Is it OK to Just Break Down and Cry?
There are times I wonder if there is any reason to life, or if it is all just a cosmic joke perpetrated by some insane author. I think I am real, and not just a character in an adult-oriented karmic-book. But, then again, that IS what I would expect under the circumstances anyway.
There is really little point in going into things, but I guess a summary is in some kind of order.
I had hoped that there would be some way to piece what little was left of my marriage back together. There is no doubt that both of us do care about each other, and, for whatever meaning there be to love, still love each other. But there just doesn't seem to be any way to do it - so much polluted water under the bridge, garbage over the top, fear of death, dying, losing what we have (and that is happening), illness, name it. I never expected to end up without a partner at this stage of my life, but, well - it fits with the black comedy: Win over everything, including a cancer death sentence, and then end up losing almost everything one has. Funny, ha ha, will the author please turn the page and not punish me for living?
We are, at this point, losing our home. OK, it is too big for us in many ways, almost impossible to clean and maintain with the number of, and health of, the people here. Still, it is our HOME. It has our lives in it. It is impossible, yes IMPOSSIBLE, for me to sort it, pack it, move it, find someplace else to live that we can afford and move into - you get the idea. I don't want to abandon 1/2+ of everything we own, but sorting the valuable from the junk is a multi-person, multi-month operation. It took us 6 months to move in, and that was 6 years ago!
Oh, yeah, bankruptcy. No choice whatsoever. Too many bills built up during the time I was sick. I would NEVER be able to pay them off, even if one of those "agencies" could knock it down to 30% of what we owed. Just don't have it. Since 1989, when I became disabled, my total income has gone up under $400/mo -- in 17 years -- the price of gasoline and milk has eaten that up. Oh, and when I lose my house, anything I had in the way of something for the kids' college funds is gone. I have NINE years before my supplementary disability income runs out - and then my total income will be Social Security - if there is such a thing in 2015. Not much of a future there.
The kids - are emotional wrecks. I love them without limit or question; but they are being torn apart by all of this. It can't be hidden, obviously. It can only be "diminished" some, but that's not enough. I have one daughter who wants to go back to regular school this year (she was in an online school last year). I think it's a bad idea - her study skills are nearly non-existant, etc. But, she wants friends - and if she can do that, it will certainly help her. The other one is suddenly willing to do anything to not go back to school because she only has a few friends, and because she is afraid of some of the "cliques" who "hate" her. I understand that, too. If she had said something a month ago, I could have done something about it - but school STARTS the 21st (what a ridiculous time to start school!)
Me? I have been on this roller-coaster ride since March. I am still trying to have my body recover from cancer (which I appear now to be free of) and the treatment thereof. My back is still (and will forever be) messed up and I am still an ID-Diabetic. Add in all the stress and everything... You figure out how I am. Constantly exhausted and sleeping miserably. Looking at a hopeless mess, and getting ready just to pack the few things that matter and walk away from my life. Yeah. Right. Like I could do that.
And that, my dear friends, acquaintances, and enemies, alike is but the tip of the iceburg. Try adding in new laws which actually REQUIRE people who can agree on divorce, custody, etc., to fight it out in the courts - with separate attorneys, court appearances, and name its, until the children are 20! Who can afford that? I don't have the money, neither does Michelle, and the ones who get HURT are the kids!
Oh, and I need new tires for the car I have. And have to fix windows. And it's out of warranty on everything. And the car is worth about $6500 and has $9900 owed on it (oh, wonder of gas prices making a nice car lose half of its value almost overnight).
Why go on? Oh, great author in the sky, is this how you get your yuks and jollies? Where is the quality of life? Why do innocents need to be punished and ruined? Why did you make me live to be forced to watch the only things of value in my life being destroyed and crushed, emotionally and mentally scarred, scared, and turned into scrap?
I have no answers. I have lots of support and little help. I have a mouth and I must scream.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
It doesn't help.
Now what?
