was right. Plain as ink. I imagined Lamia Bruja’s face laughing at me as I pieced it together.
Half of the pictures were of the late L’Ellegony. Lilly Elaine was L’Ellegony, the Brandy Warhol’s arch-nemesis, patron of a Fascist Rational Future, devoid of discord, the woman Brandy sent her son out to destroy. The person she had molded Sean’s life to be in ABSOLUTE OPPOSITION TO. Sean Magee had made 17 days of rapturous love to his worst enemy. How she was living again… how she was young again… how she had no memory of her former self… At the time we had no idea.
This was only the half of it, though. Just as we had stood for quite some time in a room full of pictures of L’Ellegony, finding distractions in news clippings and letters, so too had the next revelation stared us in the face for several minutes before we would let it hit us: Lilly Elaine Warhol. WARHOL. Immediately another clipping, from the New York Times, confirmed it:
“The talent of the ensemble is respectable but not profound. However this is wholly compensated for by the incomparable skill of the lead dancer, the formerly obscure Lilly Elaine Warhol (the writer-director Brandy Warhol’s sister), who steals the show with the natural elegance of a prima ballerina assoluta.”
Our jaws hung there for a while, when suddenly Denty’s eyes widened rapidly and ran out of the room. I followed him to the Observatory where he stood in awe of the huge telescope for a moment. Turning to me he held up one finger as if to say, ‘Just one second.’ Then he put his eye to the eye-piece. A huge grin spread across his face and he allowed himself to fall backward, in mockery of fainting.
“Of course!” he laughed, “Take a look.”
I walked up and looked in the eye-piece. I saw a small reddish sphere. Shrugging, I turned back to Denty, confused. He explained with one word.
“Eris.”
Sliding on his knees across the wood floor, he scooped up the star chart. Smiling and shaking his head, he pointed to a spot on the map for me to see. Sure enough, at the tip of his finger, in the center of the red outline of an apple was the Eris, the recently discovered planet. The next thing that happened was so synchronistic, I have decided to classify it as “stupid.” Just like that photograph of the Argentinean aristocrat woman’s birthday party, the one that both Sean and Darby were obsessed with simultaneously (which now Darby is painting for Lilly Elaine Warhol), it was just to perfect to be real. A genuinely stupid coincidence. Because right after discovering the dual star charts of Lilly Elaine Warhol and Sean Michael Magee, Dr. Derek Stiles entered the room.
“Miss Lilly is pregnant.”
A wedding was planned. It would be an impromptu affair performed in the library. Since Sean was a Reverend he simply ordained Martha Curran as a Priestess (one last bit of Irrational nonsense, I guess) and let her do the honors. I was the best man, of course, and Denty and Darby were the Bridesmaids. It had all the beginnings of a low-key, simple, down-to-earth show of two people’s genuine love for each other, something unheard of in the days of the Irrational Revolution.
“We are gathered here today to celebrate the mystery and magic of the Force as it manifests through the love of these two beautiful people,” Martha sermonized. “There is no one I have ever met who I would allow to be united with my brother in Holy Matrimony. I’m very protective of him, as I’m sure the Best Man and Bridesmaids can relate. For years, those who loved him had no enduring access to him. For years he was lead away from love with the promise of something greater. And as the Force always does, he found exactly that… something much greater… and it turned out to be simple love.”
I got watery-eyed at that point. Martha had put it wonderfully.
“Sean Magee, do you take Lilly Elaine Warhol to be your beloved wife? To be one with the Force through her and with her, until death parts you both, and perhaps even beyond?”
“YES.”
“Lilly Elaine Warhol, do you take Sean Magee to be your beloved husband? To witness the unity of destiny as foretold in the stars, to raise a child as a testament of the endurance of love above all other things, rational and irrational, until death projects you both into the heavens to become governing constellations yourself?”
Whoa, I thought, that’s a bit heavy.
“Yes, I say Yes, I do YES.”
Oh boy, this is Sean’s girl all right.
