an old archived, completely bs'd article andrew simmons wrote in 9th grade for the cult website
'Bike Helmet Lady' Hits Dog
Woman known to drive with bike helmet
by Andrew Simmons
I Have Rights
02.25.02
On the afternoon of February 25, on the 9700 block of Commonwealth Blvd, a driver hit the dog of a person living on the block.
The woman, driving a red Ford Escort, hit the dog at about 35 mph.
Incidentally, this woman is known throughout the locale as "the lady who drives with a bike helmet." While her exact place of residence is not known, it is assumed she lives in the Kings Park West neighborhood, and is known never to drive without first putting on a bicycle helmet.
According to various witnesses, she braked before hitting the dog, trying to avoid an accident. However, after the dog was hit with a muffled thud, she drove around the dog's body and sped off. The dog, of mixed breed, and being fairly large and estimated by witnesses to weigh between 90 and 110 lbs. and standing about 25 inches at the shoulder, seemed shocked but unhurt.
The dog belonged to a Philipino family who recently immigrated to the area. Therefore, while available for comment, they could not speak the English language or anything close to it. Through nods and gestures, they were able, however, to communicate that they would keep their eye on the dog to see if it suffered any sort of internal injury. The patriarch of the family, a withered old man who looks anywhere between 60 and 180, and has been seen walking as far away as Chantilly and eastern Alexandria, confirmed that the dog had no broken bones. No explanation is offered as to how a dog, hit by a car going 35 mph, is able to suffer no injuries.
"Perhaps," said a relative of the Philipinos translating for the old man later on, "he magic."
Woman known to drive with bike helmet
by Andrew Simmons
I Have Rights
02.25.02
On the afternoon of February 25, on the 9700 block of Commonwealth Blvd, a driver hit the dog of a person living on the block.
The woman, driving a red Ford Escort, hit the dog at about 35 mph.
Incidentally, this woman is known throughout the locale as "the lady who drives with a bike helmet." While her exact place of residence is not known, it is assumed she lives in the Kings Park West neighborhood, and is known never to drive without first putting on a bicycle helmet.
According to various witnesses, she braked before hitting the dog, trying to avoid an accident. However, after the dog was hit with a muffled thud, she drove around the dog's body and sped off. The dog, of mixed breed, and being fairly large and estimated by witnesses to weigh between 90 and 110 lbs. and standing about 25 inches at the shoulder, seemed shocked but unhurt.
The dog belonged to a Philipino family who recently immigrated to the area. Therefore, while available for comment, they could not speak the English language or anything close to it. Through nods and gestures, they were able, however, to communicate that they would keep their eye on the dog to see if it suffered any sort of internal injury. The patriarch of the family, a withered old man who looks anywhere between 60 and 180, and has been seen walking as far away as Chantilly and eastern Alexandria, confirmed that the dog had no broken bones. No explanation is offered as to how a dog, hit by a car going 35 mph, is able to suffer no injuries.
"Perhaps," said a relative of the Philipinos translating for the old man later on, "he magic."