the past that didn't become the future
So lately I have been pretty upset with my descision to stop persuing my nursing career. But then at dinner, this guy who I barely know (Its kind of cool to think that a person who doenst even know your struggles can help you so much) was talking about it, and saying how people in the medical profession are usually so busy and overwhelmed that they don't have time to have a life or be with their family. And although I was never planning on becoming a neurosurgeon and being that busy, it still put a smile in my mind. Family is something I value so much and something that is such a goal in life for me to have; so it makes me glad that my profession isn't as demanding and will allow for me to have a wonderful family in the future. I feel so much better and so encouraged to just persue my social work goals/dreams and not look into the past that I thought wouild become the future.
I feel like my secrets confront me. As if they are wanting me to share them to my friends, but then I just can't do it. I don't know if its me not wanting to be needy from other people, but I just can't come to share stuff. I have always been the listener, not the talker, in terms of problems. I hate the feeling that I am going to interupt/ruin someone elses day by me being "debbie the downer" and spilling my problems and what not. I came really close tonight to just shouting it out, but couldn't do it.
But on the bright side of my secrets... I found a really good book at Borders tonight. I couldn't bring myself to buy it because I don't really want anyone to know that I need to buy that book... but I have a plan to go back there and read it by my secretive lonesome.
Tonight I started wondering what a conversation would be like if the concept of exagerating had never been. Then, since I was thinking about it, I realized that so many people were exagerating thoughout the night... it was rather amusing, and gave me something to ponder while I was with a bunch of people I dind't know... and if I did know them, they had other people to mingle with.
Its strange because I am not usually one to like to be by myself, but lately, I love it. I feel so independent, but then I think "to the hell with this" and wish I had someone (a boy) to hold hands with (me on the bottom of course) and cuddle with, and be intimate with on the intelectual level. Yes, I have a few best friends to do this with, but there is just something deeper that comes with a signifcant other. I suppose this is a little on the selfish side of me to want this for myself, but I guess I could justify it by saying that I would be giving to the other person... hmm...
I NEED TO LET IT OUT.
I feel like my secrets confront me. As if they are wanting me to share them to my friends, but then I just can't do it. I don't know if its me not wanting to be needy from other people, but I just can't come to share stuff. I have always been the listener, not the talker, in terms of problems. I hate the feeling that I am going to interupt/ruin someone elses day by me being "debbie the downer" and spilling my problems and what not. I came really close tonight to just shouting it out, but couldn't do it.
But on the bright side of my secrets... I found a really good book at Borders tonight. I couldn't bring myself to buy it because I don't really want anyone to know that I need to buy that book... but I have a plan to go back there and read it by my secretive lonesome.
Tonight I started wondering what a conversation would be like if the concept of exagerating had never been. Then, since I was thinking about it, I realized that so many people were exagerating thoughout the night... it was rather amusing, and gave me something to ponder while I was with a bunch of people I dind't know... and if I did know them, they had other people to mingle with.
Its strange because I am not usually one to like to be by myself, but lately, I love it. I feel so independent, but then I think "to the hell with this" and wish I had someone (a boy) to hold hands with (me on the bottom of course) and cuddle with, and be intimate with on the intelectual level. Yes, I have a few best friends to do this with, but there is just something deeper that comes with a signifcant other. I suppose this is a little on the selfish side of me to want this for myself, but I guess I could justify it by saying that I would be giving to the other person... hmm...
I NEED TO LET IT OUT.