I don't want to be so lost and so frightened.
This is why I love movies. Movies draw me in a make me think about how I am living my life and how I am fulfilling my potential and sense of self. Tonight, I realized that I am not doing a very honest job at truly being ME.
I was comparing the two main characters of the movie I saw - one is young and painfully grown up, and the other is in her twenties and painfully childish. Both did not choose to be that way, but were rather products of their situations. I loved something about both of them. The younger girl was very orderly, clear, concise about what she wanted and how she wanted things. The other girl was very honest about who she was, and she expressed that self endlessly and without any shame. These are two things that I have a lot of trouble doing.
I am aware of the fact that I am often times scatter brained, that I have a bad memory, that I am very messy, and that I change constantly. I don't like any of this. I wish that I could keep organized and focussed. I wish that I could remember things that I've done in the past, things that I am told, things that I need to do, and things that are important to living my life appropriately. I wish that I had the discipline to keep my room ordered, the knowledge on how to best utilize my resources, and the composure to keep myself neat. I want to be me - and to know what ME is.
I want to be able to tell people who I am and what I am about - and mean it. I want to be able to show myself, all of my facets, without worrying about conforming for the comfort of those around me.
I feel so passionless most days; it's like I have no interests, no talents, no hobbies. I strive to do well whatever it is that I am doing at the moment, but I am never able to do it as well as I'd like. And I don't do anything as best as I think I should be able to. I want to be good at something, to have that skill or interest that people associate with me and that I can depend on to keep my inspired and moving.
I feel like I have no substance. Like I am a hovering black liquid ball - made up of all these colors, and no specific colors at the same time. I'm like atoms - everywhere and nowhere at once, everything and nothing at the same time, in constant motion without and real solidity. I wish that I could pin myself down for you - tell you who I am, what I am about, where I plan to go, and how I plan to do it. I can only tell you where I have been, and that I am mostly unhappy about it. I appreciate the experiances that I've had and the lessons that I've learned, but not the hurt I still carry from some of them. I wish that I were able to be optimistic about every new day, and not continue to mourn the painful days past.
I just want to feel, safe in my own skin. I just want to be, happy...
I was comparing the two main characters of the movie I saw - one is young and painfully grown up, and the other is in her twenties and painfully childish. Both did not choose to be that way, but were rather products of their situations. I loved something about both of them. The younger girl was very orderly, clear, concise about what she wanted and how she wanted things. The other girl was very honest about who she was, and she expressed that self endlessly and without any shame. These are two things that I have a lot of trouble doing.
I am aware of the fact that I am often times scatter brained, that I have a bad memory, that I am very messy, and that I change constantly. I don't like any of this. I wish that I could keep organized and focussed. I wish that I could remember things that I've done in the past, things that I am told, things that I need to do, and things that are important to living my life appropriately. I wish that I had the discipline to keep my room ordered, the knowledge on how to best utilize my resources, and the composure to keep myself neat. I want to be me - and to know what ME is.
I want to be able to tell people who I am and what I am about - and mean it. I want to be able to show myself, all of my facets, without worrying about conforming for the comfort of those around me.
I feel so passionless most days; it's like I have no interests, no talents, no hobbies. I strive to do well whatever it is that I am doing at the moment, but I am never able to do it as well as I'd like. And I don't do anything as best as I think I should be able to. I want to be good at something, to have that skill or interest that people associate with me and that I can depend on to keep my inspired and moving.
I feel like I have no substance. Like I am a hovering black liquid ball - made up of all these colors, and no specific colors at the same time. I'm like atoms - everywhere and nowhere at once, everything and nothing at the same time, in constant motion without and real solidity. I wish that I could pin myself down for you - tell you who I am, what I am about, where I plan to go, and how I plan to do it. I can only tell you where I have been, and that I am mostly unhappy about it. I appreciate the experiances that I've had and the lessons that I've learned, but not the hurt I still carry from some of them. I wish that I were able to be optimistic about every new day, and not continue to mourn the painful days past.
I just want to feel, safe in my own skin. I just want to be, happy...