I really love... shooting things.
Aaaand part 2. Damn, but this fic was a killer. I didn't even get to the random blizzard in the middle of spring, or the big meeting of all the villains to deal with some made-up magical crap, or Steph burning down a movie theatre with Freakazoid and the Sue inside. Or the Sue reacting to second-degree burns all over her arms and losing vision in one eye with, basically 'Damn, that sucks. Oh well, I can wear cool eyepatches, lololol!"
...guys, I hate badfic. I really do.
Anyway.
Day 1 here.
Title: Not Such A Freakalicious Time, Day 2
Fandom: Freakazoid / Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Summary: Of busted ships and Pinnacle chips, fangirl-flailing and villainous plots, anachronisms, extra OCs, and a really stupid Sue. What are two agents stuck in a Freakazoid badfic to do? (Hint: the answer involves shooting things.)
Disclaimer: I am responsible for neither Freakazoid (more's the pity) or the fic, 'A Freakalicious Time' (thank god). This is a work of fiction, intended for comedy, et cetera et cetera. Troll not, ye masses.
Rating/Warnings: Eh, this one's pretty PG. Fictional swearing and badfic-logic, but nothing worse.
Rez woke up to a crash and a maniacal “a-ha!” She groaned, rolled out of her bunk, and stuck her head out blearily into the pod cabin.
Flip had the top of the main console off, with wires and parts- and empty soda cans- strewn all around her on the floor. Next to her, Deirdre was perched on the console, with a laser soldering tool extended on an arm.
“Okay, Deirdre,” she said, holding out a hand dramatically, “give me… the chip.”
Rez sighed. “What in the name of Blind Io’s footie pajamas are you doing?”
Flip jumped, and a spark leapt between the console and the chip she was about to put into place. She yelped and dropped it. “Zark, Rez,” she said, shaking out her hand, “don’t you know not to interrupt a Moment of Dramatic Triumph when you see one?”
“Not when it wakes me up, I don’t.” She lifted an eyebrow. “My question stands.”
“I was fixing,” Flip said, peering around in the inner workings of the console, “the ship. Until you made me drop the critical component. Where did it- aha, there you are!”
“Flip.”
“Yes?”
“Is that a Pinnacle chip?”
“…Maybe?”
“Put it down, Flip.”
“I was just going to put it in the ship!” Flip protested. “I wasn’t going to do anything with it, sheesh. No, listen,” she said, seeing Rez’s expression, “the problem with Julia is that the externals are overloading the guidance systems, right? So if I put this into the central processor, it should expand the whole ship’s running capacity and we’ll be fine.”
“And there’s definitely not, say, a flaw code written down somewhere around here.”
“I do not have any code, cross my heart and hope to… explode.”
“Huh.” Rez considered. “Okay, keep an eye on her, Deirdre. I’m going to get dressed and go get some breakfast.”
Breakfast was donuts and a thing of orange juice, rogued from the nearest convenience store. “That’s it?” Flip said, when Rez dropped down through the top hatch with them. Due to the logistics of the dumpster disguise, it was easier to go that way than to look for the hatch stairs.
“Well, I’m not as good at this as you are,” said Rez. “Never thought I’d say it, but I miss the HQ cafeteria.”
“Hmm,” Flip said noncommittally. She finished putting the top back on the console and reached for a donut. Before she could get to it, though, she was overtaken by a massive yawn.
Rez blinked. “Did you sleep at all?”
“Nuh,” said Flip. She yawned again.
“Oh, for zark’s sake,” Rez sighed. “Go get some sleep, I’ll take the first scene and wake you up for the breakup at lunch.”
“But donuts,” Flip said indistinctly.
“I’ll save you some. Go! Sleep!”
---
Sitting in the back of the classroom, Rez was less glad she’d come by herself. She had no one to make snarky comments to while watching Onyx attack one of the bullies with pure cinnamon oil, and then distribute candy canes to the entire class while enforcing ‘manners.’ Despite the fact that it was, according to the fic, spring.
Rez contented herself with making annoyed notes in the margins of the charge list, then stealing a candy cane while Onyx wasn’t looking. When the bell rang, she beat feet as fast as possible.
While she waited for Flip to wake up- or for it to be a reasonable time to wake her up, whichever came first- she tested the pod’s systems. Everything seemed to be in decent working order, minus the blown-out power cells. No trace of any Pinnacle-chip-related shenanigans. She blinked. Flip had actually done it.
She was about to stick her head back into the sleeping quarters when Flip emerged, looking pained. “The scene dividers have unrelated text in them now,” she said. “I heard it.”
“Do they?” said Rez. “I’ll take your word for it.” She dug out the charge list and made a note, while Flip popped another painkiller. “Okay, ready to go watch Freakazoid get slapped into a tree?”
Flip made a half-hearted attempt at a glare. “That really doesn’t help.”
“Sorry. An agent’s gotta do, et cetera.”
“Yeah, yeah, don’t remind me.”