“If there is anyone here who objects to this union, and Eris curse them if there is, may they speak now or forever hold their peace.”
The sound was deafening.
The world was exploding. All around ever color of the rainbow had suddenly covered ever corner of the room. Red dots, yellow dots, a dot of every color. Bridey Clones, guns blazing burst through the huge glass window facing the terrace. There were hundreds of them. Most of us ducked, but Chach Von Chach was picking them off one-by-one. He would take out two or three, letting out a full six from his .44, then reload at lightning speed. At one point he switched to his pump shotgun and blew open the heads of and blew open the chests of an entire unit of Blue Brideys. In all of this everyone lost sight of what was really happening. When I looked back at the altar, Lilly Elaine was holding Sean while Martha crouched over the two, clearly yelling something. I ran up there to help. The Bridey Clones were so precise they hadn’t hit anyone but Sean. He looked ghastly. There had to be a least a hundred holes in him by now. The noise died down and, improbable as it may seem, Craig had killed all but a couple of Grey Brideys, who he was now having an intense shootout with.
Sean was bleeding from the mouth and one of his eyes. He was trying to speak. I kept telling him not to try, that we would get Dr. Stiles in here to fix him. That was impossible, I was just trying to comfort him; Dr. Stiles had left for Japan that morning. Words began to come out of Sean then, a stream of them. Knowing that he would have wanted this more than anything, I pulled out my notepad and pen (Sean and I always carry both), and became his deathbed-stenographer. Here, without edit, is the full transcript of Sean Magee’s final word:
“I’ve wept, I swear it, I’ve dashed a thousand kin… Jarhead, I need a fix, I’m goin’ down… where’s that little doll- she ever show her tin head- I still love that doll… one two three…now I know, I’m one of three, send me to my other two… if memory serves me, but it don’t… X is running the show and he’s lonely… by the locker, love eye, barging in my private time… sardine hearts for the truth, there’s nothing but the truth… Z’s and L’z, Z and L, down to the deep, rust those metal bones…letters in the lake can’t take…What happened to the seventeen? Oh, oh, she done it, please. The shooting is a bit safe, and that kind of shooting took a man's life. No payrolls. Keep ‘em coming crayola. One day gonna be a Paleoarchonaut, can’t be a heart nobody can be a heart. You are a soft-boiled man. Did you see me? Did they see my red hands? I am sore and I am going down and I am going to give you honey on X if I can. He came first, like that chicken, no that egg, I forget. I don’t remember anything, the big hole. Got his hand in time, no memory like me, like Lillypie. Baby’s gonna shoot Satan, baby’s gonna shoot God. You got that, get that- it’s the honey! Mother was the worst bet, please let Satan draw me quick…”
He went silent for a while, but his heart was still beating. I didn’t notice but Zelda A. English was next now at his side as well, wiping blood from his nose, eye, and mouth. She must have arrived for the wedding, just after the shooting. She looked so calm as if she had been ready for this moment all her life. Everyone else was a wreck. Not to mention the bloody Bridey Clone bodies everywhere. I felt very sick and sad, but when Sean began to speak again, I diligently scribed every word:
“Kindly take me shoes off”
“They are off honey,” Zelda told him, holding one of his hands. Lilly Elaine had the other.
“No. There is a handcuff on them. The General says these things. I know what I am doing here with my collection of papers. It isn't worth a nickel to them or me but to a collector it is worth a fortune. It is priceless. I am going to turn it over to... Turn you back to me, please Jarhead. I am so sick now. Look out for Jacob, for he is an old pal of mine. Come on, come on, Jared. Ok, ok, I am all through. Can't say another thing. Look out mamma, look out for her. She’s in this room. You can't beat her. Paul, mamma, Joan, mother, please take me out. I will settle for a poem. Come on, open the liver switches. The chimney sweeps. Talk to the mastersword. Shut up, you got a big mouth! I won’t, you can whip down there later, but I won’t shut up. They gotta have the honey. Please help me up, Lilly. Craig, come over here. New England clam chowder. I want to play. Let them leave me together.”
