The Child is Grown, The Dream Is Gone
Not Bob Dylan, who seems to be the only person people listen to on here. Not that I don't love me some Dylan but yeesh. SOMETHING NEW. PINK FLOYD.
There, I did it. Something else is there. I feel better. Do I need there to always be something else? Something new? Yes, absolutely I do. Did you know I have never had my scenery constant in the past 10 years? Almost 11 now. That's right. Since I moved to Alabama, I've had a new school every 2 years. Used to be the same town (no longer of course), but at least a new school. New environment. New place to spread some roots. Then new town with the new school, then new town with a school again. More roots, more growth, I'm fricking Kudzu, eating up the South bit by bit.
And here I find myself coming up on 2 years. Time to leave right? Certainly how I feel. Everything's aching to pick up and be somewhere else. But I like this don't I? I do, I know I do. But I always do. I always like it.
Never stops me from leaving though. Because I believe the things we love stay with us. I don't need to see my parents to have them with me. I don't need an empty beach at 6 in the morning. Close my eyes, there I am. A memory palace is what Hannibal Lecter called it. I'd hesitate to call it palace, because mostly mine's outdoors, same thought though. But people there are so many people.
Cry Baby Cry, Make your mother sigh. She's old enough to know better, so Cry Baby Cry.
I know, I know. This is why I can't wait for Germany. 3 months of separation from everything I know. Mmm, a delicious sabbatical. Just what I need to get some motivation back. I hate that I don't try in school anymore. A few years ago, I'd stay up all night to ace a test. Now I roll over, go to bed, and trust my brain to recall. And it does, quite well. But I want more. I want to want to learn again.
Or do I? Dunno. Again, sabbatical is for this reason. And the reason for this? Getting in tune for a paper. I do miss writing. I love writing, just not when forced. Has to be something that flows, comes out. Had one of my poems reviewed the other day in front of me. No one knew it was mine, save for 1 and maybe 2. 1, trivial, 2 would have liked them not. I enjoy unbiased opinions. Something that comes from being too easy to force a bias I suppose. Just to hear, to know. That's enough.
On another note, I finally received a notebook of mine from early to middle senior year. For some reason, I thought it was from junior year, but I do believe I contained that all in one journal. Or not quite did I? Mmm that's a fun journal. I believe it has all my favorite moments. Yes, indeed. I always wonder what will happen should anyone read them. If they'd be surprised or just "Yup, that's our Elise." My opinion? The latter. Maybe a twinge of "Oh my" but certainly a finale of "Yes, you would have wouldn't you?". Oddly enough? Not a lot changes. It's funny, looking through, I see phrases I say almost every day. Nothing seems like it's changed. Which is kind of disappointing, you know? Aren't we supposed to evolve? Change over time 'til we discover our "selves" or something? Been myself since I was born, but I think I've been my "self" for that period, too.
But anyway, I believe I am sufficiently calm now. Bleeding has been successful. Time for a coffee refill, then some real work.
There, I did it. Something else is there. I feel better. Do I need there to always be something else? Something new? Yes, absolutely I do. Did you know I have never had my scenery constant in the past 10 years? Almost 11 now. That's right. Since I moved to Alabama, I've had a new school every 2 years. Used to be the same town (no longer of course), but at least a new school. New environment. New place to spread some roots. Then new town with the new school, then new town with a school again. More roots, more growth, I'm fricking Kudzu, eating up the South bit by bit.
And here I find myself coming up on 2 years. Time to leave right? Certainly how I feel. Everything's aching to pick up and be somewhere else. But I like this don't I? I do, I know I do. But I always do. I always like it.
Never stops me from leaving though. Because I believe the things we love stay with us. I don't need to see my parents to have them with me. I don't need an empty beach at 6 in the morning. Close my eyes, there I am. A memory palace is what Hannibal Lecter called it. I'd hesitate to call it palace, because mostly mine's outdoors, same thought though. But people there are so many people.
Cry Baby Cry, Make your mother sigh. She's old enough to know better, so Cry Baby Cry.
I know, I know. This is why I can't wait for Germany. 3 months of separation from everything I know. Mmm, a delicious sabbatical. Just what I need to get some motivation back. I hate that I don't try in school anymore. A few years ago, I'd stay up all night to ace a test. Now I roll over, go to bed, and trust my brain to recall. And it does, quite well. But I want more. I want to want to learn again.
Or do I? Dunno. Again, sabbatical is for this reason. And the reason for this? Getting in tune for a paper. I do miss writing. I love writing, just not when forced. Has to be something that flows, comes out. Had one of my poems reviewed the other day in front of me. No one knew it was mine, save for 1 and maybe 2. 1, trivial, 2 would have liked them not. I enjoy unbiased opinions. Something that comes from being too easy to force a bias I suppose. Just to hear, to know. That's enough.
On another note, I finally received a notebook of mine from early to middle senior year. For some reason, I thought it was from junior year, but I do believe I contained that all in one journal. Or not quite did I? Mmm that's a fun journal. I believe it has all my favorite moments. Yes, indeed. I always wonder what will happen should anyone read them. If they'd be surprised or just "Yup, that's our Elise." My opinion? The latter. Maybe a twinge of "Oh my" but certainly a finale of "Yes, you would have wouldn't you?". Oddly enough? Not a lot changes. It's funny, looking through, I see phrases I say almost every day. Nothing seems like it's changed. Which is kind of disappointing, you know? Aren't we supposed to evolve? Change over time 'til we discover our "selves" or something? Been myself since I was born, but I think I've been my "self" for that period, too.
But anyway, I believe I am sufficiently calm now. Bleeding has been successful. Time for a coffee refill, then some real work.