10 signs of a toxic parent
I come across various articles that interest me for whatever reason, and I tend to email myself links so that I remember them later. Then they sit unopened in my inbox for months. I want to start going through those articles.
For the last year, I've been dealing with some personal stuff that affected certain relationships. Getting that out in the open has helped and I'm not so burdened by certain things any longer, but during that time I read a few articles that touched on why I've been affected. It goes pretty deep.
I came across this one at work, through a different website, but it was more concise at the home page.
10 Signs You’re a Toxic Parent But Don’t Realize It
Leah Berenson
April 19, 2024 · 6 min read
Being a parent is one of the most rewarding yet taxing things we experience. However, after a perpetual cycle of toxicity has taken place generation after generation, you will need to break the cycle and recover. Many have chosen to heal from their childhood trauma before having children. No one is perfect, and sometimes our actions hurt others without us realizing it. Here are ten traits that might be worth considering if you’re worried about being a toxic parent.
1. Fighting in front of Others
A sign that you or your spouse, if not both, maybe a toxic parent is when you often argue in front of your children and other family members. It’s normal to have differing opinions and to talk about them openly with eachother. However, the exchanges should be private, maintaining a respectful environment. And in the form of a conversation rather than an argument. On the other hand, if things get heated, it’s best to take a cooling-off period and revisit the topic when both parties have had time to reevaluate.
2. A Toxic Parent is Overly Critical
Most parents want to help their children succeed. However, a sign of a toxic parent also includes how much criticism or praise is given. While children need to be realistic about their strengths and weaknesses, they also need encouragement and support from their parents. Children will face endless reality checks from future educators and employers and everyday encounters with others. Rather than pointing out the flaws in everything they do, try highlighting what they are good at-perhaps encouraging them to continue to work on the skills they wish to improve.
3. Discouraging Goals or Hobbies
A toxic parent tends to discourage their children from pursuing goals and passions or trying something new. This well-intended kind of behavior generally stems from a fear of failure. But more often than not, the pain of letting ourselves and others down is much worse than the actual failure. Therefore, a parent who reminds their child they’re still proud or understands they might feel sad or disappointed, allowing children to feel their feelings, is on the path to avoiding being a toxic parent.
4. A Toxic Parent Prevents Emotions
As previously mentioned, it’s important to allow children the space to feel sad or disappointed when they haven’t accomplished a task or goal, after working so hard to achieve it. Furthermore, this applies to all feelings. Children need a safe space to share their thoughts, concerns, needs, and wants. After all, they’re still learning about the world around them, and processing so much in a day can be taxing, even for adults.
5. Toxic Jokes
It’s not unusual for family members to give one another a “hard time,” but it’s important to understand that there are lines that can become overstepped. When this happens, it can be detrimental to children and their confidence, Both in the world and in themselves. Therefore, one who is hoping to avoid being a toxic parent should also avoid making jokes that are hurtful or degrading. In other words, think about how you’d feel if you were on the receiving end of the joke. If it seemingly upsets, hurts, or causes you any emotional damage, it will likely feel the same for children.
6. A Toxic Parent doesn’t have a Clue
In the same way that a hurtful joke can cause long-term damage, so too can a toxic parent who cannot recognize the way their actions might affect their child. As previously mentioned, children are learning about the world and themselves. As a result, they’re bound to make mistakes along the way. Undesirable behaviors should be addressed sooner rather than later, but it’s important to note the difference between making a mistake and something that has become a habit. Instead, a toxic parent will berate a child, sometimes endlessly, rather than take the time to be understanding and help their child find better ways to navigate their feelings, struggles, or future situations that may be similar.
7. Role Reversal
Another sign that you may be a toxic parent is reflected in what you expect from your child. Some parents expect their children to take on adult responsibilities such as acting therapists, personal assistants, or providers. Sadly, these expectations only add to the stress of growing up and experiencing everything from learning that you have feelings and opinions but very little freedom to hormone changes.
8. Blaming
Arguably, placing blame on a child can fall into the category of role reversal. However, it’s much more. Placing blame on a child not only requires them to take on adult tasks, but it can also cause long-term and negative mental health impacts. They’ll eventually start to question their worth, if not their sanity. It can cause a child to feel they’re in the wrong or will never be good enough. They may feel unworthy of love from you or others and unworthy of happiness or success.