Lilly Elaine pulled him up into her arms. Blood gushed everywhere. I have never seen so much blood. Zelda was wearing a white dress which was now soaked in it. She didn’t seem phased. Then Sean’s eyes widened and he let out this final song:
“A rose is surely a delicate thing,
but hold not tightly to it's thorns in the wind
For L is 2
and Elle is three
Fear Not the Return of L'Ellegony!
The Psion sleeps in gentle weepings
For his soul is damp and dripping
With the torment of her Emerald eyes...
For Belladonna Blackburn is below,
And Bella Black takes nothing back
For will is as she Wills it.
String pictures recall an Epic Tale
In which an epoch of liberal meter
And appaling rhythm
Is interrupted rather abruptly
By the musings of a merciless muse!
Diabolical Dark Demonic
Hypnotic Osmosis
In Belladonna they rmain
Please, child, B'ware stay sane!
For her nihil-d'atattu
Beseech thee in flames
The matriarchal resurgence
In the layers of her chrysallis
It manifests in intellect
As crystallization takes effect
With Water's pacifying influence
On the flames of the Elder Ones
from w'thin'er!
B'ware!
"In ooze she bedded,
With me at her side
Deeper than the resonance of this Globe
And mudded by the presence of Pan!"
-The Dirty Bard did Screech!
I'm dun fer
I'm dun fer
B'gunn
B'gunn
Or b'wareder
direconsercrence!!!!”
Lilly Elaine laid him down again, his eyes were closed and he was gasping for air like a drowning person. Then his eyes opened wide and began to frantically search for something. They finally rested on me and he spoke one last time:
“Mother Superior jumped the gun, Jared. Thanks for the book, Jared. I wish I had time to write one.”
His eyes rolled back, he let out a last breath, and fell limp on Lilly’s lap.
Sean Magee was dead. Everyone was standing around the body in a circle, someone pushed through the crowd. It was Lt. Billiam Esq. III, Sean’s former right-hand man.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” He fell to his knees with his hands to his face, weeping loudly. A moment later he stood, his eyes red and wet, put up his hand and shouted, “He will have a Irish Wake. It will not be mournful, it will be joyful! That is how he wanted it!”
***
The next few days were a blur. Eventually the wake came and, sadly, Sean had a closed casket. I hadn’t really cried yet, and it reminded me of a funeral in the distant past. Many people showed up: Jazputin, The Grache and Andy B., Kevie D., Humpty Dumpty, even General Dissaray was there to pay respects. It was solomn at first, no one could avoid that, but when Lt. Billiam and I read segments of James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake, followed by Dr. Gross, Darby, Denty, and Chach von Chach kicking off the song Finnegan’s Wake, everything changed. We all got royally drunk and sang the song 17 times. For Sean’s sake I will reprint the lyrics to this traditional Irish folksong here:
Tim Finnegan lived in Walkin Street, a gentle Irishman mighty odd
He had a brogue both rich and sweet, an' to rise in the world he carried a hod
You see he'd a sort of a tipplers way but the love for the liquor poor Tim was born
To help him on his way each day, he'd a drop of the craythur every morn
Whack fol the dah now dance to yer partner around the flure yer trotters shake
Wasn't it the truth I told you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake
One morning Tim got rather full, his head felt heavy which made him shake
Fell from a ladder and he broke his skull, and they carried him home his corpse to wake
Rolled him up in a nice clean sheet, and laid him out upon the bed
A bottle of whiskey at his feet and a barrel of porter at his head
Whack fol the dah now dance to yer partner around the flure yer trotters shake
Wasn't it the truth I told you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake
His friends assembled at the wake, and Mrs Finnegan called for lunch
First she brought in tay and cake, then pipes, tobacco and whiskey punch
Biddy O'Brien began to cry, "Such a nice clean corpse, did you ever see,
Tim avourneen, why did you die?", "Will ye hould your gob?" said Paddy McGee
Whack fol the dah now dance to yer partner around the flure yer trotters shake
Wasn't it the truth I told you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake
Then Maggie O'Connor took up the job, "Biddy" says she "you're wrong, I'm sure"
Biddy gave her a belt in the gob and left her sprawling on the floor
Then the war did soon engage, t'was woman to woman and man to man
Shillelagh law was all the rage and a row and a ruction soon began
Whack fol the dah now dance to yer partner around the flure yer trotters shake
Wasn't it the truth I told you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake
Mickey Maloney ducked his head when a bucket of whiskey flew at him
It missed, and falling on the bed, the liquor scattered over Tim
Bedad he revives, see how he rises, Timothy rising from the bed
Saying "Whittle your whiskey around like blazes, t'underin' Jaysus, do ye think I'm dead?"
