bawdy balladry
Taken from a book given to me for Christmas entitled 'Dirty Little Limericks':
"A Good Friend of mine - a practicing therapist - has advanced the thesis that the greatest contribution to human health and sanity in the last two hundred years is neither penicillin nor indoor plumbing, but rather the limerick. He often prescribes limericks for his patients, particularly in cases of depression and melancholy."
Alright. Here goes. Swallow hard.
A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgeons,
And swarms with erotic effex.'>
A Pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
There was a young girl whose frigidity
Approached cataleptic rigidity
Till you gave her a drink,
When she quickly would sink
In a state of complaisant liquidity.
There once was a lady from Arden
Who sucked off a man in a garden.
He said, "My dear Flo,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "(swallow hard) - I beg your pardon?"
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They screw the whole day
In the regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.
There was a young lady named Hatch
Who would always come through in a scratch.
If a guy wouldn't neck her,
She'd grab up his pecker
And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
There was a young fellow named Grimes
Who fucked his girl seventeen times
In the course of a week -
And this isn't to speak
Of assorted venereal crimes.
Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And her ass-hole in Buckingham Palace.
Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Who said "You are utterly wrong
To say my vagina
's the largest in China,
Just because of your mean little dong."
There was a young man of Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it."
There was a young squaw of Wohunt
Who posessed a collapsible cunt.
It had many odd uses,
Produced no papooses,
And fitted both giant and runt.
There was a young fellow of Strensall
Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
Anemic, 'tis true,
But an interesting screw,
Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for the size of her pubic.
When they asked her its size
She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
"A Good Friend of mine - a practicing therapist - has advanced the thesis that the greatest contribution to human health and sanity in the last two hundred years is neither penicillin nor indoor plumbing, but rather the limerick. He often prescribes limericks for his patients, particularly in cases of depression and melancholy."
Alright. Here goes. Swallow hard.
A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgeons,
And swarms with erotic effex.'>
A Pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
There was a young girl whose frigidity
Approached cataleptic rigidity
Till you gave her a drink,
When she quickly would sink
In a state of complaisant liquidity.
There once was a lady from Arden
Who sucked off a man in a garden.
He said, "My dear Flo,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "(swallow hard) - I beg your pardon?"
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They screw the whole day
In the regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.
There was a young lady named Hatch
Who would always come through in a scratch.
If a guy wouldn't neck her,
She'd grab up his pecker
And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
There was a young fellow named Grimes
Who fucked his girl seventeen times
In the course of a week -
And this isn't to speak
Of assorted venereal crimes.
Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And her ass-hole in Buckingham Palace.
Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Who said "You are utterly wrong
To say my vagina
's the largest in China,
Just because of your mean little dong."
There was a young man of Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it."
There was a young squaw of Wohunt
Who posessed a collapsible cunt.
It had many odd uses,
Produced no papooses,
And fitted both giant and runt.
There was a young fellow of Strensall
Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
Anemic, 'tis true,
But an interesting screw,
Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for the size of her pubic.
When they asked her its size
She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"