They found Steph a minute before Freakazoid did, ‘sitting under a tree on the school lawn, near the tennis courts.’ “I don’t remember the school having a lawn,” Rez muttered. “Or tennis courts.”
Freakazoid appeared from around a corner- somehow, there were corners outside- and came over to Steph’s tree. Flip made a quiet, high-pitched noise.
“You’re squeeing, Flip,” said Rez.
“And I don’t care who knows it,” Flip said, beaming. She couldn’t keep from bouncing up and down a little, either. “It’s Freakazoid!”
Rez sighed. “Eyes on the work, Flip. If I know badfic, this isn’t going to go well.”
“Hi Freak, what did you want to talk to me about?” Steph asked. She smiled. They could almost see Freakazoid lose his nerve. Flip wrung her hands, her eyes wide and worried.
But Freakazoid pulled it together, with encouragement from Dexter-in-his-head, and took a deep breath. “I'mscaredtodothis butDexsaysIneedto soI'mdumpingyou and pleasedon'thurtme!”
Steph frowned and asked him to repeat himself. He did, more slowly. There was a lengthy pause.
Then she delivered a mighty slap, sending him ‘face-first right into the tree.’ Flip jumped to her feet. Rez hauled her back down. “Stay out of sight!” she hissed.
Steph screamed something at Freakazoid- the fic didn’t specificy what, so it came out as a wordless shriek- and ran off.
“No, hell with that,” Flip said, shrugging free of her partner’s hold. “Somebody’s got to explain things to her.” Before Rez could grab her again, she took off after Steph.
Rez made to go after her, but Sue-voices sounded, looking for Dexter. She was forced to dive behind a tree again and watch as Onyx and Ruby debated whether, judging by the handprint left on his face, Freakazoid had been pimp-slapped or bitch-slapped. The three of them made inane conversation for the rest of the lunch period. As soon as they had left, Rez trudged back around the school to the disguised pod.
Deirde scooted over as soon as she dropped down into the cabin, making concerned little whirring sounds. “No, I’m okay, Deirdre,” she said. “I just hate badfic. Can you get me the Words, please?”
She was stretched out on the floor of the pod, eating a leftover donut and scanning the Words, when Flip appeared in the top hatch. Rez rolled out of the way so she could drop down. She looked even more subdued than Rez felt.
“I feel terrible,” she announced. “I think this fic is getting to me. We’re so far away from canon we might as well be in an AU-” she paused, and made a face- “plus, I keep getting that thing where I feel like I’m about to sneeze but then I don’t.”
Rez blinked. “Does that have to do with the fic?”
“No idea.”
“Well, anyway, look,” said Rez, shaking her head. “It’s been six chapters, and it’s another two or three before we even get to the plot. We’ve got a crapton of charges already. What say we kill this thing early?”
Flip’s eyes lit up. “Can we?”
“No reason why not,” Rez said. “The Lobe’s going to try to recruit the Sue tonight, on the roof of the school. We can get her then.”
“What about the rest of the OCs? Ruby, and the relatives?”
Rez grinned. “We’ve got all afternoon,” she said, “ and the Sue will be distracted studying and one-upping Duncan. Plenty of time for a killing spree.”
---
They intercepted Ruby after school, when she split up from Dexter and Onyx. A pulse pistol shot- they’d decided finding a freeze ray was too much effort after all- took care of her in fairly short order, and a tiny bit of canon returned. “I feel better already,” said Flip, as the body faded from existence.
“Uh oh,” Rez said, nudging her partner and pointing across the street, “Lobe alert.”
“Nutbunnies,” said Flip. “I think we’re going to need him on our side when we go after Onyx. Quick, go catch him, I’ll mop up the OC teachers and we’ll meet back here.”
“Aye aye,” said Rez. She tossed the pulse pistol to her partner and took off across the street. Flip recharged the pistol and grinned, heading into the school. It felt so good to be doing something.
When she emerged again, Rez was just coming back across the street, dusting her hands together. “Lobe officially convinced,” she reported. “Easy-peasy.”
“OC teachers dead,” Flip replied, tossing the pistol back. “Who’s next on the itinerary?”
“That’d be Clera and- oh, wait, crap.”
“What?” said Flip, blinking. “Why crap?”
“She’s stupid pregnant, isn’t she? We can’t kill a pregnant chick, that is totally not radical.”
Flip shrugged. “So we just get the fetus extraction thingy- oh, no, wait. Zark.”
“You see the dilemma,” said Rez.
“I do.” Flip considered. “Gah, I guess we have to let her live. Maybe she’ll integrate into canon.” She tried to look optimistic, but the expression came out looking more like unsure.
“Well, look on the bright side,” Rez said, gesturing up at the sky. “The clouds are clearing up. No out-of-season blizzard for us!”
“Wait, seriously? A blizzard in the middle of spring? In DC?” Flip shuddered. “Sheesh, no wonder I was feeling like death.” She shook herself out of it. “Oh, well, places to go, people to shoot. Can we kill Taylor at least?”
