Shamona!
I prayed and prayed that someday my skin would show the peppered signs of Vitiligo, but alas...i remained creamy and constant.
I thought maybe it would start in my youth, like Michael Jackson and worsen as i aged, but nope. Nothin'.
So, tho i don't HAVE Vitiligo like MJ, i can now BE MJ...
Click to viewYep, squint real hard and you'll see me within the 3D weirdness. YOU MAKE ONE TOO.
This happened.
I was casually pulling my car slowly into a crosswalk to turn right on red; a totally normal occurrence in everyday driving.
As I did so, an elderly woman - upset by the inconvenience it seemed to cause her for a total of three seconds - looked at me through my window as she walked her dog and hissed "You idiot".
The way she said it, combined with my somewhat fragile state of mind within the past year, burned me up.
It seemed so uncalled for, so inhuman, such a small but odd and unnecessary reaction to her temporary inconvenience.
She said it JUST as i pulled past her, knowing she could get away with it and that she was shielded by the fact that I was driving off in a 3 ton vehicle and she was continuing on her way through the crosswalk, feeling justified in her unjust actions.
And her tone, she said it deeply, raw, like she really meant it.
At first it made me laugh at how rediculous it was, but then...like a phoenix i BURNED. HULK SMAAASH. I'm not an idiot and she needs to know this! I pulled into a parking lot, locked the doors, not knowing just what i planned on doing but knew SOMETHING must be done, if only for my peace of mind. After locking the doors, I hurried back up the sidewalk and speed-walked in the direction i last saw her hobbling.
Now, standing on the exact spot where she uttered those fateful words, i peered in the three most logical directions and couldn't see her. So i ran straight ahead and then i saw her...about four blocks up, this lumbering woman and her dog on the leash. I had her in my Robocop visor: Target Acquired. Still without knowing what i was doing, i kept up a speedy pace until i was stalking her just half a block behind. At this point i could slow down and walk at her pace and really take things in. Think clearly Christian. This is it.
Yes. I was actively stalking an elderly woman. And i just wasn't ashamed.
Here's the plan i quickly formulated. I'd double-back a block, quickly circle around, get about two blocks ahead of her coming the OPPOSITE direction, and pass her walking on her same side of the block but going in the opposite direction. As soon as i reached her, i'd say in my sweet, cordial tone "Excuse me ma'm, do you have the time?" She'd more than likely oblige and give it to me, in which case i'd respond, "Thank you" immediately followed by the most snarled, sincere, life altering and understated "...you idiot" that i could muster.
No doubt she wouldn't recognize me from the car earlier and it would just be me harnessing Karma. Feeding her the poison she birthed into the world. This felt good. But here's where things change.
In the time that i stalked her, i couldn't help but notice the subtle nuances of this woman. She walked with an uncomfortable stride, an unbalanced rhythm. Her ankles seemed swollen, her hair was a mess and whereas before i thought she called me an idiot because i interupted her routine with the dog she so loved, i now noticed any time the dog would stop to do normal dog THINGS like to pee, or sniff, she'd JERK it's collar to continue at her pace.
Now, without sounding overly emotional, or sappy, or GAY...i'll go ahead and say that within those few minutes of stalking her, of observing her, i was struck with a sad UNDERSTANDING of her. The angel on my shoulder whispered sweet & sour nothings in my ear and my master plan went out the window. We're all battling life's tendency to transform us into ailing, angry, anxious old women walking the streets alone. Zombies - the living dead - if you will (wink wink). She didn't need any more poison today, so i turned around and headed back to the car.
I felt oddly enlightened, happy i was able to come to that sort of conclusion at this point in my life...but also a little disappointed for my loss of a great revenge story. Because really, that would just been cool.
The end.
Alsooo...if you'd like, check out my new piece: 'Colour Me Beautiful'.
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Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize y'all's neighbourhood.
And whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the hounds of hell
And rot inside a corpse's shell.
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of 40,000 years
And grizzy ghouls from every tomb
re closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist...
The evil of the thriller.