I don't know what to think anymore
I know that I, as a person, have overcome a lot and improved myself, but my life in and of itself has just gotten more confusing by the day. Somehow I thought I could volunteer myself to do everything that everyone asked of me and not manage to break into insanity, and now I find myself on the brink and seriously needing to drop some things. It keeps me busy so that I don't have to deal with all of the drama going on with seemingly everyone, yet at the same time I wish so badly that I could just understand what is happening. It seems as though there is this elephant in the room that no one will confront, only whisper about, and I have no idea why it's there, only the elephant is just a general uncontented feeling, to say the least. That how it is at CATA lately and I have no idea what's really going on. I hear murmers from people about how they are not happy with not being challenged or motivated during half of their classes and more murmurs of how they aren't happy with the people who they are around all of the time and I'm slowly watching what were once good relationships just disintigrate. It's having an effect on me, gradual, but consistently building. I find myself withdrawing from the people I thought were my friends because I don't want to get involved, which isn't like me. I've always been very outgoing and blundt with people, but lately I'm not so much. I just wish that we could all get along and figure out a way to fix this mess we've all somehow ended up in, but I'm, for once, just scared to talk to people. I have it in my head that they're all just going to say one thing to my face and pretend to care and then, the second I walk away, just be mean. I have no idea what my "friends" think of me or what they say about me. Every time I hear them say something about some one who they pretend to be nice to, I just think to myself, "God, what do you really think of me?" and although I ask them to let me know when something's up and all, I don't know if they ever will. I want to feel close to people, even just as a friend I can talk to without worrying about what's thought of me. I don't try to get close to my old friends again because they gossip, drink, smoke, or whatever. I don't want friends who are like that. Then I don't even know if it's worth trying to talk to other people because they have their group of friends and I don't want to try and join them, unwelcomed, and then find out that they all have the same problems every one else has had. I wish things weren't like this and I wish that I would not have found myself in this situation, but this is the way it is.