On the last time singing the song, at this last verse, Zelda and Darby popped open the casket, pulled out the mummified (yes, like an Egyptian, we figured Sean would’ve liked that too) body and high-tailed it out of there, into Zelda’s pickeup truck, and off into the sunset. I don’t think they really needed to go so quickly, but like Sean, Darby and Zelda had a touch of the melodrama in them. The night is a drunken cloud after that. The next day, mostly everyone got breakfast together at a nearby diner. I had a huge Monte Cristo, since I’m eating meat again, which cured my hangover (what is it about super-greay food that cures hangovers?). Everyone disbanded except me, Lilly Elaine, and Denty Creep who decided to go back to the scene of the crime. Jazputin came running up behind us as we left the diner.
“I’m coming with you guys,” he panted as he caught up, “I can’t stand it in there. There was this terrible conversation about some stupid noise band, that honestly isn’t very good, and then it turned into one of those awkward conversations about what commercials and cartoons they could remember from their childhood.”
I’m glad I wasn’t there,” Lilly added as we got into the white hearse (Lamia had disappeared the day before the wedding), “I don’t remember my childhood.”
At the Manor we found Chach von Chach examining some bullets he had pulled out during his impromptu autopsy.
“This is a 22 caliber and from the looks of it,” he said, holding up a small, narrow bullet, “it was the first fired. Right in the heart, none of these other shots were needed. This would’ve certainly done the job. I’ve traced it to this gun which was left here. And I’ve made copies of the fingerprints.”
“Whose are they?” Lilly asked sharply.
“Well, I hacked into the FBI’s thumbprint ID service, the one the Patriot Club had passed so all citizens are profiled from birth…”
“AND?!!”
“Clark Regence. Works for the IRS. In collections.”
“What?” Denty looked surprised, “It wasn’t a Bridey Clone or some Irrational Revolution member… maybe undercover?”
“Nope. In fact I looked into this guy, Clark, and checked his case files. He was in charge of collections for Sean’s file. Turns out all those times Sean went ‘undercover’ by surfacing in the ‘real world’, every normal job he took, the rare times he used real American currency, well… he never paid a penny in tax.”
Figures, I thought, after a life so extraordinary, in the end he’s killed by the mundane. Wow. After that we all pretty much went back to our respective lives, but I kept in touch with Denty, Martha, Darby, and Lilly Elaine. We all came to her baby when it was born.
“I’m naming her Zöe, after that wonderful selkie princess, Zelda.”
“But Zelda’s name is Zelda,” Darby commented.
“Yeah, but I like Zöe better.”
Lilly Elaine sold her mansion after that and bought a house in New Bedford, MA where she could be close to the people she would introduce to her daughter as Grammy and Grampy, Joan and Paul Avellar. They lived in Freeville just down the road from Denty Creep, who she would introduce Zöe to as “Uncle Denty”. Martha was named Godmother and I was named Godfather and Chach von Chach made a pact with Lt. Billiam Esq. III to kill anyone who’d seek to harm her. As for Brandy Warhol, she completely disappeared. Obviously, she found an excellent hiding spot.
