*Sigh* rocky day
*sigh*
She did it again. My mom brought it up again, only this time it was different. and every time i want to just let it out, but i can't, not yet at least. In time it will come...in time.
So i was sitting in my room and my mom comes into my room - which isn't very hard b/c i have no door - and asks if what she is wearing looks okay. She was going/is/went to my dad's work christmas party thing. i told her it looked fine - and t did look fine. Then she noticed my flowers.
She asked me where i got the flowers from and i said "Sara gave them to me." and she did her whole look thing. at that point i knew it was coming. then she told me about a guy at church we knew just got arrested for molestation. apparently he had been going to these support group meetings for people dealing with porn and stuff like that. I don't remember how my mom related that to me, but she kinda did in a way.
Not the molesation, but the support group thing - jeeze you people and your sick minds :) j/k
anyway, i guess this girl, amber, was talking to one of my mom's friends and she (Amber) said that she goes to a support group for people who are dealing with "same sex attractions." and then my mom's friend told amber that i'm "dealing" with that "problem" right now too. so amber said that if i need anyone to talk to then she would be there and if i ever wanted to go to meetings with her i would be more then welcome to.
then my mom just stood there and i was thinking "okay, what do you want me to say?" and all i said was "ok" then my mom was like "just so you know" and i was like "whatever, ok." and then she said it. she said something along the lines of:
"You know, you can't keep running from it. You're going to have to face it eventually."
then she started talking about the articles she gave me and she said that i was running from those too. then i said something along the lines of "no. you said that you couldn't force me to read them but you wanted me too." then she asked why i was running. i said something like "i'm not running, mom. i just don't want to read them and i hate reading." then she said "do you want them on tape?" i was thinking 'holy fuck'n balls! that have this shit on tape!' then i said "No mom." then she said "do i have to read them to you." i said "no" and then ignored her.
i was thinking "oh my fuck'n god!!! do you not understand that i am happy for once in my god damn forsaken life? why do you want to destroy the best thing that has ever happened to me?" but of course all i could say was something along the lines of "mom, 'i'm not running from it. i'm just living my life." and then she did her whole thing where she gives me one of her looks, sniffs a little bit as if she is ready to cry, looks at the ground, then says "well......." i was so frustrated. all i could do was turn back around and continue what i was working on with my computer.
i just don't understand why she just can't accept the fact that this is who i am. i never said she had to agree or even like it or support it. i just want her to accept the fact that this is me and to stop trying to change me.
i wish i had the guts to just say to her something like
"Mom. I don't want to read any articles. I don't want to go see and talk to a counselor. I don't want to go to any type of support group. This is who I am. I am in love with a wonderful girl who loves me too. We are so happy together. Stop trying to change me."
but as most things in life, it is easier said then done. sometimes i wish that she would bring it up when i am royally pissed, b/c then i'll be more likely to say something like that to her. oh well, i gues what i'm tryong to say is that i've had a rocky day and i wish people would just let me be happy. let me be me.
She did it again. My mom brought it up again, only this time it was different. and every time i want to just let it out, but i can't, not yet at least. In time it will come...in time.
So i was sitting in my room and my mom comes into my room - which isn't very hard b/c i have no door - and asks if what she is wearing looks okay. She was going/is/went to my dad's work christmas party thing. i told her it looked fine - and t did look fine. Then she noticed my flowers.
She asked me where i got the flowers from and i said "Sara gave them to me." and she did her whole look thing. at that point i knew it was coming. then she told me about a guy at church we knew just got arrested for molestation. apparently he had been going to these support group meetings for people dealing with porn and stuff like that. I don't remember how my mom related that to me, but she kinda did in a way.
Not the molesation, but the support group thing - jeeze you people and your sick minds :) j/k
anyway, i guess this girl, amber, was talking to one of my mom's friends and she (Amber) said that she goes to a support group for people who are dealing with "same sex attractions." and then my mom's friend told amber that i'm "dealing" with that "problem" right now too. so amber said that if i need anyone to talk to then she would be there and if i ever wanted to go to meetings with her i would be more then welcome to.
then my mom just stood there and i was thinking "okay, what do you want me to say?" and all i said was "ok" then my mom was like "just so you know" and i was like "whatever, ok." and then she said it. she said something along the lines of:
"You know, you can't keep running from it. You're going to have to face it eventually."
then she started talking about the articles she gave me and she said that i was running from those too. then i said something along the lines of "no. you said that you couldn't force me to read them but you wanted me too." then she asked why i was running. i said something like "i'm not running, mom. i just don't want to read them and i hate reading." then she said "do you want them on tape?" i was thinking 'holy fuck'n balls! that have this shit on tape!' then i said "No mom." then she said "do i have to read them to you." i said "no" and then ignored her.
i was thinking "oh my fuck'n god!!! do you not understand that i am happy for once in my god damn forsaken life? why do you want to destroy the best thing that has ever happened to me?" but of course all i could say was something along the lines of "mom, 'i'm not running from it. i'm just living my life." and then she did her whole thing where she gives me one of her looks, sniffs a little bit as if she is ready to cry, looks at the ground, then says "well......." i was so frustrated. all i could do was turn back around and continue what i was working on with my computer.
i just don't understand why she just can't accept the fact that this is who i am. i never said she had to agree or even like it or support it. i just want her to accept the fact that this is me and to stop trying to change me.
i wish i had the guts to just say to her something like
"Mom. I don't want to read any articles. I don't want to go see and talk to a counselor. I don't want to go to any type of support group. This is who I am. I am in love with a wonderful girl who loves me too. We are so happy together. Stop trying to change me."
but as most things in life, it is easier said then done. sometimes i wish that she would bring it up when i am royally pissed, b/c then i'll be more likely to say something like that to her. oh well, i gues what i'm tryong to say is that i've had a rocky day and i wish people would just let me be happy. let me be me.