another epiphany
ok so like a no that i have had an epiphany eery like 3 weeks pretty much buthopefully i can sort myself out now.
Usually i feel good and stuff and then something happens (generally with my mum) and once again i fall apart. but hopefully not this time.
1. i have spent a large part of this year upset that my mum doesnt like me and trying to figure out why, trying to get back in her good books and trying to be who she wants me to be. so you know what? ENOUGH! ok so i figure i just have to accept it and move on.
story: yesterday i was having a good day and my mum got home from picking my brother up from work, and she turned to me and said, dont start anything with him i am not in the mood. in the meantime he was picking a fight with my other brother. next thing i know she is hugging him and cooking him dinner because he didnt want what the rest of us were having. this followed him swearing at me at the dinner table and my mother telling me off for telling him to shut up after he swore.
no matter what tim does she loves him and no matter what i do i am wrong and i get so upset trying to figure out why... so u know what? she hates me. Big Deal ... i am a big girl,and i can deal with that.
2. stop being scared! i am scared of how i feel, i am scared of how other people feel about me. i am scared to be assertive and say what i want. but no more!!!!! at home the theory is i can have an opinion, as long as it is the same as everyone elses. (which it hardly ever is, as my brothers are very narrow minded, the theory is i support gay marriage therefore i must be gay) i am allowed to feel a certain way, as long as everyone else approves ( how dare i not spend my life crying because my father died 8 years ago.)
I am who I am, i feel what i feel and from now on i am determined to stop letting things get me down.
i feel as if i wasted this whole year being upset, being angry, being hurt, being pushed around. It makes me sad, because all of the things i have gone through with my mum has changed who I am. It has made me scared to fall in love becasue i have felt worthless, i have felt that if my own mother cannot love me then i have no hope. I have felt scared to love Adrian for fear that he will soon realise that i am crap. i have been scared to let go and just live. i felt like i wanted to die, i just wanted to be free, free from everybody who was holding me back and free from all of the people who i felt i was holding back.
I feel bad as i think back to last year, to early this year. Me and Adrian were so comfortable together, we had so much fun and i never doubted the way he felt. i never doubted our friendship, and when it grew into more i never doubted that it was right.
Now everytime anything happens i doubt that he could every truly love me, i doubt whether i could make him happy and i doubted whether we were right together.
But i know that i have never been more happy than when i am with him, i know that in my head all of my future plans involve him. i know that i cannot bear to not see him every day and i know that i a grateful that i have him. I am lucky that i have him, not everybody has such a fantastic genuine guy. i know that everything he does, he does because he cares. and even though he drives me nuts sometimes. i love him.
Now i just need to work on letting him know that, because through all of my crazyness, i think i was scared to let him know.
i hope this makes sense and i hope you are not bored of my ramblings
p.s i am taking poledancing classes with Adrians best friends girlfriend!!!!!
Usually i feel good and stuff and then something happens (generally with my mum) and once again i fall apart. but hopefully not this time.
1. i have spent a large part of this year upset that my mum doesnt like me and trying to figure out why, trying to get back in her good books and trying to be who she wants me to be. so you know what? ENOUGH! ok so i figure i just have to accept it and move on.
story: yesterday i was having a good day and my mum got home from picking my brother up from work, and she turned to me and said, dont start anything with him i am not in the mood. in the meantime he was picking a fight with my other brother. next thing i know she is hugging him and cooking him dinner because he didnt want what the rest of us were having. this followed him swearing at me at the dinner table and my mother telling me off for telling him to shut up after he swore.
no matter what tim does she loves him and no matter what i do i am wrong and i get so upset trying to figure out why... so u know what? she hates me. Big Deal ... i am a big girl,and i can deal with that.
2. stop being scared! i am scared of how i feel, i am scared of how other people feel about me. i am scared to be assertive and say what i want. but no more!!!!! at home the theory is i can have an opinion, as long as it is the same as everyone elses. (which it hardly ever is, as my brothers are very narrow minded, the theory is i support gay marriage therefore i must be gay) i am allowed to feel a certain way, as long as everyone else approves ( how dare i not spend my life crying because my father died 8 years ago.)
I am who I am, i feel what i feel and from now on i am determined to stop letting things get me down.
i feel as if i wasted this whole year being upset, being angry, being hurt, being pushed around. It makes me sad, because all of the things i have gone through with my mum has changed who I am. It has made me scared to fall in love becasue i have felt worthless, i have felt that if my own mother cannot love me then i have no hope. I have felt scared to love Adrian for fear that he will soon realise that i am crap. i have been scared to let go and just live. i felt like i wanted to die, i just wanted to be free, free from everybody who was holding me back and free from all of the people who i felt i was holding back.
I feel bad as i think back to last year, to early this year. Me and Adrian were so comfortable together, we had so much fun and i never doubted the way he felt. i never doubted our friendship, and when it grew into more i never doubted that it was right.
Now everytime anything happens i doubt that he could every truly love me, i doubt whether i could make him happy and i doubted whether we were right together.
But i know that i have never been more happy than when i am with him, i know that in my head all of my future plans involve him. i know that i cannot bear to not see him every day and i know that i a grateful that i have him. I am lucky that i have him, not everybody has such a fantastic genuine guy. i know that everything he does, he does because he cares. and even though he drives me nuts sometimes. i love him.
Now i just need to work on letting him know that, because through all of my crazyness, i think i was scared to let him know.
i hope this makes sense and i hope you are not bored of my ramblings
p.s i am taking poledancing classes with Adrians best friends girlfriend!!!!!