9. No Boundaries
Another behavior that may reflect a toxic parent is one in which boundaries become skewed. Whether a parent allows the child to establish boundaries then ignores them or refuses to let boundaries be set in the first place. Interestingly, role reversal and placing blame can become evident in these instances as well. For example, a parent may become frustrated by a child who enters without knocking but may also be guilty of the same behavior. Thereby expecting their children to respect their boundaries without offering the same courtesy. Or a parent may choose to engage in a conversation with their child that crosses a line or isn’t appropriate, such as venting about the other parent or money troubles.
10. A Toxic Parent is Always Negative
It’s never a bad idea to be prepared for the worst-case scenario. Nor is it a bad idea to be realistic about what might go wrong, including facing challenges rather than denying their existence. Yet some people spend all of their time questioning the intentions of others. They worry about possible failed outcomes or the dangers of every situation. Rather than live in the moment, recognize that things are as likely to go well as they are to fall apart, and choose to see that there is some good to be found everywhere.
Healing is Key
Life is incredibly challenging for everyone, particularly concerning parent and child relationships. In most cases, parents love their children more than anything and oppositely. Yet parents and children rarely see eye to eye, in many cases, because somewhere inside most parents lies a hurt child who had a toxic parent, guardian, or other adult in their lives. It’s essential to both heal from these things and put yourself in the shoes of others, in this case, children. This will help to give a new perspective on how you treat others, as well as how you view yourself. In turn, you’ll create a more loving and understanding life, setting a great example for future generations. Showing them how peaceful and rich life can become when it’s lived in forgiveness, understanding, and encouragement.
Sources
1. “6 Signs You’re A Toxic Parent But Don’t Realize It.” Higher Perspectives.
2. “Toxic Mother: Definition, Signs, and How to Cope.” Very Well Mind. Brittany Loggins. April 12, 2023.
I may have gone through this before, but my mom's side of the family is toxic. Her parents weren't great at parenting, and at least one of each of my grandparents' parents were not good, and through the generations certain traits have been passed down that screwed up mom's generation pretty badly. Her younger brother seems to have come away relatively unscathed, but then again he basically joined a cult in order to do so. A religion that doesn't celebrate birthdays or holidays, i.e., I'm forced to *not* be with my family? Sign me up! Meanwhile, her older brother likely has undiagnosed learning disabilities, and being part of the baby boomer generation meant he certainly wasn't given the time and effort he needed to become a useful member of society...so he didn't. He's an alcoholic. He's managed to get through life but it wasn't easy. And then there's mom, who has her own undiagnosed issues, yet she seems to think she's perfectly normal and everyone else are the weird ones. No, honey.
Coming to realize what harm she'd done to me was a revelation, and reading articles like the one above really bring it home to me. So many of the points mentioned here are relevant to our relationship.
1. Fighting in front of others--this happens nearly daily. My parents don't know how to communicate with each other. Mom can turn on a dime with her temper, in part because she has all sorts of triggers. My dad really pushes her buttons, too. In some ways he's caught on to what can set her off, but in others he's clueless and it's like, after nearly 47 years of marriage, haven't you figured out not to say X in Y way? Then again, having to walk on eggshells around a person isn't healthy, either, but that's how it is with my mom.
2. A toxic parent is overly critical--this is basically how my mother and her parents communicate with others. They criticize. They pick apart. However someone else is doing something, it's wrong. My mother makes fun of me for what spoon I use when I'm eating. Like...I cannot tell you how many times in recent months I've said to her that just because a thought comes to her mind, that doesn't mean she has to share it. And yet the second you are the slightest bit critical of her, she turns on you.
3. Discouraging goals and hobbies--My mother is the reason I didn't start off taking honors classes in high school. Because my dad had started a new job and was working, he didn't take me to sign up for high school; mom did. And rather than recognizing I was a bright kid who could handle a challenge, she took the easy way out and I got signed up for regular classes. Yes, we were living in the city at the time and I was commuting for the first couple months. So what. I could've handled it, or at least been given the opportunity to try. It wouldn't be until my junior year that I finally made it into honors classes. I probably would've been ranked higher in my class had I been in them from the beginning--and it's possible I would have gone into college still wanting to teach. Being in a regular English class with the mopes that were my fellow students made me lose my want to teach. There was no way in hell I wanted to deal with kids like that. With hobbies, even to this day my mother questions why I practice so much and why can't I take a week off. Because it's a skill, mother, something you've never worked toward. If you want to continue at a high level, you continue to work and improve. The band I'm in is going to Carnegie Hall *because* we work hard, not in spite of it.
