Breaking down anger.
I was thinking about anger while taking a bath. That's probably my favorite place in the whole house to think, and relax.
And I've come to the conclusion that I don't believe in it. Anger is a facade, it's an illusion, it is the sheep in wolves clothing, and yes I mean it that way.
It's nothing more than an expression of some other negative emotion. Sadness, jealousy, guilt, frustration, blame, fear, a desire for control, I can't think of a single time that I was "angry" that wasn't driven by one of these emotions. If you are there, "angry" and you really think to yourself "Why am I angry," you're going to find something else, if you're strong enough to look for it. Anything that causes discomfort can become part of the illusion of anger.
*Sadness, feeling slighted, let down, or maybe even deliberately hurt (coincides with blame). Doesn't that make you vulnerable? No one wants to be vulnerable, so lets hide those feelings behind a veil of "anger". Or what's more, we are so frustrated with not knowing how to express those feelings that we must lash out, we must yell and scream in frustration. And feeling hurt, often drives us to want to hurt.
If you are feeling hurt about something, then I doubt that this person who is the focus of such an emotion is a stranger. So, wouldn't it be more beneficial to express this hurt, in hopes they might understand it? It might actually help things in the long run.
Anger doesn't get you what you want in the long run, it's not going to keep someone from doing things that you let hurt you. That will probably lead to lies and half-assing of what you really want.
If the person really cares about you, and you really focus on communicating your feelings, then you might just get what you really want. Instead of yelling at your boyfriend for being late 'all the time' (almost always an over-generalization), you can tell him that "Hey, I'm feeling hurt that you are late so often, it makes me feel like you don't care about being with me or my feelings. I would be a lot happier if you would really put in the effort to be on time. And if you can be understanding about those feelings, then I can be more understanding when you are late once in a while, because sometimes stuff happens." Doesn't that just seem more productive than saying "You're always late you stupid jerk."?
As far as frustration, the key is to recognize your frustration. Sometimes you have to break yourself away from the situation, and get a grip on what's really going on inside you.
*Blame, it's a human disposition to put it somewhere else. Being at fault makes you feel uncomfortable. So if I can blame my feelings on someone else, it takes the weight off or me. When you blame someone for something, you usually aren't the nicest you can be to that person. You show your "anger", hostility. Or, perhaps even worse, you brood about it.
If you are hurt, blame it on your spouse! Blame it on your mom! You're sister, etc. I hate to break it to you, but that's not going to do much.
At some point, you have to realize you're part in the equation. So someone cuts you in line, you get "angry". Well you know what, not everyone gets that way in that situation. Some people shrug it off. So it can't be the situation that does it! Otherwise, everyone would react the same way.
It can't be the person who cuts you's fault that you're angry, if it were than everyone would get angry when that specific person cut them (I highly doubt that's possible.) So guess what, YOU are the reason you are angry. It's the way you are thinking about it. You choose it. And you know what, you can un-choose it! Not to say that it can be done in a day, but it can be done! To say you cannot do so is to deny yourself the power you really have.
Or you can be difficult, you can deny yourself that power by blaming your thinking on something else, how you were raised, society, etc. But you know what, putting the blame somewhere else isn't going to help you change anything. And once you realize how unproductive blaming everything on others actually is, you might be inclined to do something about it.
What's productive about anger? Nothing. If you yell or say nasty things to the person in front of you for cutting you, I guarantee that is NOT going to make them any better of a person. Anger only breeds anger. Now maybe you could say "Hey, you just cut me, I really don't appreciate that." And maybe they will respond positively, maybe they won't. If they do, celebrate a small victory in that your patience has had a positive impact. If they don't, you have to just realize some people are just like that, and you can't change them, that's something they have to do on their own. (Well, I think you can significantly *help* people change, just not the people you've *just* met)
*Guilt. From my previous experience of being "angry", I don't think anything is more anger provoking than someone saying something about you that you don't like, maybe something that is thought of as "bad" by others, or just something that you (supposedly) disagree with, that is in some way true. You get "angry" to defend yourself, use that brute force to justify your actions, or how you are different then what they are saying. NO ONE wants to be a hypocrite. Now many people will be angry, and really put themselves into it, maybe to the point that they don't really realize the cause of their anger is the truth in what the person is saying. They might choose just not to believe it.
