In flagrante delicto
I'm in it real, real bad.
Because love is agony, and I can't keep having a great time and hanging out and talking for seven hours and then taking a late night car home and spending my next week hung over with the feeling. And rather than some quick and convenient crush, this has been the same focus of my affection for a year and half. It should have gotten easier, but it hasn't.
The mistake was accepting his physical advances, and spending the last ten months periodically revisiting them. There's way too much acknowledgment of it on both sides, too much shared without external consequences. No matter how many times I remind myself that his situation means that we can never be together. And part of me feels incredibly foolish for treating myself as somehow special in his eyes, as if there's something so exceptional about me. That it's not about him proving something to himself, or reliving some part of his past that he can't get back. I want to flatter myself, and maybe there's truth in it.
But we shook on it, so it's not going to happen any more. We are probably kidding ourselves thinking that we can keep it up for long. I'm worried that something's gotta give. I'm probably not walking away without heartbreak.
In the meantime, I'm hooked, I am.
Because love is agony, and I can't keep having a great time and hanging out and talking for seven hours and then taking a late night car home and spending my next week hung over with the feeling. And rather than some quick and convenient crush, this has been the same focus of my affection for a year and half. It should have gotten easier, but it hasn't.
The mistake was accepting his physical advances, and spending the last ten months periodically revisiting them. There's way too much acknowledgment of it on both sides, too much shared without external consequences. No matter how many times I remind myself that his situation means that we can never be together. And part of me feels incredibly foolish for treating myself as somehow special in his eyes, as if there's something so exceptional about me. That it's not about him proving something to himself, or reliving some part of his past that he can't get back. I want to flatter myself, and maybe there's truth in it.
But we shook on it, so it's not going to happen any more. We are probably kidding ourselves thinking that we can keep it up for long. I'm worried that something's gotta give. I'm probably not walking away without heartbreak.
In the meantime, I'm hooked, I am.