4. A toxic parent prevents emotions--I cannot tell you how many times my mother would pick me up from high school and look over at me in the passenger seat and go, "Smile!" Hi, I am an angsty teenager feeling all the feelings about friends and boys and classes and the weight of the world; I am not going to be happy all the time, and I am not a simp who is going to walk around with a dopey look on my face just so you can appear to be the perfect parent with a perfect child. This is not happening. Perhaps you could simply talk to me about what it is that I'm feeling instead of wanting me to disguise them, but that would take effort and that's not your M.O. (That's probably the worst thing she learned from her father, is to put the least amount of effort into anything and everything that you do. And she wonders why she's unhappy all the time. That is now how one leads a fulfilling life.)
5. Toxic jokes--My mother would make fun of me. Constantly. For the stupidest little stuff, often things I couldn't help. Like my feet when I stand. My natural turnout, which she should've been aware of from a young age. This is how my body is. I cannot help it. Why, as my parent, who should love me as I am, are you making fun of something that I cannot change?
6. A toxic parent doesn't have a clue--yeah, she doesn't. She has no self-awareness of the situation and appears to refuse to try to understand my position on things. I'm an adult; I should get over it.
7. Role reversal--To me, this is more that I have acted as the mature person in this relationship. Even today, to be funny, mom took my dinner plate and hid it from me while I was moving stuff to the kitchen table. Today! She is just a very immature person, impatient; she will pester me like a little kid for information on things where if she just took the time to go check something out, she'd be better off. I had this granola bar with dinner that she didn't recognize and was incessant on asking about it. Like, I don't have all the information. It's a granola bar. That's all I can tell you. Finally, after several minutes of this, she got up and went in the pantry and was able to figure out the answer--but an intelligent person would have just gone and done that in the first place. Critical thinking is not in her wheelhouse, and it's frustrating. The article mentions a parent having a child act as a personal assistant; for me, it was more like her servant. Instead of just getting up and doing things herself, she would want me to do them for her. If she was in bed and the light was still on, she would call me over to come turn it off. Or she'd come downstairs and go back upstairs and forget something, then call me over to go grab whatever she'd forgotten. Just do it yourself; is it that hard? Normal people would just sigh and get it over with. That's not my mom.
8. Blaming--Nothing is ever my mother's fault. It's always because of someone else. Even if she's fully aware that she has done something, she'll then jokingly blame it on me or dad. Farts are a good example. She'll laugh while saying my name. Meanwhile, I don't actually care to pass gas around others, so she's actually asked me if I even fart. (Yes; that's what the bathroom is for.) But...seriously? She is exhausting and stuff like this is why.
9. No boundaries--The whole disliking a particular habit, but then displaying the same habit, that's my mom. She calls me a control freak and tells me she doesn't like to be micromanaged, but then she will turn around and micromanage dad and me on stupid little things. Call her out on it, and she gets mad.
10. A toxic parent is always negative--This was another thing she picked up from her dad. Everything is always stupid. If my father or I have come up with an idea, it's dumb and why would we think that way. Mom is an over-thinker, which comes up in this bullet point, and she's very worst-case scenario. She hated visiting with dad's family because they'd often speak in Polish with my grandma and clearly they must be saying nefarious things about her because she heard her name! Mom, you're really not that interesting to other people. Names come up in conversation. That's it. If it really bothers you that much, learn Polish. (This then taps into how her parents, particularly her father, were xenophobic; it's really curious how my parents even got together, to be honest with you. But no, there was no way my mother was learning another language. That takes effort, but also, we're in America so people should speak English.)
I know that no parents are perfect and all of them are going to screw up their kids somehow. Most aren't going to do it on purpose, and those with good relationships with their kids will be able to talk it over once the kids are older and can come to terms with things. Ultimately, parents who are supportive and loving will make a big difference in their kids' lives, and I am very lucky that I did get one parent who has always been there for me and accepted me as I am. I really feel for the kids who didn't have that in their lives.