Again... how is this productive? If something they say *is* true, and it bothers you that much to get angry, well then, you need to do something about it. If you want to be a top functioning individual, you have to DEAL with the things you don't like about yourself in one way or another.
The beauty of it, you can choose to recognize it, and just be OK with it. If it is not something damaging to you or others, then there is nothing wrong about that decision. Or if it's something that really bothers you, something you don't like about yourself, choose to recognize it and change it. If you have the strength to change something that seems ingrained in you just because you want to, hey you are one amazing person.
Now, someone might say something that is NOT true, which can lead to frustration generated anger. But if you are really sure of your convictions and of who you are, then anything someone says that's not true, you will be able to just let it roll off.
*Jealousy. It can be just about anything. From hating your neighbor because they have a better house, to being unhappy because your spouse plays cards with his friends 5 nights a week. This is a tricky situation, cause there are a lot of ways to deal with this. For one, don't be jealous of what your neighbor has, that's just silly, and even if you are, don't have resentment. It's not going to do any good.
If you're spouse plays a lot of card games, maybe with some money on the table, and this bothers, you, well I am NOT inclined to say "stop being jealous". That might just go along with needing to communicate your feelings, and working something out. Because if your spouse playing cards 5 times a night is really something you DON'T want to *choose* to just be ok with, I think that's understandable. You have to draw the line on your feelings if you can't even be ok with his friends coming over to play an innocent game of no-bets texas hold'em. You might have 'control' issues.
*Fear. I think this is next only guilt in terms of what's behind anger. Fear is so uncomfortable. It makes you more vulnerable than sadness. And it is so often associated with weakness, that we hate it. We HATE fear, and anything that might cause it because we HATE weakness. If you perceive someone as doing something that causes you fear, it's a pretty good likelihood that will express some level of anger or resentment to them.
You're afraid that your spouse is going to leave you (jealousy can cause this of course). Or because you're just afraid that you're not good enough (guilt). That's a pretty big recipe for anger. Cast that illusory emotion around to hide your fear! Resent them! I mean, that's certainly going to help the situation, right?
I think a lot of fear can be solved with communication, combined with working very hard on yourself. It takes a lot of work to not be afraid. A big part of that is changing your thoughts. You have to think to yourself, "She's late because something got in the way," instead if "She's late because she doesn't want to spend time with me." And if you are afraid you are not good enough, well WAKE UP, being afraid isn't going to fix it! Either be good enough, or find some way to believe you are. If you really can't do either of those, you're not doing anyone any favors by sticking around.
*Desire to control. This goes hand in hand with fear. You can be afraid without wanting to control, but I think people have to have some level of fear to want to control things with anger. So often that fear is linked to hurt. People who use anger to control have probably been very hurt. It's not an excuse in the slightest, just an explanation.
Anger is what we use when we think there is not other way to accomplish what we want, when the truth is, anger is certainly NOT the way to do so. Anger isn't going to make someone love you, you might be able to delay their leaving with it, but it's not going to make them stay. You might be able to get them to agree to things, but it is *not* long before that's just going to be them lying to satisfy you. And you know what, saying they agree is the immediate gratification that rewards that anger, it rewards the iron fist, even if it doesn't mean anything in the long run. Anger is a superficial means to superficial solutions.
It takes time to realize that you aren't really getting what you want. Even then, it can just make you angrier that they aren't really doing what you want. Until you know. how. to. do. otherwise. When you finally figure that out, you can start changing anger, you can start finding real solutions.
