Masking one's feelings
My long week continues. I think I'm getting better, but I still haven't wanted to be around people. To wit, I didn't go downstairs yesterday until after 1 PM. This is a big red flag to my family, because if there is one thing I do, it's eat breakfast. I *always* eat breakfast. If I eat nothing for the rest of the day, I'll still do that. I didn't do that yesterday. And lunch, I almost always eat that at noon. I didn't do that, either. Consider my mom left the house, went to a chiropractor appointment (that had only been set up the day before, but she hadn't gone in three months and really needed to), went to the farmers market (she said only half the people there were wearing masks), and then to the library to drop stuff off, and I still was in my room the whole time.
At least I had a good excuse: I was working on YC's mask. I got started on it fairly early, about 7 AM. The main part of the mask was already done, but I needed to sew her tie. That part takes hours. I finished a little after 10 AM--that's three Little House episodes if you're counting--and took a short break. I needed to do the tie to determine if I still needed to put pleats in her mask or not. Unfortunately for me, yes, the pleats were needed, so that was another probably hour and a half. I really wanted it to get done so I could get it in the wash today and give it to her this week. It is a nice, solitary activity, one where I have something physical to show for all my hours spent by myself. It also gives me time to think. I did a lot of thinking yesterday. I mean, okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking this whole time, but it takes a while for my brain to sort through things. It's the sort of thing where I wonder, what if I had never done X? What if I took away this major part of my life--where would I be now? I honestly have no idea. It amazes me that one little point in time can adjust the trajectory of your life to such a degree. If I hadn't made X choice all those years ago, if the spark to induce the want to do X thing hadn't happened… Everything in my life would be different. Everything. Again, sewing allows my mind to roam and think through so many different things. It's always so busy anyway; I'm just glad it's not so busy right now as to prevent me from sleeping. Well, okay, maybe a little, but I have been sleeping some.
I felt a little more normal when I got up this morning. I did have breakfast; I am doing laundry, because that's what we do on a typical Sunday. I'm still thinking about things, though. Wondering if it's time to change the trajectory of my life. How to go about that. How to find a way to be happy for other people when truthfully it makes me sad. I've been trying to run through scenarios in my head, but I know that no matter what I come up with, real life never happens that way. I can plan for anything I can think of, any plausible reaction, yet I'm always surprised by the real outcome. Sometimes you get to a point where you realize you should still do certain things, regardless of what happens. It's terrifying. I don't know when I might get that chance; I don't know how things will be altered, only that they will. Perhaps someday I'll explain everything; I wouldn't necessarily count on it, though. I just…I think I may have reached my breaking point. If I don't do something soon, I may break entirely. This isn't something I want to have happen, but the way my brain works, I know it's different from others. I know it's wired in such a way that it takes something mundane and twists it around. This recent situation made me realize, I am why I can't have nice things. Do I want to have nice things? Do I want to take steps to go about that? What exactly would I need to do? Is it something simple or complex? These are some of the things I'm mulling over. For the current situation, it might be something relatively simple. Long term, who knows. But at times I feel like I'm trying to shove things into little boxes that just won't fit. I need to find another way.
At least I had a good excuse: I was working on YC's mask. I got started on it fairly early, about 7 AM. The main part of the mask was already done, but I needed to sew her tie. That part takes hours. I finished a little after 10 AM--that's three Little House episodes if you're counting--and took a short break. I needed to do the tie to determine if I still needed to put pleats in her mask or not. Unfortunately for me, yes, the pleats were needed, so that was another probably hour and a half. I really wanted it to get done so I could get it in the wash today and give it to her this week. It is a nice, solitary activity, one where I have something physical to show for all my hours spent by myself. It also gives me time to think. I did a lot of thinking yesterday. I mean, okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking this whole time, but it takes a while for my brain to sort through things. It's the sort of thing where I wonder, what if I had never done X? What if I took away this major part of my life--where would I be now? I honestly have no idea. It amazes me that one little point in time can adjust the trajectory of your life to such a degree. If I hadn't made X choice all those years ago, if the spark to induce the want to do X thing hadn't happened… Everything in my life would be different. Everything. Again, sewing allows my mind to roam and think through so many different things. It's always so busy anyway; I'm just glad it's not so busy right now as to prevent me from sleeping. Well, okay, maybe a little, but I have been sleeping some.
I felt a little more normal when I got up this morning. I did have breakfast; I am doing laundry, because that's what we do on a typical Sunday. I'm still thinking about things, though. Wondering if it's time to change the trajectory of my life. How to go about that. How to find a way to be happy for other people when truthfully it makes me sad. I've been trying to run through scenarios in my head, but I know that no matter what I come up with, real life never happens that way. I can plan for anything I can think of, any plausible reaction, yet I'm always surprised by the real outcome. Sometimes you get to a point where you realize you should still do certain things, regardless of what happens. It's terrifying. I don't know when I might get that chance; I don't know how things will be altered, only that they will. Perhaps someday I'll explain everything; I wouldn't necessarily count on it, though. I just…I think I may have reached my breaking point. If I don't do something soon, I may break entirely. This isn't something I want to have happen, but the way my brain works, I know it's different from others. I know it's wired in such a way that it takes something mundane and twists it around. This recent situation made me realize, I am why I can't have nice things. Do I want to have nice things? Do I want to take steps to go about that? What exactly would I need to do? Is it something simple or complex? These are some of the things I'm mulling over. For the current situation, it might be something relatively simple. Long term, who knows. But at times I feel like I'm trying to shove things into little boxes that just won't fit. I need to find another way.