For the last year, I've been dealing with some personal stuff that affected certain relationships. Getting that out in the open has helped and I'm not so burdened by certain things any longer, but during that time I read a few articles that touched on why I've been affected. It goes pretty deep.
I came across this one at work, through a different website, but it was more concise at the home page.
10 Signs You’re a Toxic Parent But Don’t Realize It
Leah Berenson
April 19, 2024 · 6 min read
Being a parent is one of the most rewarding yet taxing things we experience. However, after a perpetual cycle of toxicity has taken place generation after generation, you will need to break the cycle and recover. Many have chosen to heal from their childhood trauma before having children. No one is perfect, and sometimes our actions hurt others without us realizing it. Here are ten traits that might be worth considering if you’re worried about being a toxic parent.
1. Fighting in front of Others
A sign that you or your spouse, if not both, maybe a toxic parent is when you often argue in front of your children and other family members. It’s normal to have differing opinions and to talk about them openly with eachother. However, the exchanges should be private, maintaining a respectful environment. And in the form of a conversation rather than an argument. On the other hand, if things get heated, it’s best to take a cooling-off period and revisit the topic when both parties have had time to reevaluate.
2. A Toxic Parent is Overly Critical
Most parents want to help their children succeed. However, a sign of a toxic parent also includes how much criticism or praise is given. While children need to be realistic about their strengths and weaknesses, they also need encouragement and support from their parents. Children will face endless reality checks from future educators and employers and everyday encounters with others. Rather than pointing out the flaws in everything they do, try highlighting what they are good at-perhaps encouraging them to continue to work on the skills they wish to improve.
3. Discouraging Goals or Hobbies
A toxic parent tends to discourage their children from pursuing goals and passions or trying something new. This well-intended kind of behavior generally stems from a fear of failure. But more often than not, the pain of letting ourselves and others down is much worse than the actual failure. Therefore, a parent who reminds their child they’re still proud or understands they might feel sad or disappointed, allowing children to feel their feelings, is on the path to avoiding being a toxic parent.
4. A Toxic Parent Prevents Emotions
As previously mentioned, it’s important to allow children the space to feel sad or disappointed when they haven’t accomplished a task or goal, after working so hard to achieve it. Furthermore, this applies to all feelings. Children need a safe space to share their thoughts, concerns, needs, and wants. After all, they’re still learning about the world around them, and processing so much in a day can be taxing, even for adults.
5. Toxic Jokes
It’s not unusual for family members to give one another a “hard time,” but it’s important to understand that there are lines that can become overstepped. When this happens, it can be detrimental to children and their confidence, Both in the world and in themselves. Therefore, one who is hoping to avoid being a toxic parent should also avoid making jokes that are hurtful or degrading. In other words, think about how you’d feel if you were on the receiving end of the joke. If it seemingly upsets, hurts, or causes you any emotional damage, it will likely feel the same for children.
6. A Toxic Parent doesn’t have a Clue
In the same way that a hurtful joke can cause long-term damage, so too can a toxic parent who cannot recognize the way their actions might affect their child. As previously mentioned, children are learning about the world and themselves. As a result, they’re bound to make mistakes along the way. Undesirable behaviors should be addressed sooner rather than later, but it’s important to note the difference between making a mistake and something that has become a habit. Instead, a toxic parent will berate a child, sometimes endlessly, rather than take the time to be understanding and help their child find better ways to navigate their feelings, struggles, or future situations that may be similar.
7. Role Reversal
Another sign that you may be a toxic parent is reflected in what you expect from your child. Some parents expect their children to take on adult responsibilities such as acting therapists, personal assistants, or providers. Sadly, these expectations only add to the stress of growing up and experiencing everything from learning that you have feelings and opinions but very little freedom to hormone changes.
8. Blaming
Arguably, placing blame on a child can fall into the category of role reversal. However, it’s much more. Placing blame on a child not only requires them to take on adult tasks, but it can also cause long-term and negative mental health impacts. They’ll eventually start to question their worth, if not their sanity. It can cause a child to feel they’re in the wrong or will never be good enough. They may feel unworthy of love from you or others and unworthy of happiness or success.