“But of course. Then we should probably get this Lode Stone off the villains, whatever it is.”
“Lode Stone? Like, a naturally magnetized piece of magnetite?”
“Search me. It’s something magical.”
“Hey, maybe we can put it in the ship to-”
“No.”
“But maybe it-”
“No.”
---
Inside the pod, a red light on the console flicked on. There was an incoming communication.
Deirdre scooted around in a worried little circle. The message was coming in on a secure channel, and one he didn’t recognize. And the agents were nowhere around to tell him what to do with it. He circled the other way, then plugged into the communications link. Better take a message.
---
Dusk was falling over the city by the time the agents returned. It had taken longer than they expected to retrieve the Lode Stone- partially because Rez had gotten sidetracked talking to the Lobe about the role of a good nemesis. “I can’t imagine what came over me,” the villain was saying, when Flip found them again. “I don’t really want to defeat Freakazoid, not for good. I’d have nothing to do! Oh, what a fool I’ve been!” Rez patted him comfortingly on the shoulder, listening intently. Flip rolled her eyes and dragged her partner away.
They deposited the Lode Stone- it didn’t look like a magical artifact, just a bit of peacock copper- inside the pod. “I wish we had a containment bag for this,” Rez said. “Deirdre, can you keep an eye on it?”
Deirdre flipped open a compartment on his back. Both agents blinked at it. Rez shrugged, and dropped the purple-and-blue stone into it. It clicked shut again.
“Have I mentioned I love DRDs?” said Flip.
Deirdre whirred, blinking his eyestalk-antennae like an answering machine light. “Oops,” said Rez. Flip was already halfway out the top hatch. “Can it wait? We’ve got to get into position before Dexter and the Sue show up.” Deirdre appeared to consider, then nodded his antennae.
They positioned themselves on the roof of the school, looking out at the lights of DC around them. From this high up- the fic seemed to think it was a vantage point for the whole city- they could see the Capitol building, the Washington Monument with its red light on top, the glimmery reflection in the Potomac of planes taking off from the airport.
“You used to live here, didn’t you?” said Flip. “Back in the real world?”
“Yeah.” Rez blew out a sigh. “Man, of all the places I never thought I’d be again.”
“You ever miss it?”
“Not so’s you’d notice.” She shrugged, but there was something a little sad in her face. Maybe. It was hard to tell in the dark.
There was a bit of a pause. “What was it like?” Flip said quietly.
“Normal,” said Rez. “Come on, I hear the Sue.”
They peered over the edge of the building to see Dexter climbing onto what he thought was a dumpster, to get to the fire escape. “That’s my ship!” Rez gasped. “Stop climbing on my ship, you little jerk!”
“Chill,” said Flip, pulling her back from the edge. “He doesn’t know.”
“Hmph,” said Rez, but she shut up.
Onyx, meanwhile, displayed some previously-unmentioned talent for free-running by scaling the side of the building. Flip glared. “Pretty sure that’s not how free-running works, you twerp,” she muttered. “I hope your stupid hair gets caught in a drainpipe.”
“Now now,” said Rez, “then she’d never make it up here where we can kill her. Chill.”
“Hmph,” Flip said.
They ducked behind a chimney as Onyx reached the top of the building. A few moments later, Dexter followed her, and they wandered to the other side of the roof.
“Plan on doing that often?” he asked her.
“Not unless it’s required.” Flip rolled her eyes. Apparently showing off was a requirement. They snuck out from behind the chimney, taking positions that would cut the Sue off from any escape route.
Oblivious, Onyx skipped the rest of the way over to Dexter. “I do get around faster though, I'm sure you've noticed.”
“Oh, I'm sure we've all noticed that, deary,” Rez said, in her best Lobe impression. “Too bad you won't be able to use it right now.”
Dexter and Onyx ‘spun around where they stood.’ The Sue gaped. “You- you’re not-“
Rez grinned, pointing her pulse pistol at the Sue. “You were expecting a giant brain, maybe? Too bad. Fun time’s over, Onyx.”
Flip stepped out of the shadows, grabbing Dexter before he could do anything. “We’re not here to hurt you,” she said, quietly enough that only he could hear, “but we know you’ve got Freakazoid in there.” She knocked lightly on his head. “Try to fre- to bring him out and I promise you, I will not be responsible for my actions.” Dexter gulped and held still.
“How do you know my name?” the Sue gasped, meanwhile. Rez gave her her best attempt at an enigmatic smile.
“Oh, we know lots of things,” she said calmly. “We know about your powers,” she lied, “and your family, and all about what you’ve been up to with Dexter here. And we know you’re not getting off this roof alive.”
“This is all wrong,” said Onyx. “You’re not supposed to-”
Rez rolled her eyes and shot her in the leg. The Sue went down. Dexter shouted, but thanks to Flip he stayed where he was. “Now shut up and listen,” Rez said, pulling out the charge list. “Sheesh. Some people.”
