(no subject)
I have continuously tried to think of something valid to say about my life, or anyone's life on this godforsaken thing.
I suppose I really am averse to the internet in some subconscious way - I love the idea of being able to be "heard" in some sense, no matter who you are. But then I wonder, given the time to carefully think out what you want to be heard, everything becomes convoluted and bent out of whack and beat into shit.
There's nothing that can be done about it, realistically speaking. This past weekend has left me more than a little hazy about more than one aspect of my life, but I'm encouraged in a lot of ways...I got to see some people I don't usually see and spend time with them, I had a few conversations which, although blurred with whiskey, had some kind of lasting effect on me. It was...
...hm. I don't know. I can't pretend I feel good about it. Those are the kinds of days I love, though. I barely got any sleep the entire weekend, and I truthfully enjoy stumbling around and feeling a wreck after several consecutive nights like that. It's what being young is for. But at the same time, it reinforced this eerie feeling that's been growing in me for several weeks. It's that there's something here that keeps breaking my spirit and will continue to do so until I work out whatever's eating at me.
The truth is I haven't really figured out what that is. There are personality flaws of mine - but I'm young yet, and those are kinks I expect will work themselves out (or fester and become complexes bordering on mental illness.) There is an element of loneliness, but I think I've actually become someone possessive of that, as it's something I can at least claim to recognize. There is, I suppose, a sense that I'm being too sedentary, and that I'm not attempting to travel in enough new directions. I'm not forcing it.
Should I be?
Are you?
And more importantly, do you care? Should I care? I don't really know. I feel as though I do a fair amount of interesting stuff and it all moves me, but doesn't bring about enough of a difference in me. I'm receptive, and there is a catalyst for revelation, but there seems to be somethin blocking it.
This isn't making me feel any better and I'm lying because I know several of the things getting me down. Whatawaste. I'll return maybe later when I'm feeling more honest.
I suppose I really am averse to the internet in some subconscious way - I love the idea of being able to be "heard" in some sense, no matter who you are. But then I wonder, given the time to carefully think out what you want to be heard, everything becomes convoluted and bent out of whack and beat into shit.
There's nothing that can be done about it, realistically speaking. This past weekend has left me more than a little hazy about more than one aspect of my life, but I'm encouraged in a lot of ways...I got to see some people I don't usually see and spend time with them, I had a few conversations which, although blurred with whiskey, had some kind of lasting effect on me. It was...
...hm. I don't know. I can't pretend I feel good about it. Those are the kinds of days I love, though. I barely got any sleep the entire weekend, and I truthfully enjoy stumbling around and feeling a wreck after several consecutive nights like that. It's what being young is for. But at the same time, it reinforced this eerie feeling that's been growing in me for several weeks. It's that there's something here that keeps breaking my spirit and will continue to do so until I work out whatever's eating at me.
The truth is I haven't really figured out what that is. There are personality flaws of mine - but I'm young yet, and those are kinks I expect will work themselves out (or fester and become complexes bordering on mental illness.) There is an element of loneliness, but I think I've actually become someone possessive of that, as it's something I can at least claim to recognize. There is, I suppose, a sense that I'm being too sedentary, and that I'm not attempting to travel in enough new directions. I'm not forcing it.
Should I be?
Are you?
And more importantly, do you care? Should I care? I don't really know. I feel as though I do a fair amount of interesting stuff and it all moves me, but doesn't bring about enough of a difference in me. I'm receptive, and there is a catalyst for revelation, but there seems to be somethin blocking it.
This isn't making me feel any better and I'm lying because I know several of the things getting me down. Whatawaste. I'll return maybe later when I'm feeling more honest.