I Miss You!
My Dearest Mom,
It's been 6 months today. I have had a really hard time today. It's such a sad day for so many people, and I am no exception. Six months ago, I got the phone call around 2am that I better get to you. I did. When everyone said that they couldn't watch, I didn't think about myself. I thought about you. I was hoping you weren't scared. I was hoping that you knew I was there holding your hand. I was hoping you could hear my voice and understand the words I was saying to you. I was hoping you weren't in any pain. But most of all, I was hoping that it was a bad dream and that I would wake up and you would be you all over again. This morning around 2am I woke up to the song "I hope you had the time of your life." I couldn't believe it. Everytime I hear that song I change the station, I have ever since Melissa's death. I could hear it and I was still asleep. I kept thinking that I had to get away from it. I couldn't listen, but I couldn't fully wake up and get away from it. I don't even know why the tv was on that station. God Mom, did you have a good life? Did you do all the things you wanted to? You worked so hard. I know I took advantage of that, I am so sorry. I wish I could have done so much more for you. You deserve so much. Isn't it funny how we always think we don't have time for things until our time runs out? I always thought I didn't have the time to drive "all the way" to your house to visit. Amazingly enough, if I would have known, I would have driven there everyday, several times a day. I took for granted you would always be there, so I never told you all the things that I should have. I should have told you how much I admired you. I didn't agree with a lot of your lifestyle choices but I admire your ability to adjust and make do. You were my hero in so many ways. Thank you for the love and support you showed me through most of my life. I couldn't have had Kristen without your help and support and I appreciate that more than I could ever express to you. She means the world to me.
I have such mixed emotions, Mom. I feel like it was just yesterday that we were argueing about Mardi Gras, or me being ashamed of my raising. It seems like just yesterday that you were holding my hand when I was scared having Laken. It seems like just yesterday that we were sitting, facing each other just talking about life. On the other hand, it feels like it's been forever since I sat down and talked to you. It feels like it's been forever that I felt your hug. It seems like it's been forever since I heard you say my name or call me baby or hug me or, or, or anything! It just seems like it's been forever. I never knew what a staple in my life you were. I always loved you, always. You frustrated me to no end, but I loved you. I can't imagine it being this painful forever, yet, I can't imagine it not. Oh my God,Mom I miss you so much! It hurts so bad. I want to curl up in your lap. I want to see the kids curl up in your lap. I want to smell you. I wished you wore perfume so that I could spray it and have that memory all the time. I want you to fuss at me that I am making things hard on myself because Laken is so spoiled. I want to be able to call you and wish you a happy grandparents day. I want you to wipe away my tears and tell me everythings going to be alright. I need you Mom. I need you. I really need you. This is so painful and sad and hurtful and lonely. Six months. Six months without you. Six months without my Mom. Six months without the grandmother to my children. Six months without my husband's mother-in-law. Six months without one of the best friends I have ever had. Six months without your nurturing. Six months without my Mom. Six months. Six months and a lifetime to go.
I hope you are holding my spot, Mom. I hope you are putting a good word in for me. I hope you know how much I need you. I hope you know how much I miss you. I hope it's as beautiful there as the Book says. I hope you are happy. I hope you watch over us. I hope you know how much you are loved. I hope you keep leaving me pennies. I hope you know how sorry I am for not saving you. I love you,Mom. I love you, I miss you, I love you! Please help me. I need you to help me make the pain ease up. I know it will never stop. I just need it to ease up. Please come see me tonight. It's been six months Mom. Six Hard Months. Hard. I miss you.
With all the love a daughter has to give,
Kathy Anne
P.S.- Thank you for Eric's wallet. I know it was you :)
It's been 6 months today. I have had a really hard time today. It's such a sad day for so many people, and I am no exception. Six months ago, I got the phone call around 2am that I better get to you. I did. When everyone said that they couldn't watch, I didn't think about myself. I thought about you. I was hoping you weren't scared. I was hoping that you knew I was there holding your hand. I was hoping you could hear my voice and understand the words I was saying to you. I was hoping you weren't in any pain. But most of all, I was hoping that it was a bad dream and that I would wake up and you would be you all over again. This morning around 2am I woke up to the song "I hope you had the time of your life." I couldn't believe it. Everytime I hear that song I change the station, I have ever since Melissa's death. I could hear it and I was still asleep. I kept thinking that I had to get away from it. I couldn't listen, but I couldn't fully wake up and get away from it. I don't even know why the tv was on that station. God Mom, did you have a good life? Did you do all the things you wanted to? You worked so hard. I know I took advantage of that, I am so sorry. I wish I could have done so much more for you. You deserve so much. Isn't it funny how we always think we don't have time for things until our time runs out? I always thought I didn't have the time to drive "all the way" to your house to visit. Amazingly enough, if I would have known, I would have driven there everyday, several times a day. I took for granted you would always be there, so I never told you all the things that I should have. I should have told you how much I admired you. I didn't agree with a lot of your lifestyle choices but I admire your ability to adjust and make do. You were my hero in so many ways. Thank you for the love and support you showed me through most of my life. I couldn't have had Kristen without your help and support and I appreciate that more than I could ever express to you. She means the world to me.
I have such mixed emotions, Mom. I feel like it was just yesterday that we were argueing about Mardi Gras, or me being ashamed of my raising. It seems like just yesterday that you were holding my hand when I was scared having Laken. It seems like just yesterday that we were sitting, facing each other just talking about life. On the other hand, it feels like it's been forever since I sat down and talked to you. It feels like it's been forever that I felt your hug. It seems like it's been forever since I heard you say my name or call me baby or hug me or, or, or anything! It just seems like it's been forever. I never knew what a staple in my life you were. I always loved you, always. You frustrated me to no end, but I loved you. I can't imagine it being this painful forever, yet, I can't imagine it not. Oh my God,Mom I miss you so much! It hurts so bad. I want to curl up in your lap. I want to see the kids curl up in your lap. I want to smell you. I wished you wore perfume so that I could spray it and have that memory all the time. I want you to fuss at me that I am making things hard on myself because Laken is so spoiled. I want to be able to call you and wish you a happy grandparents day. I want you to wipe away my tears and tell me everythings going to be alright. I need you Mom. I need you. I really need you. This is so painful and sad and hurtful and lonely. Six months. Six months without you. Six months without my Mom. Six months without the grandmother to my children. Six months without my husband's mother-in-law. Six months without one of the best friends I have ever had. Six months without your nurturing. Six months without my Mom. Six months. Six months and a lifetime to go.
I hope you are holding my spot, Mom. I hope you are putting a good word in for me. I hope you know how much I need you. I hope you know how much I miss you. I hope it's as beautiful there as the Book says. I hope you are happy. I hope you watch over us. I hope you know how much you are loved. I hope you keep leaving me pennies. I hope you know how sorry I am for not saving you. I love you,Mom. I love you, I miss you, I love you! Please help me. I need you to help me make the pain ease up. I know it will never stop. I just need it to ease up. Please come see me tonight. It's been six months Mom. Six Hard Months. Hard. I miss you.
With all the love a daughter has to give,
Kathy Anne
P.S.- Thank you for Eric's wallet. I know it was you :)