“Onyx Analya, alias Mary Sue,” she read, “you are charged with the following crimes against canon. Having stupid hair, a stupid name, and stupid badly-defined powers, anachronistic technology, anachronistic references, malicious formatting, negligent grammar, awkward capitalization, terrible pacing, overdescription, underreaction, misspelling important plot points, spelling ‘monologue’ without the ‘ue,’ writing in leet-speak, having no grasp of basic color theory, geography, or common frelling sense, aberrational weather patterns, time conflation, seasonal confusion, inventing nonsensical magical artifacts, breaking up a canon couple, conspiracy to arson, imposing ridiculous stereotypes on the whole of Harry Connick High School, mischaracterization and abuse of basically everybody but most noticeably Dexter Douglas, Freakazoid, and the Lobe, inserting yourself, your friends, and- we suspect- your whole school into canon, and making us spend two days climbing in and out of a dumpster.”
“And giving me zarking awful headaches,” Flip added.
“And giving Flip headaches,” said Rez. “We find you guilty of all charges and sentence you to immediate death. The rules, which you’re lucky we’re still following at all, say you get last words.”
“Close your eyes, Dexter,” said the Sue. She managed to get to her feet, somehow, stiffly supporting herself on her good leg, and raised a hand. Around them, the agents could feel a terrible, dark power start to rise.
Rez sighed and shot her in the head. The power drained from the air. “Those were terrible last words,” she said, shaking her head.
Flip let Dexter go. He started toward Rez, but he stopped and blinked as the return of canon overtook him. “What was that?” he said, looking back at where Onyx’s body was fading from existence.
“Mary Sue,” said Flip. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
“I don’t think I want to,” Dexter said, dubiously. “But thanks, I guess.” A sudden look of horror came over his face, as something occurred to him. “Oh, no- Steph! Freak out!”
There was a whirl of color, and then it was Freakazoid standing there grinning at them. Flip bit her lip, attempting to keep herself contained.
“I owe you one, random people I’ve never met before,” he declared. “Maybe go-karts sometime. Call me.” He put his arms over his head, striking a pose. “Freakazoid, away! Whoosh!” And he zapped away in a bolt of lightning, arcing out over the city.
Flip sighed, leaning on the edge of the roof. “Can we stay here?” she said dreamily.
“You’re such a fangirl,” said Rez. “Okay, maybe. For a bit. We’ve got to finish sorting Julia out, anyway.”
“Yay!” Flip surprise-hugged her partner and bounded down the fire escape, humming a familiar theme song. Rez followed, smiling a bit in spite of herself.
Back inside the pod, Deirdre was still blinking his answering-machine lights. “Okay, hit us with it,” said Rez.
Deirdre projected a holo-screen, with words scrolling across it. The voice that accompanied them sounded pre-recorded- it was flat and unfamiliar, but there was some weird harmonic in it that they thought they recognized.
“Agents Rez Montrose and Flip Finley,” it said, “your location is known to the Department of Personnel as of February 20, 2011, standard Earth time. If you are in a distress situation, respond to this message and backup will be sent to you. Otherwise, return to PPC Headquarters immediately, or you will be registered as rogue agents and your case will be turned over to the Department of Internal Affairs. Message repeats. Agents Rez Montrose and Flip Finley-”
Rez gestured at Deirdre to shut it off. She had gone even paler than usual with rage. “That bastard Scorpius,” she shouted, thumping the console, “we helped him and he sold us out! I can’t believe it!”
“Really?” said Flip.
“Okay, yeah, I can believe it,” Rez said, deflating. “Totally in-character. But I’m not going back,” she said, “I’m not!”
Flip frowned, as if it- and the thought it accompanied- took considerable effort. “Maybe,” she said slowly, “it wouldn’t be so bad if-”
“Do you remember Subjugation, Flip? Do you?” Rez paced around the cabin, eyes frantic. “We cannot go back there. It’s a lifetime of insanity and we will never escape again.”
“But I’m just saying,” said Flip, “we’ve been hiding for years-”
“And we can hide some more,” Rez said. “Look, I know you want to stay here, and I’m sorry about- the go-karts and everything- but we have to get out of here. You can go back if you want to, but. I just. I can’t go back, okay?” She subsided, sinking to the floor and staring into space.
Flip bit her lip. On one hand, there was Freakazoid and maybe go-karts sometime, although that hand was looking more and more unlikely. On the other hand, hiding out in the multiverse hadn’t been that bad. Most of it had been pretty fun, actually. On the other hand- which was three hands, but oh well- that was before the DIA had been involved. And on the other other hand, since she was ignoring the conventional number of hands, she could just go back- but Zarquon knew what would happen to Rez on her own, out in the multiverse, in a jury-rigged pod, in the state she was in. She’d be lucky if it was just the DIA.