And maybe... that's just what this is all about. I can't help anyone not looking for answers, but I think there are plenty of people out there that have had the same troubles I've had, and if they can recognize that, maybe I can make a difference with these words.
I have lived anger, I think there are very few of us out there who have not. I have lived brooding, and thinking of people as just bad people for whatever reasons. I have lived the iron fist of control. I have lived fear, and hurt, and guilt. And I have come out the other side! I have put a harness on anger. I have lived lies, and I am DONE lying to myself or anyone else. You *cannot* fix the problems that you hide.
I have lived blaming others. And I am done putting the blame elsewhere. Instead, I can use communication and patience to cultivate understanding and meaningful solution. And sometimes I can still be afraid, or hurt, but I don't need anger to deal with that. And sometimes I get so frustrated that I think to myself for just a moment, a split second even, that I'm angry. But then I think to myself, "no, that's not real to me. That's not real to me anymore, there is. something. else. there. And I can come out of this."
And I believe that others can do the same. It's not an easy road, and is not something someone can walk for you. It is something you have to choose. And it's a fight you have to fight with yourself. But once you do, you'll never see people the same way. And you'll never have a hard time forgiving. They won't even need to ask. Because once you escape from anger, you recognize it for what it really is.
Once you escape, you let go of so many negative emotions that you didn't realize were such a huge burden. I think you'll be surprised at how much happier you are. And I think it really does a lot to put you right with God.
Not everyone will escape. Not everyone needs to in order to be fairly happy. But I think to be as happy as you can possibly be, you have to escape. I don't think you can overestimate the benefit of ripping yourself from the clutches of anger. It was the hardest and the most important fight of my life. It was fought with patience, love, deep conviction, dedication and time. And though the reason for that fight was James, that fight brought me closer to God than anything else of done in my life.
So maybe I can't say I don't believe in anger with complete accuracy. I believe anger is the sheep in wolfs clothing. I believe anger is what we have when we have no control. I believe anger is what we have when we don't dig deeper into ourselves to find what's really there. I believe anger is what eats away at ourselves, at others, and the world. I believe anger is the ultimate scape goat.
And I've come to the conclusion that I don't believe in it. Anger is a facade, it's an illusion, it is the sheep in wolves clothing, and yes I mean it that way.
It's nothing more than an expression of some other negative emotion. Sadness, jealousy, guilt, frustration, blame, fear, a desire for control, I can't think of a single time that I was "angry" that wasn't driven by one of these emotions. If you are there, "angry" and you really think to yourself "Why am I angry," you're going to find something else, if you're strong enough to look for it. Anything that causes discomfort can become part of the illusion of anger.
*Sadness, feeling slighted, let down, or maybe even deliberately hurt (coincides with blame). Doesn't that make you vulnerable? No one wants to be vulnerable, so lets hide those feelings behind a veil of "anger". Or what's more, we are so frustrated with not knowing how to express those feelings that we must lash out, we must yell and scream in frustration. And feeling hurt, often drives us to want to hurt.
If you are feeling hurt about something, then I doubt that this person who is the focus of such an emotion is a stranger. So, wouldn't it be more beneficial to express this hurt, in hopes they might understand it? It might actually help things in the long run.
Anger doesn't get you what you want in the long run, it's not going to keep someone from doing things that you let hurt you. That will probably lead to lies and half-assing of what you really want.
If the person really cares about you, and you really focus on communicating your feelings, then you might just get what you really want. Instead of yelling at your boyfriend for being late 'all the time' (almost always an over-generalization), you can tell him that "Hey, I'm feeling hurt that you are late so often, it makes me feel like you don't care about being with me or my feelings. I would be a lot happier if you would really put in the effort to be on time. And if you can be understanding about those feelings, then I can be more understanding when you are late once in a while, because sometimes stuff happens." Doesn't that just seem more productive than saying "You're always late you stupid jerk."?
As far as frustration, the key is to recognize your frustration. Sometimes you have to break yourself away from the situation, and get a grip on what's really going on inside you.
