Affairs of the Heart
Every now and then I am forced into taking actions, and generating responses, that cause me grief, pain, and deep emotional, intellectual, and psychological loss.
Like most people, I try to avoid these situations whenever possible - to put it bluntly: unless one is an avowed masochist, they are just no fun whatsoever. I realize that, much as I ( Read more... )
Like most people, I try to avoid these situations whenever possible - to put it bluntly: unless one is an avowed masochist, they are just no fun whatsoever. I realize that, much as I ( Read more... )
That only works at times. When another's feelings are valid, and I am - at least partially - the cause of those feelings, I find it impossible to not take some (to me) legitimate responsibility.
Lo siento. It means, "I feel"
It IS a much better phrase. I'm becoming more of a fan of "SpanGlish" (aka Heinlein's Galactic) because of the ability to use words and such with expanded meanings... and to have them understood for what they are.
Thank you for reminding me of this one.
I am slowly learning that I must be happy and satisfied in myself before I can be happy in the company of others
That, for me, is the interesting part. I CAN be happy in the company of others, and have been. The reprieve from my meeting with "dEATH" has changed me, in many ways, some of which I don't even pretend to understand.
My problem is somewhat different. I used to be quite (not happy, but) content to be with myself, and - if others were available - in the company of others. C++Bear dragged me, kicking, screaming, fighting, protesting and arguing out of that mode and into a mode where I allowed my emotions and feelings to actually be part of my life. I found love - real, honest, true love - and found that I liked it, and began to not only want it, but need it.
I have been a "married" man - in most ways - since 1973.
Between two wives, one of whom I still, at this very nanosecond, adore and would do almost anything for, I have been changed. Yeah, the divorce from my first wife hurt - partially it was just the concept of Divorce=Failure. I had failed at being a good enough husband to overcome the problems. It was subconcious in many ways because I knew the failure really wasn't significantly mine... But, there's no such thing as "no fault." I didn't miss her, still don't. This is different.
You are valuable in and of yourself. Please know that.
Logically and rationally I know and understand that. Emotions are a sonuvabitch.
There are people who would miss you, were you to go. Please don't let one person destroy your will to live.
Thank you. I still have a will to live - that is the point. No one could give that to me, and no matter how much she helped (and she **DID** help - without her I would not have made it this far!) if I didn't really WANT to live, I would not have.
The difference in this part is not that I wanted to die, but I was no longer afraid to die. I was prepared for it, maybe even resigned to it. The LAST thing I wanted to do was to pull my family and friends down with me. STOOPID ME! I COULD NOT see that those who cared could also care for themselves. By pushing away and "protecting" people from me, I hurt the ones I most wanted to avoid hurting.
What I am finding right now, though, is that I don't know if I want to have the will to "love". DAMMIT! Love hurts! It's like drugs - it makes you stupid. It warps your perceptions. I have reasons, many, to live but I don't want to try and jumpstart my life; I don't want to deal with the pain any more. I truly understand why the suicide rate in cancer survivors is highest (significantly) in the first 6-9 months after "remission" or "cure."
You can love yourself, just as you are.
Yes. But why? How can I love someone who, meaning to or not, destroys those things that mean most to him? It's a rhetorical question.
These days, the tag line "Doleo Ergo Sum" seems to fit.
Reply
Leave a comment