She sighed, going over to pull her partner up. “Okay,” she said. “Let’s run. Deirdre, switch out the chameleon circuit and reroute the power cells through the main generator. Come on, Rez, you’re the one who can fly this thing.”
And the Julia Vigilant shed its disguise, fired its engines, and disappeared into hyperspace again.
...guys, I hate badfic. I really do.
Anyway.
Day 1 here.
Title: Not Such A Freakalicious Time, Day 2
Fandom: Freakazoid / Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Summary: Of busted ships and Pinnacle chips, fangirl-flailing and villainous plots, anachronisms, extra OCs, and a really stupid Sue. What are two agents stuck in a Freakazoid badfic to do? (Hint: the answer involves shooting things.)
Disclaimer: I am responsible for neither Freakazoid (more's the pity) or the fic, 'A Freakalicious Time' (thank god). This is a work of fiction, intended for comedy, et cetera et cetera. Troll not, ye masses.
Rating/Warnings: Eh, this one's pretty PG. Fictional swearing and badfic-logic, but nothing worse.
Rez woke up to a crash and a maniacal “a-ha!” She groaned, rolled out of her bunk, and stuck her head out blearily into the pod cabin.
Flip had the top of the main console off, with wires and parts- and empty soda cans- strewn all around her on the floor. Next to her, Deirdre was perched on the console, with a laser soldering tool extended on an arm.
“Okay, Deirdre,” she said, holding out a hand dramatically, “give me… the chip.”
Rez sighed. “What in the name of Blind Io’s footie pajamas are you doing?”
Flip jumped, and a spark leapt between the console and the chip she was about to put into place. She yelped and dropped it. “Zark, Rez,” she said, shaking out her hand, “don’t you know not to interrupt a Moment of Dramatic Triumph when you see one?”
“Not when it wakes me up, I don’t.” She lifted an eyebrow. “My question stands.”
“I was fixing,” Flip said, peering around in the inner workings of the console, “the ship. Until you made me drop the critical component. Where did it- aha, there you are!”
“Flip.”
“Yes?”
“Is that a Pinnacle chip?”
“…Maybe?”
“Put it down, Flip.”
“I was just going to put it in the ship!” Flip protested. “I wasn’t going to do anything with it, sheesh. No, listen,” she said, seeing Rez’s expression, “the problem with Julia is that the externals are overloading the guidance systems, right? So if I put this into the central processor, it should expand the whole ship’s running capacity and we’ll be fine.”
“And there’s definitely not, say, a flaw code written down somewhere around here.”
“I do not have any code, cross my heart and hope to… explode.”
“Huh.” Rez considered. “Okay, keep an eye on her, Deirdre. I’m going to get dressed and go get some breakfast.”
Breakfast was donuts and a thing of orange juice, rogued from the nearest convenience store. “That’s it?” Flip said, when Rez dropped down through the top hatch with them. Due to the logistics of the dumpster disguise, it was easier to go that way than to look for the hatch stairs.
“Well, I’m not as good at this as you are,” said Rez. “Never thought I’d say it, but I miss the HQ cafeteria.”
“Hmm,” Flip said noncommittally. She finished putting the top back on the console and reached for a donut. Before she could get to it, though, she was overtaken by a massive yawn.
Rez blinked. “Did you sleep at all?”
“Nuh,” said Flip. She yawned again.
“Oh, for zark’s sake,” Rez sighed. “Go get some sleep, I’ll take the first scene and wake you up for the breakup at lunch.”
“But donuts,” Flip said indistinctly.
“I’ll save you some. Go! Sleep!”
---
Sitting in the back of the classroom, Rez was less glad she’d come by herself. She had no one to make snarky comments to while watching Onyx attack one of the bullies with pure cinnamon oil, and then distribute candy canes to the entire class while enforcing ‘manners.’ Despite the fact that it was, according to the fic, spring.
Rez contented herself with making annoyed notes in the margins of the charge list, then stealing a candy cane while Onyx wasn’t looking. When the bell rang, she beat feet as fast as possible.
While she waited for Flip to wake up- or for it to be a reasonable time to wake her up, whichever came first- she tested the pod’s systems. Everything seemed to be in decent working order, minus the blown-out power cells. No trace of any Pinnacle-chip-related shenanigans. She blinked. Flip had actually done it.
She was about to stick her head back into the sleeping quarters when Flip emerged, looking pained. “The scene dividers have unrelated text in them now,” she said. “I heard it.”
“Do they?” said Rez. “I’ll take your word for it.” She dug out the charge list and made a note, while Flip popped another painkiller. “Okay, ready to go watch Freakazoid get slapped into a tree?”
Flip made a half-hearted attempt at a glare. “That really doesn’t help.”
“Sorry. An agent’s gotta do, et cetera.”
“Yeah, yeah, don’t remind me.”
They found Steph a minute before Freakazoid did, ‘sitting under a tree on the school lawn, near the tennis courts.’ “I don’t remember the school having a lawn,” Rez muttered. “Or tennis courts.”