I traveled. I wrote. I checked in my Goddaughter from time to time. She was a temperamental monster of a toddler, but Martha swore she could do no harm. I, on the other hand, was pretty convinced she could… and would. Oh well.
I still can’t forget Sean’s last words to me, the reason I continued writing, in fact,
“Thanks for the book, Jared. I wish I had time to write one.”
I’ve got time.
THE END
CREDITS
(As credits roll: photographs and video of Zöe as a baby, then
a toddler, then as a little girl. Photos of her playing in a playground,
a backyard. Some photos and videos show her throwing temper-tantrums.
MUSIC: Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun! )
A.V. Vienna - Himself
Anais Nin - Herself
Ayn Rand - Herself
Belle Blackburn - Heather Hall and Hannah
Andy B/Bolton Blessing - Andrew Bolton
Kid Bolton - Chris Bolton
Bridey Clones - Bridey Curran
Brackie Juno - Jackie Bruno
Capt. BiPorches - Jimmy Cookman
Carl Prather - Himself
Castratina - Catalina
Chach von Chach - Craig Marshall
Coral Pigeontelevision - Corey Pignatelli
Crispin Hellion Glover - stock footage
Darvel Chillfro - Darrell Monti
Nate the Great - Nate James
Euromotion - Themselves
Timeship Earth - Themselves
Dawn Wonn Sonobrio - Ben Sonobria
Dr. Pepper - Joel Thomas Pepper
Dutch Schultz - Himself
ENR - Elise Nicole Richard
Denty Creep - Eric Brown
Darby Denton - Dan Dubois
Dr. Gross - Dan Gross
General Disarray - Ryan Lehman
General Terror - Sean Magee
The Greedy Angel - Matt Reinke
Gypsy Moths - Dan Dubois & Leslie Wakefield
Humpty Dumpty - Eggy
(Picture and video of Zöe smoking cigarettes in middle school,
beating on other girls, then on boys, making out with a boy in 8th Grade.
then Zöe drinking heavily and smoking pot, generally reckless behavior;
yelling and throwing a lamp at her mother)
Eggy - Paul S_____
Emolina the Almighty - Emolina
Kate the Great - Caitlin Love
The Invigilator - Voice of Dr. X
Jake Smith - Sean Magee
James Joyce - Himself
Jazputin - Jazpur Leigh
Kevie D- Kevin D.
Jared Manhead - Jarhead F. F. W. Manley
Jarhead F.F.W. Manley - Jared Manley
Jennifer Juniper - Jen Cowing
Jesse Spit - Jesse Cowan
Lilly Elaine Warhol - Lindsey Liberatore
L’Ellegony - Lindsey Liberatore
Lamia Bruja - Sonja
(MUSIC CHANGE: Velvet Underground - I Found A Reason
More footage of Zöe: studying hard in highschool, then graduating,
Shots of Harvard, photo of her, as editor, with staff of Harvard Crimson.
Her mother cheering and crying and hugging her at her college graduation.
End of pictures and videos of Zöe)
Lillybot - Lindsey Collins
Lt. Batch Technical - Brian Sours
Lt. Billiam Esq. III - Bill Ellis
Luigi - Luigi
Mario - Mario
Material Girl - some bitch in New York City
Martha Curran - God
Miasmo Tootsie - Katie Sweet
Nahart Yllom - Molly Trahan
Aleksander Pushkin - Himself
Ren - Elise Nicole Richard
Rod Vega - Sean Magee
Saul Goodman - Sean Magee
Sensible Craig - Craig Mederos
Smell - Melanie
T.I.S. - Tis
Vicious Miss - Marissa Hunniwell
Mariel Lima - is not in this film. Too bad.
Soccer Tennis Wilson - Rachel
The Grache - Grace and Rachel Jones
Yessy Lindon - Lindsey Collins
Rev. Dr. President, Etc. K.S.CS.L.M - Sean Magee
Sean Magee - Himself
Zelda A. English - Herself