9. No Boundaries
Another behavior that may reflect a toxic parent is one in which boundaries become skewed. Whether a parent allows the child to establish boundaries then ignores them or refuses to let boundaries be set in the first place. Interestingly, role reversal and placing blame can become evident in these instances as well. For example, a parent may become frustrated by a child who enters without knocking but may also be guilty of the same behavior. Thereby expecting their children to respect their boundaries without offering the same courtesy. Or a parent may choose to engage in a conversation with their child that crosses a line or isn’t appropriate, such as venting about the other parent or money troubles.
10. A Toxic Parent is Always Negative
It’s never a bad idea to be prepared for the worst-case scenario. Nor is it a bad idea to be realistic about what might go wrong, including facing challenges rather than denying their existence. Yet some people spend all of their time questioning the intentions of others. They worry about possible failed outcomes or the dangers of every situation. Rather than live in the moment, recognize that things are as likely to go well as they are to fall apart, and choose to see that there is some good to be found everywhere.
Healing is Key
Life is incredibly challenging for everyone, particularly concerning parent and child relationships. In most cases, parents love their children more than anything and oppositely. Yet parents and children rarely see eye to eye, in many cases, because somewhere inside most parents lies a hurt child who had a toxic parent, guardian, or other adult in their lives. It’s essential to both heal from these things and put yourself in the shoes of others, in this case, children. This will help to give a new perspective on how you treat others, as well as how you view yourself. In turn, you’ll create a more loving and understanding life, setting a great example for future generations. Showing them how peaceful and rich life can become when it’s lived in forgiveness, understanding, and encouragement.
Sources
1. “6 Signs You’re A Toxic Parent But Don’t Realize It.” Higher Perspectives.
2. “Toxic Mother: Definition, Signs, and How to Cope.” Very Well Mind. Brittany Loggins. April 12, 2023.
I may have gone through this before, but my mom's side of the family is toxic. Her parents weren't great at parenting, and at least one of each of my grandparents' parents were not good, and through the generations certain traits have been passed down that screwed up mom's generation pretty badly. Her younger brother seems to have come away relatively unscathed, but then again he basically joined a cult in order to do so. A religion that doesn't celebrate birthdays or holidays, i.e., I'm forced to *not* be with my family? Sign me up! Meanwhile, her older brother likely has undiagnosed learning disabilities, and being part of the baby boomer generation meant he certainly wasn't given the time and effort he needed to become a useful member of society...so he didn't. He's an alcoholic. He's managed to get through life but it wasn't easy. And then there's mom, who has her own undiagnosed issues, yet she seems to think she's perfectly normal and everyone else are the weird ones. No, honey.
Coming to realize what harm she'd done to me was a revelation, and reading articles like the one above really bring it home to me. So many of the points mentioned here are relevant to our relationship.
1. Fighting in front of others--this happens nearly daily. My parents don't know how to communicate with each other. Mom can turn on a dime with her temper, in part because she has all sorts of triggers. My dad really pushes her buttons, too. In some ways he's caught on to what can set her off, but in others he's clueless and it's like, after nearly 47 years of marriage, haven't you figured out not to say X in Y way? Then again, having to walk on eggshells around a person isn't healthy, either, but that's how it is with my mom.
2. A toxic parent is overly critical--this is basically how my mother and her parents communicate with others. They criticize. They pick apart. However someone else is doing something, it's wrong. My mother makes fun of me for what spoon I use when I'm eating. Like...I cannot tell you how many times in recent months I've said to her that just because a thought comes to her mind, that doesn't mean she has to share it. And yet the second you are the slightest bit critical of her, she turns on you.
3. Discouraging goals and hobbies--My mother is the reason I didn't start off taking honors classes in high school. Because my dad had started a new job and was working, he didn't take me to sign up for high school; mom did. And rather than recognizing I was a bright kid who could handle a challenge, she took the easy way out and I got signed up for regular classes. Yes, we were living in the city at the time and I was commuting for the first couple months. So what. I could've handled it, or at least been given the opportunity to try. It wouldn't be until my junior year that I finally made it into honors classes. I probably would've been ranked higher in my class had I been in them from the beginning--and it's possible I would have gone into college still wanting to teach. Being in a regular English class with the mopes that were my fellow students made me lose my want to teach. There was no way in hell I wanted to deal with kids like that. With hobbies, even to this day my mother questions why I practice so much and why can't I take a week off. Because it's a skill, mother, something you've never worked toward. If you want to continue at a high level, you continue to work and improve. The band I'm in is going to Carnegie Hall *because* we work hard, not in spite of it.