Freakazoid appeared from around a corner- somehow, there were corners outside- and came over to Steph’s tree. Flip made a quiet, high-pitched noise.
“You’re squeeing, Flip,” said Rez.
“And I don’t care who knows it,” Flip said, beaming. She couldn’t keep from bouncing up and down a little, either. “It’s Freakazoid!”
Rez sighed. “Eyes on the work, Flip. If I know badfic, this isn’t going to go well.”
“Hi Freak, what did you want to talk to me about?” Steph asked. She smiled. They could almost see Freakazoid lose his nerve. Flip wrung her hands, her eyes wide and worried.
But Freakazoid pulled it together, with encouragement from Dexter-in-his-head, and took a deep breath. “I'mscaredtodothis butDexsaysIneedto soI'mdumpingyou and pleasedon'thurtme!”
Steph frowned and asked him to repeat himself. He did, more slowly. There was a lengthy pause.
Then she delivered a mighty slap, sending him ‘face-first right into the tree.’ Flip jumped to her feet. Rez hauled her back down. “Stay out of sight!” she hissed.
Steph screamed something at Freakazoid- the fic didn’t specificy what, so it came out as a wordless shriek- and ran off.
“No, hell with that,” Flip said, shrugging free of her partner’s hold. “Somebody’s got to explain things to her.” Before Rez could grab her again, she took off after Steph.
Rez made to go after her, but Sue-voices sounded, looking for Dexter. She was forced to dive behind a tree again and watch as Onyx and Ruby debated whether, judging by the handprint left on his face, Freakazoid had been pimp-slapped or bitch-slapped. The three of them made inane conversation for the rest of the lunch period. As soon as they had left, Rez trudged back around the school to the disguised pod.
Deirde scooted over as soon as she dropped down into the cabin, making concerned little whirring sounds. “No, I’m okay, Deirdre,” she said. “I just hate badfic. Can you get me the Words, please?”
She was stretched out on the floor of the pod, eating a leftover donut and scanning the Words, when Flip appeared in the top hatch. Rez rolled out of the way so she could drop down. She looked even more subdued than Rez felt.
“I feel terrible,” she announced. “I think this fic is getting to me. We’re so far away from canon we might as well be in an AU-” she paused, and made a face- “plus, I keep getting that thing where I feel like I’m about to sneeze but then I don’t.”
Rez blinked. “Does that have to do with the fic?”
“No idea.”
“Well, anyway, look,” said Rez, shaking her head. “It’s been six chapters, and it’s another two or three before we even get to the plot. We’ve got a crapton of charges already. What say we kill this thing early?”
Flip’s eyes lit up. “Can we?”
“No reason why not,” Rez said. “The Lobe’s going to try to recruit the Sue tonight, on the roof of the school. We can get her then.”
“What about the rest of the OCs? Ruby, and the relatives?”
Rez grinned. “We’ve got all afternoon,” she said, “ and the Sue will be distracted studying and one-upping Duncan. Plenty of time for a killing spree.”
---
They intercepted Ruby after school, when she split up from Dexter and Onyx. A pulse pistol shot- they’d decided finding a freeze ray was too much effort after all- took care of her in fairly short order, and a tiny bit of canon returned. “I feel better already,” said Flip, as the body faded from existence.
“Uh oh,” Rez said, nudging her partner and pointing across the street, “Lobe alert.”
“Nutbunnies,” said Flip. “I think we’re going to need him on our side when we go after Onyx. Quick, go catch him, I’ll mop up the OC teachers and we’ll meet back here.”
“Aye aye,” said Rez. She tossed the pulse pistol to her partner and took off across the street. Flip recharged the pistol and grinned, heading into the school. It felt so good to be doing something.
When she emerged again, Rez was just coming back across the street, dusting her hands together. “Lobe officially convinced,” she reported. “Easy-peasy.”
“OC teachers dead,” Flip replied, tossing the pistol back. “Who’s next on the itinerary?”
“That’d be Clera and- oh, wait, crap.”
“What?” said Flip, blinking. “Why crap?”
“She’s stupid pregnant, isn’t she? We can’t kill a pregnant chick, that is totally not radical.”
Flip shrugged. “So we just get the fetus extraction thingy- oh, no, wait. Zark.”
“You see the dilemma,” said Rez.
“I do.” Flip considered. “Gah, I guess we have to let her live. Maybe she’ll integrate into canon.” She tried to look optimistic, but the expression came out looking more like unsure.
“Well, look on the bright side,” Rez said, gesturing up at the sky. “The clouds are clearing up. No out-of-season blizzard for us!”
“Wait, seriously? A blizzard in the middle of spring? In DC?” Flip shuddered. “Sheesh, no wonder I was feeling like death.” She shook herself out of it. “Oh, well, places to go, people to shoot. Can we kill Taylor at least?”
“But of course. Then we should probably get this Lode Stone off the villains, whatever it is.”
“Lode Stone? Like, a naturally magnetized piece of magnetite?”