I'm tired. I'm always tired. I'm going 95 miles an hour and going nowhere. Oh, look, there's a mountain up ahead. Big, wide, coming up fast. Gee... I hope it's friendly.
There is really little point in going into things, but I guess a summary is in some kind of order.
I had hoped that there would be some way to piece what little was left of my marriage back together. There is no doubt that both of us do care about each other, and, for whatever meaning there be to love, still love each other. But there just doesn't seem to be any way to do it - so much polluted water under the bridge, garbage over the top, fear of death, dying, losing what we have (and that is happening), illness, name it. I never expected to end up without a partner at this stage of my life, but, well - it fits with the black comedy: Win over everything, including a cancer death sentence, and then end up losing almost everything one has. Funny, ha ha, will the author please turn the page and not punish me for living?
We are, at this point, losing our home. OK, it is too big for us in many ways, almost impossible to clean and maintain with the number of, and health of, the people here. Still, it is our HOME. It has our lives in it. It is impossible, yes IMPOSSIBLE, for me to sort it, pack it, move it, find someplace else to live that we can afford and move into - you get the idea. I don't want to abandon 1/2+ of everything we own, but sorting the valuable from the junk is a multi-person, multi-month operation. It took us 6 months to move in, and that was 6 years ago!
Oh, yeah, bankruptcy. No choice whatsoever. Too many bills built up during the time I was sick. I would NEVER be able to pay them off, even if one of those "agencies" could knock it down to 30% of what we owed. Just don't have it. Since 1989, when I became disabled, my total income has gone up under $400/mo -- in 17 years -- the price of gasoline and milk has eaten that up. Oh, and when I lose my house, anything I had in the way of something for the kids' college funds is gone. I have NINE years before my supplementary disability income runs out - and then my total income will be Social Security - if there is such a thing in 2015. Not much of a future there.
The kids - are emotional wrecks. I love them without limit or question; but they are being torn apart by all of this. It can't be hidden, obviously. It can only be "diminished" some, but that's not enough. I have one daughter who wants to go back to regular school this year (she was in an online school last year). I think it's a bad idea - her study skills are nearly non-existant, etc. But, she wants friends - and if she can do that, it will certainly help her. The other one is suddenly willing to do anything to not go back to school because she only has a few friends, and because she is afraid of some of the "cliques" who "hate" her. I understand that, too. If she had said something a month ago, I could have done something about it - but school STARTS the 21st (what a ridiculous time to start school!)
Me? I have been on this roller-coaster ride since March. I am still trying to have my body recover from cancer (which I appear now to be free of) and the treatment thereof. My back is still (and will forever be) messed up and I am still an ID-Diabetic. Add in all the stress and everything... You figure out how I am. Constantly exhausted and sleeping miserably. Looking at a hopeless mess, and getting ready just to pack the few things that matter and walk away from my life. Yeah. Right. Like I could do that.
And that, my dear friends, acquaintances, and enemies, alike is but the tip of the iceburg. Try adding in new laws which actually REQUIRE people who can agree on divorce, custody, etc., to fight it out in the courts - with separate attorneys, court appearances, and name its, until the children are 20! Who can afford that? I don't have the money, neither does Michelle, and the ones who get HURT are the kids!
Oh, and I need new tires for the car I have. And have to fix windows. And it's out of warranty on everything. And the car is worth about $6500 and has $9900 owed on it (oh, wonder of gas prices making a nice car lose half of its value almost overnight).
Why go on? Oh, great author in the sky, is this how you get your yuks and jollies? Where is the quality of life? Why do innocents need to be punished and ruined? Why did you make me live to be forced to watch the only things of value in my life being destroyed and crushed, emotionally and mentally scarred, scared, and turned into scrap?
I have no answers. I have lots of support and little help. I have a mouth and I must scream.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
It doesn't help.
Now what?
I'm tired. I'm always tired. I'm going 95 miles an hour and going nowhere. Oh, look, there's a mountain up ahead. Big, wide, coming up fast. Gee... I hope it's friendly.