4. A toxic parent prevents emotions--I cannot tell you how many times my mother would pick me up from high school and look over at me in the passenger seat and go, "Smile!" Hi, I am an angsty teenager feeling all the feelings about friends and boys and classes and the weight of the world; I am not going to be happy all the time, and I am not a simp who is going to walk around with a dopey look on my face just so you can appear to be the perfect parent with a perfect child. This is not happening. Perhaps you could simply talk to me about what it is that I'm feeling instead of wanting me to disguise them, but that would take effort and that's not your M.O. (That's probably the worst thing she learned from her father, is to put the least amount of effort into anything and everything that you do. And she wonders why she's unhappy all the time. That is now how one leads a fulfilling life.)
5. Toxic jokes--My mother would make fun of me. Constantly. For the stupidest little stuff, often things I couldn't help. Like my feet when I stand. My natural turnout, which she should've been aware of from a young age. This is how my body is. I cannot help it. Why, as my parent, who should love me as I am, are you making fun of something that I cannot change?
6. A toxic parent doesn't have a clue--yeah, she doesn't. She has no self-awareness of the situation and appears to refuse to try to understand my position on things. I'm an adult; I should get over it.
7. Role reversal--To me, this is more that I have acted as the mature person in this relationship. Even today, to be funny, mom took my dinner plate and hid it from me while I was moving stuff to the kitchen table. Today! She is just a very immature person, impatient; she will pester me like a little kid for information on things where if she just took the time to go check something out, she'd be better off. I had this granola bar with dinner that she didn't recognize and was incessant on asking about it. Like, I don't have all the information. It's a granola bar. That's all I can tell you. Finally, after several minutes of this, she got up and went in the pantry and was able to figure out the answer--but an intelligent person would have just gone and done that in the first place. Critical thinking is not in her wheelhouse, and it's frustrating. The article mentions a parent having a child act as a personal assistant; for me, it was more like her servant. Instead of just getting up and doing things herself, she would want me to do them for her. If she was in bed and the light was still on, she would call me over to come turn it off. Or she'd come downstairs and go back upstairs and forget something, then call me over to go grab whatever she'd forgotten. Just do it yourself; is it that hard? Normal people would just sigh and get it over with. That's not my mom.
8. Blaming--Nothing is ever my mother's fault. It's always because of someone else. Even if she's fully aware that she has done something, she'll then jokingly blame it on me or dad. Farts are a good example. She'll laugh while saying my name. Meanwhile, I don't actually care to pass gas around others, so she's actually asked me if I even fart. (Yes; that's what the bathroom is for.) But...seriously? She is exhausting and stuff like this is why.
9. No boundaries--The whole disliking a particular habit, but then displaying the same habit, that's my mom. She calls me a control freak and tells me she doesn't like to be micromanaged, but then she will turn around and micromanage dad and me on stupid little things. Call her out on it, and she gets mad.
10. A toxic parent is always negative--This was another thing she picked up from her dad. Everything is always stupid. If my father or I have come up with an idea, it's dumb and why would we think that way. Mom is an over-thinker, which comes up in this bullet point, and she's very worst-case scenario. She hated visiting with dad's family because they'd often speak in Polish with my grandma and clearly they must be saying nefarious things about her because she heard her name! Mom, you're really not that interesting to other people. Names come up in conversation. That's it. If it really bothers you that much, learn Polish. (This then taps into how her parents, particularly her father, were xenophobic; it's really curious how my parents even got together, to be honest with you. But no, there was no way my mother was learning another language. That takes effort, but also, we're in America so people should speak English.)
I know that no parents are perfect and all of them are going to screw up their kids somehow. Most aren't going to do it on purpose, and those with good relationships with their kids will be able to talk it over once the kids are older and can come to terms with things. Ultimately, parents who are supportive and loving will make a big difference in their kids' lives, and I am very lucky that I did get one parent who has always been there for me and accepted me as I am. I really feel for the kids who didn't have that in their lives.