“Search me. It’s something magical.”
“Hey, maybe we can put it in the ship to-”
“No.”
“But maybe it-”
“No.”
---
Inside the pod, a red light on the console flicked on. There was an incoming communication.
Deirdre scooted around in a worried little circle. The message was coming in on a secure channel, and one he didn’t recognize. And the agents were nowhere around to tell him what to do with it. He circled the other way, then plugged into the communications link. Better take a message.
---
Dusk was falling over the city by the time the agents returned. It had taken longer than they expected to retrieve the Lode Stone- partially because Rez had gotten sidetracked talking to the Lobe about the role of a good nemesis. “I can’t imagine what came over me,” the villain was saying, when Flip found them again. “I don’t really want to defeat Freakazoid, not for good. I’d have nothing to do! Oh, what a fool I’ve been!” Rez patted him comfortingly on the shoulder, listening intently. Flip rolled her eyes and dragged her partner away.
They deposited the Lode Stone- it didn’t look like a magical artifact, just a bit of peacock copper- inside the pod. “I wish we had a containment bag for this,” Rez said. “Deirdre, can you keep an eye on it?”
Deirdre flipped open a compartment on his back. Both agents blinked at it. Rez shrugged, and dropped the purple-and-blue stone into it. It clicked shut again.
“Have I mentioned I love DRDs?” said Flip.
Deirdre whirred, blinking his eyestalk-antennae like an answering machine light. “Oops,” said Rez. Flip was already halfway out the top hatch. “Can it wait? We’ve got to get into position before Dexter and the Sue show up.” Deirdre appeared to consider, then nodded his antennae.
They positioned themselves on the roof of the school, looking out at the lights of DC around them. From this high up- the fic seemed to think it was a vantage point for the whole city- they could see the Capitol building, the Washington Monument with its red light on top, the glimmery reflection in the Potomac of planes taking off from the airport.
“You used to live here, didn’t you?” said Flip. “Back in the real world?”
“Yeah.” Rez blew out a sigh. “Man, of all the places I never thought I’d be again.”
“You ever miss it?”
“Not so’s you’d notice.” She shrugged, but there was something a little sad in her face. Maybe. It was hard to tell in the dark.
There was a bit of a pause. “What was it like?” Flip said quietly.
“Normal,” said Rez. “Come on, I hear the Sue.”
They peered over the edge of the building to see Dexter climbing onto what he thought was a dumpster, to get to the fire escape. “That’s my ship!” Rez gasped. “Stop climbing on my ship, you little jerk!”
“Chill,” said Flip, pulling her back from the edge. “He doesn’t know.”
“Hmph,” said Rez, but she shut up.
Onyx, meanwhile, displayed some previously-unmentioned talent for free-running by scaling the side of the building. Flip glared. “Pretty sure that’s not how free-running works, you twerp,” she muttered. “I hope your stupid hair gets caught in a drainpipe.”
“Now now,” said Rez, “then she’d never make it up here where we can kill her. Chill.”
“Hmph,” Flip said.
They ducked behind a chimney as Onyx reached the top of the building. A few moments later, Dexter followed her, and they wandered to the other side of the roof.
“Plan on doing that often?” he asked her.
“Not unless it’s required.” Flip rolled her eyes. Apparently showing off was a requirement. They snuck out from behind the chimney, taking positions that would cut the Sue off from any escape route.
Oblivious, Onyx skipped the rest of the way over to Dexter. “I do get around faster though, I'm sure you've noticed.”
“Oh, I'm sure we've all noticed that, deary,” Rez said, in her best Lobe impression. “Too bad you won't be able to use it right now.”
Dexter and Onyx ‘spun around where they stood.’ The Sue gaped. “You- you’re not-“
Rez grinned, pointing her pulse pistol at the Sue. “You were expecting a giant brain, maybe? Too bad. Fun time’s over, Onyx.”
Flip stepped out of the shadows, grabbing Dexter before he could do anything. “We’re not here to hurt you,” she said, quietly enough that only he could hear, “but we know you’ve got Freakazoid in there.” She knocked lightly on his head. “Try to fre- to bring him out and I promise you, I will not be responsible for my actions.” Dexter gulped and held still.
“How do you know my name?” the Sue gasped, meanwhile. Rez gave her her best attempt at an enigmatic smile.
“Oh, we know lots of things,” she said calmly. “We know about your powers,” she lied, “and your family, and all about what you’ve been up to with Dexter here. And we know you’re not getting off this roof alive.”
“This is all wrong,” said Onyx. “You’re not supposed to-”
Rez rolled her eyes and shot her in the leg. The Sue went down. Dexter shouted, but thanks to Flip he stayed where he was. “Now shut up and listen,” Rez said, pulling out the charge list. “Sheesh. Some people.”