*Blame, it's a human disposition to put it somewhere else. Being at fault makes you feel uncomfortable. So if I can blame my feelings on someone else, it takes the weight off or me. When you blame someone for something, you usually aren't the nicest you can be to that person. You show your "anger", hostility. Or, perhaps even worse, you brood about it.
If you are hurt, blame it on your spouse! Blame it on your mom! You're sister, etc. I hate to break it to you, but that's not going to do much.
At some point, you have to realize you're part in the equation. So someone cuts you in line, you get "angry". Well you know what, not everyone gets that way in that situation. Some people shrug it off. So it can't be the situation that does it! Otherwise, everyone would react the same way.
It can't be the person who cuts you's fault that you're angry, if it were than everyone would get angry when that specific person cut them (I highly doubt that's possible.) So guess what, YOU are the reason you are angry. It's the way you are thinking about it. You choose it. And you know what, you can un-choose it! Not to say that it can be done in a day, but it can be done! To say you cannot do so is to deny yourself the power you really have.
Or you can be difficult, you can deny yourself that power by blaming your thinking on something else, how you were raised, society, etc. But you know what, putting the blame somewhere else isn't going to help you change anything. And once you realize how unproductive blaming everything on others actually is, you might be inclined to do something about it.
What's productive about anger? Nothing. If you yell or say nasty things to the person in front of you for cutting you, I guarantee that is NOT going to make them any better of a person. Anger only breeds anger. Now maybe you could say "Hey, you just cut me, I really don't appreciate that." And maybe they will respond positively, maybe they won't. If they do, celebrate a small victory in that your patience has had a positive impact. If they don't, you have to just realize some people are just like that, and you can't change them, that's something they have to do on their own. (Well, I think you can significantly *help* people change, just not the people you've *just* met)
*Guilt. From my previous experience of being "angry", I don't think anything is more anger provoking than someone saying something about you that you don't like, maybe something that is thought of as "bad" by others, or just something that you (supposedly) disagree with, that is in some way true. You get "angry" to defend yourself, use that brute force to justify your actions, or how you are different then what they are saying. NO ONE wants to be a hypocrite. Now many people will be angry, and really put themselves into it, maybe to the point that they don't really realize the cause of their anger is the truth in what the person is saying. They might choose just not to believe it.
Again... how is this productive? If something they say *is* true, and it bothers you that much to get angry, well then, you need to do something about it. If you want to be a top functioning individual, you have to DEAL with the things you don't like about yourself in one way or another.
The beauty of it, you can choose to recognize it, and just be OK with it. If it is not something damaging to you or others, then there is nothing wrong about that decision. Or if it's something that really bothers you, something you don't like about yourself, choose to recognize it and change it. If you have the strength to change something that seems ingrained in you just because you want to, hey you are one amazing person.
Now, someone might say something that is NOT true, which can lead to frustration generated anger. But if you are really sure of your convictions and of who you are, then anything someone says that's not true, you will be able to just let it roll off.
*Jealousy. It can be just about anything. From hating your neighbor because they have a better house, to being unhappy because your spouse plays cards with his friends 5 nights a week. This is a tricky situation, cause there are a lot of ways to deal with this. For one, don't be jealous of what your neighbor has, that's just silly, and even if you are, don't have resentment. It's not going to do any good.
If you're spouse plays a lot of card games, maybe with some money on the table, and this bothers, you, well I am NOT inclined to say "stop being jealous". That might just go along with needing to communicate your feelings, and working something out. Because if your spouse playing cards 5 times a night is really something you DON'T want to *choose* to just be ok with, I think that's understandable. You have to draw the line on your feelings if you can't even be ok with his friends coming over to play an innocent game of no-bets texas hold'em. You might have 'control' issues.
*Fear. I think this is next only guilt in terms of what's behind anger. Fear is so uncomfortable. It makes you more vulnerable than sadness. And it is so often associated with weakness, that we hate it. We HATE fear, and anything that might cause it because we HATE weakness. If you perceive someone as doing something that causes you fear, it's a pretty good likelihood that will express some level of anger or resentment to them.
