those of us who care about and for you will suffer all the more.
Mayhaps. But then the suffering will be over, you can go on with your lives, and no one need worry. It would be less painful than having been told "Well, we tried... we could try again, but in reality you have..."
But, that isn't what happened. Being RESIGNED to death, I could have accepted that. I DID NOT (and DO NOT) *WANT* to die, and I DID fight this betrayal of my body. Somehow it seems that-at least for now-I have won.
Now the hardest part is to turn around that "acceptance" (or at least turn it into acceptance of NOT going to die) and take all the "mizteakz" I have made, & the things I have done to "protect" everyone "from me", and do my best to not only fix them (if it is possible), but to ACTIVELY and WHOLEHEARTEDLY **LIVE**
Typo about the Tasks of Hercules!
You didn't "requisition" the cancer. You need to cancel the ticket for the guilt trip
I know that. Mitigating circumstances change Murder to Manslaughter. They do not bring the person/relationships/friendships back to life. Oh that they COULD. They don't prevent or even palliate future errors or omissions, even those done/said in exhaustion and without spite.
You can not blame the person who is pushed off a cliff and survives for not wanting to go back or anywhere near the person who did the pushing, no matter if the push was meant or accidental. That's just reality sneaking its lousy presence into life.
You did the best you could with the strength and energy you had available
OK. I thought I was doing well and right, doing what I HAD to do. In SOME ways, I was. That doesn't CHANGE all the things I did badly, wrong, and for no real reason.
Like getting slapped in the face with a week old carp, having 5+ years of deterioration and downslide not only explained, but probably turned around to a great extent, stinks to the higher circles of Hell. I need that breath of fresh air-for sure! But there is nothing that will explain away the damage done in the funk, misery, pain, depression, etc. It can "soften the blow", but I don't have enough Magic to just "make it all OK for everyone." Worse, I can't even be sure that this will last (NOTHING is the only sure thing in Life-other than birth and death, of course) or that something else won't hit me in 6 months, a year, 5 years, or until the day I die. Everyone, legitimately, has a breaking point, and life just doesn't have an "ESC" key, "Restart" function, or even 1 of Staples' "Easy" buttons. You can't take back a bullet. None of us can. If we're REALLY lucky, though, the gun won't fire.
Dammit, you ARE a part of our lives. One of the good parts. Cancer, diabetes, bad back, ... all of it
Thank you. I can't say that often enough, nearly enough or sincerely enough. Really. Do remember, though, that you are fortunate enough to not have to live with me. It ain't easy-I have always known that. I'm a pack-rat clutterer, who gets so lost in his own thoughts at times (well, I did) that I forget there is anyone else around or anything to do. IAmCompuBear used to joke that I wore a watch with a calendar so I would know how many days late I was for dinner. The problem? It often wasn't a joke. Oh, I don't MEAN to hurt anyone by it... and parts of it are so much a part of me that I couldn't change them if I wanted to do so - and though I would like to modify some of it, it's still going to be there under the surface. I don't mean to be mean, but I manage to do that, too.
Yeah, some of it is protection - or attempting protection. Hell, a lot of it is that. But INTENTION doesn't make it any less painful to me that I do it/have done it. And it doesn't make it any less painful to those around me that I have hurt, let down, dismayed, or damaged because of it. It CAN make it possible to UNDERSTAND it - How, why, when, and all that - and possible to forgive and live with. But it does not ameliorate the pain and hurt.
We believe you may be putting excess debits against some of those "facts."
Given. But you are also not aware of many of the debits. They can cancel each other out.
Mayhaps. But then the suffering will be over, you can go on with your lives, and no one need worry. It would be less painful than having been told "Well, we tried... we could try again, but in reality you have..."
But, that isn't what happened. Being RESIGNED to death, I could have accepted that. I DID NOT (and DO NOT) *WANT* to die, and I DID fight this betrayal of my body. Somehow it seems that-at least for now-I have won.
Now the hardest part is to turn around that "acceptance" (or at least turn it into acceptance of NOT going to die) and take all the "mizteakz" I have made, & the things I have done to "protect" everyone "from me", and do my best to not only fix them (if it is possible), but to ACTIVELY and WHOLEHEARTEDLY **LIVE**
Typo about the Tasks of Hercules!
You didn't "requisition" the cancer. You need to cancel the ticket for the guilt trip
I know that. Mitigating circumstances change Murder to Manslaughter. They do not bring the person/relationships/friendships back to life. Oh that they COULD. They don't prevent or even palliate future errors or omissions, even those done/said in exhaustion and without spite.
You can not blame the person who is pushed off a cliff and survives for not wanting to go back or anywhere near the person who did the pushing, no matter if the push was meant or accidental. That's just reality sneaking its lousy presence into life.
You did the best you could with the strength and energy you had available
OK. I thought I was doing well and right, doing what I HAD to do.
In SOME ways, I was. That doesn't CHANGE all the things I did badly, wrong, and for no real reason.
Like getting slapped in the face with a week old carp, having 5+ years of deterioration and downslide not only explained, but probably turned around to a great extent, stinks to the higher circles of Hell. I need that breath of fresh air-for sure! But there is nothing that will explain away the damage done in the funk, misery, pain, depression, etc. It can "soften the blow", but I don't have enough Magic to just "make it all OK for everyone."
Worse, I can't even be sure that this will last (NOTHING is the only sure thing in Life-other than birth and death, of course) or that something else won't hit me in 6 months, a year, 5 years, or until the day I die. Everyone, legitimately, has a breaking point, and life just doesn't have an "ESC" key, "Restart" function, or even 1 of Staples' "Easy" buttons. You can't take back a bullet. None of us can. If we're REALLY lucky, though, the gun won't fire.
Dammit, you ARE a part of our lives. One of the good parts. Cancer, diabetes, bad back, ... all of it
Thank you. I can't say that often enough, nearly enough or sincerely enough. Really. Do remember, though, that you are fortunate enough to not have to live with me. It ain't easy-I have always known that. I'm a pack-rat clutterer, who gets so lost in his own thoughts at times (well, I did) that I forget there is anyone else around or anything to do.
IAmCompuBear used to joke that I wore a watch with a calendar so I would know how many days late I was for dinner. The problem? It often wasn't a joke.
Oh, I don't MEAN to hurt anyone by it... and parts of it are so much a part of me that I couldn't change them if I wanted to do so - and though I would like to modify some of it, it's still going to be there under the surface. I don't mean to be mean, but I manage to do that, too.
Yeah, some of it is protection - or attempting protection. Hell, a lot of it is that. But INTENTION doesn't make it any less painful to me that I do it/have done it. And it doesn't make it any less painful to those around me that I have hurt, let down, dismayed, or damaged because of it.
It CAN make it possible to UNDERSTAND it - How, why, when, and all that - and possible to forgive and live with. But it does not ameliorate the pain and hurt.
We believe you may be putting excess debits against some of those "facts."
Given. But you are also not aware of many of the debits. They can cancel each other out.
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