“Onyx Analya, alias Mary Sue,” she read, “you are charged with the following crimes against canon. Having stupid hair, a stupid name, and stupid badly-defined powers, anachronistic technology, anachronistic references, malicious formatting, negligent grammar, awkward capitalization, terrible pacing, overdescription, underreaction, misspelling important plot points, spelling ‘monologue’ without the ‘ue,’ writing in leet-speak, having no grasp of basic color theory, geography, or common frelling sense, aberrational weather patterns, time conflation, seasonal confusion, inventing nonsensical magical artifacts, breaking up a canon couple, conspiracy to arson, imposing ridiculous stereotypes on the whole of Harry Connick High School, mischaracterization and abuse of basically everybody but most noticeably Dexter Douglas, Freakazoid, and the Lobe, inserting yourself, your friends, and- we suspect- your whole school into canon, and making us spend two days climbing in and out of a dumpster.”
“And giving me zarking awful headaches,” Flip added.
“And giving Flip headaches,” said Rez. “We find you guilty of all charges and sentence you to immediate death. The rules, which you’re lucky we’re still following at all, say you get last words.”
“Close your eyes, Dexter,” said the Sue. She managed to get to her feet, somehow, stiffly supporting herself on her good leg, and raised a hand. Around them, the agents could feel a terrible, dark power start to rise.
Rez sighed and shot her in the head. The power drained from the air. “Those were terrible last words,” she said, shaking her head.
Flip let Dexter go. He started toward Rez, but he stopped and blinked as the return of canon overtook him. “What was that?” he said, looking back at where Onyx’s body was fading from existence.
“Mary Sue,” said Flip. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
“I don’t think I want to,” Dexter said, dubiously. “But thanks, I guess.” A sudden look of horror came over his face, as something occurred to him. “Oh, no- Steph! Freak out!”
There was a whirl of color, and then it was Freakazoid standing there grinning at them. Flip bit her lip, attempting to keep herself contained.
“I owe you one, random people I’ve never met before,” he declared. “Maybe go-karts sometime. Call me.” He put his arms over his head, striking a pose. “Freakazoid, away! Whoosh!” And he zapped away in a bolt of lightning, arcing out over the city.
Flip sighed, leaning on the edge of the roof. “Can we stay here?” she said dreamily.
“You’re such a fangirl,” said Rez. “Okay, maybe. For a bit. We’ve got to finish sorting Julia out, anyway.”
“Yay!” Flip surprise-hugged her partner and bounded down the fire escape, humming a familiar theme song. Rez followed, smiling a bit in spite of herself.
Back inside the pod, Deirdre was still blinking his answering-machine lights. “Okay, hit us with it,” said Rez.
Deirdre projected a holo-screen, with words scrolling across it. The voice that accompanied them sounded pre-recorded- it was flat and unfamiliar, but there was some weird harmonic in it that they thought they recognized.
“Agents Rez Montrose and Flip Finley,” it said, “your location is known to the Department of Personnel as of February 20, 2011, standard Earth time. If you are in a distress situation, respond to this message and backup will be sent to you. Otherwise, return to PPC Headquarters immediately, or you will be registered as rogue agents and your case will be turned over to the Department of Internal Affairs. Message repeats. Agents Rez Montrose and Flip Finley-”
Rez gestured at Deirdre to shut it off. She had gone even paler than usual with rage. “That bastard Scorpius,” she shouted, thumping the console, “we helped him and he sold us out! I can’t believe it!”
“Really?” said Flip.
“Okay, yeah, I can believe it,” Rez said, deflating. “Totally in-character. But I’m not going back,” she said, “I’m not!”
Flip frowned, as if it- and the thought it accompanied- took considerable effort. “Maybe,” she said slowly, “it wouldn’t be so bad if-”
“Do you remember Subjugation, Flip? Do you?” Rez paced around the cabin, eyes frantic. “We cannot go back there. It’s a lifetime of insanity and we will never escape again.”
“But I’m just saying,” said Flip, “we’ve been hiding for years-”
“And we can hide some more,” Rez said. “Look, I know you want to stay here, and I’m sorry about- the go-karts and everything- but we have to get out of here. You can go back if you want to, but. I just. I can’t go back, okay?” She subsided, sinking to the floor and staring into space.
Flip bit her lip. On one hand, there was Freakazoid and maybe go-karts sometime, although that hand was looking more and more unlikely. On the other hand, hiding out in the multiverse hadn’t been that bad. Most of it had been pretty fun, actually. On the other hand- which was three hands, but oh well- that was before the DIA had been involved. And on the other other hand, since she was ignoring the conventional number of hands, she could just go back- but Zarquon knew what would happen to Rez on her own, out in the multiverse, in a jury-rigged pod, in the state she was in. She’d be lucky if it was just the DIA.
She sighed, going over to pull her partner up. “Okay,” she said. “Let’s run. Deirdre, switch out the chameleon circuit and reroute the power cells through the main generator. Come on, Rez, you’re the one who can fly this thing.”
And the Julia Vigilant shed its disguise, fired its engines, and disappeared into hyperspace again.