365 Facts: #362 (Random--Relationships)
I double-checked my notes and it doesn't appear I've gone through my thoughts on relationships. That surprises me in a way, but then again if you've been here all year perhaps you understand why.
In a nutshell: I'm a little different.
I don't know what it stems from, if it's because I've seen how my parents are and I've realized I do not want to be like them, or if I'm just wired differently. It's probably both.
I grew up with poor examples of couples. My parents really aren't compatible; my grandparents fought all the time before finally divorcing when I started college. Both couples married because they "had" to. Ah, now some of my baby talk from yesterday starts to make a little more sense. I actually didn't realize my grandparents "had" to get married until just a few years ago. I discovered their wedding anniversary was in December, I think; my uncle was born the following April. The way I found out was that my mom asked how old her brother would be on his next birthday. I said, 53. She then replied, oh, then my parents would have been married 53 years on their next anniversary. Oh. Oh. That kind of explained a lot. It's not that my grandparents didn't love each other or weren't fond of each other; I'm just not sure my grandfather was meant to be a family man. Consider that I was never close to him until I got to college. He's just not real good with little kids.
My own parents, well, I won't go into details but it's clear to me that if I hadn't come along, they wouldn't have stayed together this long. At least one of them does not love the other, at least not unconditionally. That's really unfair--to both of them, really. But at least one of my parents deserves to be loved by somebody and that hasn't really happened.
Having seen what I've seen, I want to go into a relationship knowing that I care about a person and I accept him as he is. It can't just be an infatuation. And, at the same time, I can't enter a relationship knowing that I don't have feelings for someone.
Let me step back. I'm shy. I am not comfortable around strangers. It is not uncommon for me to go to a party and just sit against the wall for a while, even if I know some of the people there. I have to get comfortable with the situation before I can integrate myself. This is especially true where guys are involved. I could never go on a blind date because I would never be able to trust him. I don't care how well any of my friends know the person; if I don't know him, the evening will be a disaster. I much prefer getting to know someone first, realizing if I can be comfortable around him, and then take it from there. The problem, in most cases, is that by the time I've gotten to know the person, I usually realize that he is not the one for me. There is something about him that I don't like. Sometimes it's not even a tangible quality; I'll just know that I'm not into him in a romantic way. I'm sure this drives people crazy. There are a number of guys on here who know me in real life who are probably wondering, why hasn't she gone out with *this person*? Most of my group of friends from high school are guys (and are the same guys I just mentioned). I have never dated any of them. At least two of them (not on here) have tried. No, wait, three. But I am just not interested, and at this point I am too far set in my ways to be able to change from that. I may find certain guys attractive, but ultimately most of them don't do it for me.
You also have to realize I'm a perfectionist. I do not like making mistakes. This prevents me from even casual dating because if I already know I'm not into the person, I'm not going to waste time and money, either his or mine, when I know the relationship isn't going to last. I don't think that's fair to the guy. So, in case you know some of the people who have asked me out and you wonder why on earth I said know, seeing as they are great guys, that's why. I'm not uncomfortable being around them at parties or anything. I just don't want things to get misconstrued.
I think that actually has happened with someone. He was practically the only person in the group who never hit on me, even in a joking manner. Because of that, I felt comfortable around him. Well, and unfortunately, that ended up backfiring because in the end he did start to like me, and it totally shocked me, and I felt horrible having to tell him I wasn't interested. Here's this really sweet, funny guy who wants to go out with me but I can't force myself to do it. It makes me think of my situation and how it's similar, only I'm the one doing the denying instead of being denied.
With regards to that, I still don't feel I'm wrong. Not to sound conceited, but I can tell when a guy likes me. I'll be honest, when I don't like him back I can be totally oblivious, but if I like him I can see the signs that it's reciprocal. I'm not saying anything has actually come of that. Sadly, nothing really has. But on at least one occasion--you know what, actually, all three that I'm thinking of--I did try. When I like someone, I do put forth some sort of effort. The problem with me and my lack of having been in actual prior relationships is that such efforts sometimes have me come off as crazy psycho girl. The good news is that, by the time I resort to such efforts, the guys usually know me well enough that it's not that big of a shock, apparently. Perhaps I should be frightened by that, but oh well.
So, anyway, I've learned that I have to really like a guy to even think of going out with him. That means knowing a decent bit about him, what he's like, do we have the same sense of humor, do we have similar tastes/hobbies/what have you, but at the same time are there enough differences to keep things interesting. I'm really impressed by people who are able to do things that I can't. Pianists in particular are sexy to me because of that. I love watching them play. I also have come to the realization that I have to accept a person as he is. I cannot change him. If I can't do that, then he's not right for me. That's really what it comes down to, and I learned that the hard way in college. It's tough to have your heart broken over something stupid, and even worse when you're in the minority about the situation. I know I have my weird little quirks, but I can't push those on to other people. It's been nearly eight years since I learned that lesson but it still sticks me like a needle. I think that's why what happened over the past year hit me so hard--I thought I'd finally found someone I could accept who could also handle me, but I guess not. It would take a special guy to handle all my issues. I also have to let him want to handle them. This isn't something that happens regularly, believe me. In fact, prior to 2005, it had been a number of years before any guy had really made me bonkers. Yes, there were a couple of possibilities but nothing happened. It was nice to feel bonkers again. You forget what it's like after a while. I'd just like it if someone could make me feel bonkers for the rest of my life. I'd gladly do the same for him.