You're afraid that your spouse is going to leave you (jealousy can cause this of course). Or because you're just afraid that you're not good enough (guilt). That's a pretty big recipe for anger. Cast that illusory emotion around to hide your fear! Resent them! I mean, that's certainly going to help the situation, right?
I think a lot of fear can be solved with communication, combined with working very hard on yourself. It takes a lot of work to not be afraid. A big part of that is changing your thoughts. You have to think to yourself, "She's late because something got in the way," instead if "She's late because she doesn't want to spend time with me." And if you are afraid you are not good enough, well WAKE UP, being afraid isn't going to fix it! Either be good enough, or find some way to believe you are. If you really can't do either of those, you're not doing anyone any favors by sticking around.
*Desire to control. This goes hand in hand with fear. You can be afraid without wanting to control, but I think people have to have some level of fear to want to control things with anger. So often that fear is linked to hurt. People who use anger to control have probably been very hurt. It's not an excuse in the slightest, just an explanation.
Anger is what we use when we think there is not other way to accomplish what we want, when the truth is, anger is certainly NOT the way to do so. Anger isn't going to make someone love you, you might be able to delay their leaving with it, but it's not going to make them stay. You might be able to get them to agree to things, but it is *not* long before that's just going to be them lying to satisfy you. And you know what, saying they agree is the immediate gratification that rewards that anger, it rewards the iron fist, even if it doesn't mean anything in the long run. Anger is a superficial means to superficial solutions.
It takes time to realize that you aren't really getting what you want. Even then, it can just make you angrier that they aren't really doing what you want. Until you know. how. to. do. otherwise. When you finally figure that out, you can start changing anger, you can start finding real solutions.
And maybe... that's just what this is all about. I can't help anyone not looking for answers, but I think there are plenty of people out there that have had the same troubles I've had, and if they can recognize that, maybe I can make a difference with these words.
I have lived anger, I think there are very few of us out there who have not. I have lived brooding, and thinking of people as just bad people for whatever reasons. I have lived the iron fist of control. I have lived fear, and hurt, and guilt. And I have come out the other side! I have put a harness on anger. I have lived lies, and I am DONE lying to myself or anyone else. You *cannot* fix the problems that you hide.
I have lived blaming others. And I am done putting the blame elsewhere. Instead, I can use communication and patience to cultivate understanding and meaningful solution. And sometimes I can still be afraid, or hurt, but I don't need anger to deal with that. And sometimes I get so frustrated that I think to myself for just a moment, a split second even, that I'm angry. But then I think to myself, "no, that's not real to me. That's not real to me anymore, there is. something. else. there. And I can come out of this."
And I believe that others can do the same. It's not an easy road, and is not something someone can walk for you. It is something you have to choose. And it's a fight you have to fight with yourself. But once you do, you'll never see people the same way. And you'll never have a hard time forgiving. They won't even need to ask. Because once you escape from anger, you recognize it for what it really is.
Once you escape, you let go of so many negative emotions that you didn't realize were such a huge burden. I think you'll be surprised at how much happier you are. And I think it really does a lot to put you right with God.
Not everyone will escape. Not everyone needs to in order to be fairly happy. But I think to be as happy as you can possibly be, you have to escape. I don't think you can overestimate the benefit of ripping yourself from the clutches of anger. It was the hardest and the most important fight of my life. It was fought with patience, love, deep conviction, dedication and time. And though the reason for that fight was James, that fight brought me closer to God than anything else of done in my life.
So maybe I can't say I don't believe in anger with complete accuracy. I believe anger is the sheep in wolfs clothing. I believe anger is what we have when we have no control. I believe anger is what we have when we don't dig deeper into ourselves to find what's really there. I believe anger is what eats away at ourselves, at others, and the world. I believe anger is the ultimate scape goat.