A year of going in circles
This weekend marked a year since a situation put me into such a horrible mindset that the volcano inside of me erupted. I had a feeling I was burning a bridge but it sort of had to happen. Mentally, things were dire enough at the time that I finally needed to get everything out of my system, but in the process it ruined Windmill Fest for me last year. Mom brought that up a few times this year, saying she was so glad I wasn't as tired and could enjoy the festival. ...Yes. Tired. That's what it was. Apparently that was the lie I told her. Eventually I did write a post about it, in my usual vague manner, because it was important enough to notate it here.
A year has passed, and I feel like I've just gone around in a circle. Like, if I had reached a fork in the road and my choices were to say something or to not say something, the path I chose to say something has just brought me back to the same place. I don't want to say things have gotten worse, exactly, but they certainly aren't better. Things felt strained for months, then started to thaw a bit, only for them to hit a wall of sorts. That last part came at an already stressful moment for me, one of the things that made March so terrible, and led me to think, okay, we need to reopen a dialogue. Except this time, rather than hashing things out via email, let's try to talk in person. And it was like the world was conspiring to prevent that from happening with everything else that was going on. Meanwhile, my mental and physical health were deteriorating; I had chest pains for two months. I grew more anxious by the day. And then a series of things happened that made me realize of how little importance I am to the other side. This was in May, which was when Dr. Internet and its algorithms were showing me all sorts of interesting things, which made me understand why and how my brain is different. There were some interesting revelations. This was also where the Let Them theory came in handy. People show you things, and you need to let them and to listen to what they are and aren't saying. And what I was hearing was that everything else was more important than me. Like, when you think you're close to a situation, only to discover there have been several life-altering experiences that have occurred and you are finding out about them months later, that does not suggest closeness.
So here I am, I find myself at the crossroads again, and this time I am taking the other fork, the one where I do not reach out, I do not say my piece, I just...float away for the time being. This has been an internal argument with myself for months. There is a part of me that very badly wants to have this dialogue, and I'm 100% open to such a thing, and sharing what I've learned and how it affects my actions and reactions. I know how much better I felt, how the burdens were lifted off me for the first time in years, when I did send that initial email last year. More burdens have been placed on me in the meantime, and part of me is desperate to talk them over. And yet... When I've wanted to reach out and say, hey, let's talk, my anxiety ratchets up so badly as to be paralyzing. I think about the situation and my chest tightens and my shoulders hunch. I feel my jaw clenching. When I started to not think about things, this is when I relaxed. This is how I'm being unburdened this year. Letting go of the need to have the talk. I mean, it's still there, but it's also nice to have my mind go blank since I'm working to not fret about it like I used to. Having an obsessive mind can be very frustrating; having your obsessive mind go blank is an odd feeling but also kind of freeing.
I don't know that I want to go into the psychological aspects of what's going on at the moment, but I've thought a lot about nature versus nurture. Some of this has been caused by my brain's chemistry. Some of this has been caused by what I experienced growing up and how I wasn't given proper instruction on how to interact with others. Most interactions are fine, but this one isn't; there are special circumstances and that exacerbates certain things. At the same time, it's a two-way street, and it's long felt like the cars were only going in one direction. That's part of what set things off last year and part of why nothing really changed. It sucks when one party feels like they're the ones doing 99% of the work, you know? And of the remaining 1%, 99% of that time the other party only reaches out when it's beneficial to them. That's called being a user, you know. All I wanted was more give than take. Make things a teensy bit more even. That's not what happened.
So, we'll see what happens in this next year, in taking the other fork. I'm curious to see if the other person even notices, you know? They can be kind of stuck in their own rut in a way and not look around to see what's going on. I just know that in a way, it's a bit of a relief to not expend so much energy on a situation where nothing is coming back. It's exhausting and I'm exhausted; I need to conserve my energy for actual important things. And if I'm shown that I am an important cog in the greater wheel, I'll go back to exerting more energy in that direction. Until then, it's time to focus elsewhere.
A year has passed, and I feel like I've just gone around in a circle. Like, if I had reached a fork in the road and my choices were to say something or to not say something, the path I chose to say something has just brought me back to the same place. I don't want to say things have gotten worse, exactly, but they certainly aren't better. Things felt strained for months, then started to thaw a bit, only for them to hit a wall of sorts. That last part came at an already stressful moment for me, one of the things that made March so terrible, and led me to think, okay, we need to reopen a dialogue. Except this time, rather than hashing things out via email, let's try to talk in person. And it was like the world was conspiring to prevent that from happening with everything else that was going on. Meanwhile, my mental and physical health were deteriorating; I had chest pains for two months. I grew more anxious by the day. And then a series of things happened that made me realize of how little importance I am to the other side. This was in May, which was when Dr. Internet and its algorithms were showing me all sorts of interesting things, which made me understand why and how my brain is different. There were some interesting revelations. This was also where the Let Them theory came in handy. People show you things, and you need to let them and to listen to what they are and aren't saying. And what I was hearing was that everything else was more important than me. Like, when you think you're close to a situation, only to discover there have been several life-altering experiences that have occurred and you are finding out about them months later, that does not suggest closeness.
So here I am, I find myself at the crossroads again, and this time I am taking the other fork, the one where I do not reach out, I do not say my piece, I just...float away for the time being. This has been an internal argument with myself for months. There is a part of me that very badly wants to have this dialogue, and I'm 100% open to such a thing, and sharing what I've learned and how it affects my actions and reactions. I know how much better I felt, how the burdens were lifted off me for the first time in years, when I did send that initial email last year. More burdens have been placed on me in the meantime, and part of me is desperate to talk them over. And yet... When I've wanted to reach out and say, hey, let's talk, my anxiety ratchets up so badly as to be paralyzing. I think about the situation and my chest tightens and my shoulders hunch. I feel my jaw clenching. When I started to not think about things, this is when I relaxed. This is how I'm being unburdened this year. Letting go of the need to have the talk. I mean, it's still there, but it's also nice to have my mind go blank since I'm working to not fret about it like I used to. Having an obsessive mind can be very frustrating; having your obsessive mind go blank is an odd feeling but also kind of freeing.
I don't know that I want to go into the psychological aspects of what's going on at the moment, but I've thought a lot about nature versus nurture. Some of this has been caused by my brain's chemistry. Some of this has been caused by what I experienced growing up and how I wasn't given proper instruction on how to interact with others. Most interactions are fine, but this one isn't; there are special circumstances and that exacerbates certain things. At the same time, it's a two-way street, and it's long felt like the cars were only going in one direction. That's part of what set things off last year and part of why nothing really changed. It sucks when one party feels like they're the ones doing 99% of the work, you know? And of the remaining 1%, 99% of that time the other party only reaches out when it's beneficial to them. That's called being a user, you know. All I wanted was more give than take. Make things a teensy bit more even. That's not what happened.
So, we'll see what happens in this next year, in taking the other fork. I'm curious to see if the other person even notices, you know? They can be kind of stuck in their own rut in a way and not look around to see what's going on. I just know that in a way, it's a bit of a relief to not expend so much energy on a situation where nothing is coming back. It's exhausting and I'm exhausted; I need to conserve my energy for actual important things. And if I'm shown that I am an important cog in the greater wheel, I'll go back to exerting more energy in that direction. Until then, it's time to focus elsewhere.