In a nutshell: I'm a little different.
I don't know what it stems from, if it's because I've seen how my parents are and I've realized I do not want to be like them, or if I'm just wired differently. It's probably both.
I grew up with poor examples of couples. My parents really aren't compatible; my grandparents fought all the time before finally divorcing when I started college. Both couples married because they "had" to. Ah, now some of my baby talk from yesterday starts to make a little more sense. I actually didn't realize my grandparents "had" to get married until just a few years ago. I discovered their wedding anniversary was in December, I think; my uncle was born the following April. The way I found out was that my mom asked how old her brother would be on his next birthday. I said, 53. She then replied, oh, then my parents would have been married 53 years on their next anniversary. Oh. Oh. That kind of explained a lot. It's not that my grandparents didn't love each other or weren't fond of each other; I'm just not sure my grandfather was meant to be a family man. Consider that I was never close to him until I got to college. He's just not real good with little kids.
My own parents, well, I won't go into details but it's clear to me that if I hadn't come along, they wouldn't have stayed together this long. At least one of them does not love the other, at least not unconditionally. That's really unfair--to both of them, really. But at least one of my parents deserves to be loved by somebody and that hasn't really happened.
Having seen what I've seen, I want to go into a relationship knowing that I care about a person and I accept him as he is. It can't just be an infatuation. And, at the same time, I can't enter a relationship knowing that I don't have feelings for someone.
Let me step back. I'm shy. I am not comfortable around strangers. It is not uncommon for me to go to a party and just sit against the wall for a while, even if I know some of the people there. I have to get comfortable with the situation before I can integrate myself. This is especially true where guys are involved. I could never go on a blind date because I would never be able to trust him. I don't care how well any of my friends know the person; if I don't know him, the evening will be a disaster. I much prefer getting to know someone first, realizing if I can be comfortable around him, and then take it from there. The problem, in most cases, is that by the time I've gotten to know the person, I usually realize that he is not the one for me. There is something about him that I don't like. Sometimes it's not even a tangible quality; I'll just know that I'm not into him in a romantic way. I'm sure this drives people crazy. There are a number of guys on here who know me in real life who are probably wondering, why hasn't she gone out with *this person*? Most of my group of friends from high school are guys (and are the same guys I just mentioned). I have never dated any of them. At least two of them (not on here) have tried. No, wait, three. But I am just not interested, and at this point I am too far set in my ways to be able to change from that. I may find certain guys attractive, but ultimately most of them don't do it for me.
You also have to realize I'm a perfectionist. I do not like making mistakes. This prevents me from even casual dating because if I already know I'm not into the person, I'm not going to waste time and money, either his or mine, when I know the relationship isn't going to last. I don't think that's fair to the guy. So, in case you know some of the people who have asked me out and you wonder why on earth I said know, seeing as they are great guys, that's why. I'm not uncomfortable being around them at parties or anything. I just don't want things to get misconstrued.
I think that actually has happened with someone. He was practically the only person in the group who never hit on me, even in a joking manner. Because of that, I felt comfortable around him. Well, and unfortunately, that ended up backfiring because in the end he did start to like me, and it totally shocked me, and I felt horrible having to tell him I wasn't interested. Here's this really sweet, funny guy who wants to go out with me but I can't force myself to do it. It makes me think of my situation and how it's similar, only I'm the one doing the denying instead of being denied.
With regards to that, I still don't feel I'm wrong. Not to sound conceited, but I can tell when a guy likes me. I'll be honest, when I don't like him back I can be totally oblivious, but if I like him I can see the signs that it's reciprocal. I'm not saying anything has actually come of that. Sadly, nothing really has. But on at least one occasion--you know what, actually, all three that I'm thinking of--I did try. When I like someone, I do put forth some sort of effort. The problem with me and my lack of having been in actual prior relationships is that such efforts sometimes have me come off as crazy psycho girl. The good news is that, by the time I resort to such efforts, the guys usually know me well enough that it's not that big of a shock, apparently. Perhaps I should be frightened by that, but oh well.
So, anyway, I've learned that I have to really like a guy to even think of going out with him. That means knowing a decent bit about him, what he's like, do we have the same sense of humor, do we have similar tastes/hobbies/what have you, but at the same time are there enough differences to keep things interesting. I'm really impressed by people who are able to do things that I can't. Pianists in particular are sexy to me because of that. I love watching them play. I also have come to the realization that I have to accept a person as he is. I cannot change him. If I can't do that, then he's not right for me. That's really what it comes down to, and I learned that the hard way in college. It's tough to have your heart broken over something stupid, and even worse when you're in the minority about the situation. I know I have my weird little quirks, but I can't push those on to other people. It's been nearly eight years since I learned that lesson but it still sticks me like a needle. I think that's why what happened over the past year hit me so hard--I thought I'd finally found someone I could accept who could also handle me, but I guess not. It would take a special guy to handle all my issues. I also have to let him want to handle them. This isn't something that happens regularly, believe me. In fact, prior to 2005, it had been a number of years before any guy had really made me bonkers. Yes, there were a couple of possibilities but nothing happened. It was nice to feel bonkers again. You forget what it's like after a while. I'd just like it if someone could make me feel bonkers for the rest of my life. I'd gladly do the same for him.