(no subject)
it's so endlessly frustrating when you get something that you want. well, when you get several things you want all at the same time. i don't really understand why it bugs me, but it does. i have had several things fall into place for me. i mean, some of it is 'bad' and some of it 'good,' but it has all taken me in the direction i want to go. its so funny to say something like 'in the direction i want to go' because that is something that i cannot really define, but i feel its true. my life is always topsy-turvy, but that happens when you are a crazy mess and i have come to terms with that. its just so odd when so many disjointed things all happen in a relatively short time that end in a positive. we're all so used to seeing everything fall apart all at once, but its not as memorable or noteworthy when everything is going well. you know, like how no one writes in a journal if things have been going well for a while.
i don't know where i am going with this. i guess its these fights i've been getting in. the words i've been chosing, the secrets i've been holding. surprisingly, i've kept these secrets, held fast these moments that i treasure. and that is something that i have never been able to do. i feel like i'm playing a game with people who don't know that anything is going on. it's rather fun because when you 'win' you get to win, and when you 'lose' you can say that no one was playing by the rules. that and you can play god in ascribing intent on others and anticipating events based on assumptions from la-la land. not to say that i am playing games with people, that i am being evil or devious, i'm just making things more interesting to myself by putting my circumstances into a format i can easily relate to. that and seeing how right or wrong i am.
that and i am a little more than sure that there are those of you playing from home. but those kind of players are the worst. the ones that don't play until they feel that they can't lose. i dunno. the weird half-ass metaphor bores me now. i almost considered possibly making this stupid livejournal friends only. but what purpose would that serve? none, so i won't. that and it would never effect the important people so i can easily leave this open to all who would peruse what i offer.
(it's so frustrating to edit myself here- i used to be so sure of my seclusion here that i could freely say anything- but now i have to think what i want known and to whom. there are many who i would want to share most of these last few days with, and several more who i would not want to know anything.) you know who you are. hate it or not, certain things can't be divulged. i kind of feel like i am changing. and i am happy about that. i feel like i am leaving a lot of things behind, but i think i can handle that. james is one of those things. i think i built up how a relationship with him could have been. not that i saw us together forever with kids, a dog, or whatever-- i could make up whatever scenario i wanted because i couldn't imagine how it would really be. other than the exact same as our current relationship. all i can say is that i am reasonably sure his interests have shifted and i am not what i used to be in his eyes. and that's fine.
god- its so odd to withhold so much information. anyone who knows me i am all about the sharing of information.. i love to share what i have and who i am with everyone. though anyone close enough to me will say that i am crytpic beyond belief and tighter than a drum with what goes on inside, but i, in all honesty, don't claim the intelligence to work so hard and think that far in advance. i run on luck and coincidence, not forethought or scheming. anyway, it is an entirely new feeling for me not to have any confidants and i will admit that this luxury of annoying alluding to things feels like i am almost betraying my secrets (which i am under no impetus to keep-- this is all my own doing because it simply feels right). i suppose that even though i can't talk about the content of my secrets, i will sure as hell talk about them as much as possible because it is my only outlet. i wonder how this entry would have gone had one or two small, split second decisions been different. coincidence and luck- that really is all my life is. i love that though. i could have sat for another minute, i could have not answered that particular call. i could have said no, i could have said yes. i could have showered that morning. i could have been a different brand of crazy that night. i could have been mean. i could have tried to hard. i could still blab it all now. i could jinx it all. but i didn't. but i won't. the cynic in my says 'i'll let it start and fail all on its own,' but i hope that what will be will be and life will run its course. i'm not sure how much choice i think i have in my life. that really doesn't bother me though. being passive is not bad. following a path, an ideal, a fate. like i always argue, if it feels like free will, that is enough. i dunno. i anticipate my happy life, i just have to make it through to that point. all this other stuff is shaping what will be and... well, even if i have to manifest my own happiness- i think that this flowing aspect of my intention is a necessary phase in my life. i just really want to reconnect with what i want. that and maybe see a doctor. i do worry that the job i am going to get will not work out well for me, but we'll see. i'll make it work, like i usually do.
ps- i promise i'll shower soon! it's been like three days and i feel rather gross. in anticipation of everyone's complaint as to why i won't go write now i say, 'it's damn late and i will shower in the morning.. and i hate sleeping on wet hair!' so there. oh and i want this fucking thesis to be over omg! its ruining my mentality.. i'll be so happy to have to deal with all my normal work that is piling up.
i don't know where i am going with this. i guess its these fights i've been getting in. the words i've been chosing, the secrets i've been holding. surprisingly, i've kept these secrets, held fast these moments that i treasure. and that is something that i have never been able to do. i feel like i'm playing a game with people who don't know that anything is going on. it's rather fun because when you 'win' you get to win, and when you 'lose' you can say that no one was playing by the rules. that and you can play god in ascribing intent on others and anticipating events based on assumptions from la-la land. not to say that i am playing games with people, that i am being evil or devious, i'm just making things more interesting to myself by putting my circumstances into a format i can easily relate to. that and seeing how right or wrong i am.
that and i am a little more than sure that there are those of you playing from home. but those kind of players are the worst. the ones that don't play until they feel that they can't lose. i dunno. the weird half-ass metaphor bores me now. i almost considered possibly making this stupid livejournal friends only. but what purpose would that serve? none, so i won't. that and it would never effect the important people so i can easily leave this open to all who would peruse what i offer.
(it's so frustrating to edit myself here- i used to be so sure of my seclusion here that i could freely say anything- but now i have to think what i want known and to whom. there are many who i would want to share most of these last few days with, and several more who i would not want to know anything.) you know who you are. hate it or not, certain things can't be divulged. i kind of feel like i am changing. and i am happy about that. i feel like i am leaving a lot of things behind, but i think i can handle that. james is one of those things. i think i built up how a relationship with him could have been. not that i saw us together forever with kids, a dog, or whatever-- i could make up whatever scenario i wanted because i couldn't imagine how it would really be. other than the exact same as our current relationship. all i can say is that i am reasonably sure his interests have shifted and i am not what i used to be in his eyes. and that's fine.
god- its so odd to withhold so much information. anyone who knows me i am all about the sharing of information.. i love to share what i have and who i am with everyone. though anyone close enough to me will say that i am crytpic beyond belief and tighter than a drum with what goes on inside, but i, in all honesty, don't claim the intelligence to work so hard and think that far in advance. i run on luck and coincidence, not forethought or scheming. anyway, it is an entirely new feeling for me not to have any confidants and i will admit that this luxury of annoying alluding to things feels like i am almost betraying my secrets (which i am under no impetus to keep-- this is all my own doing because it simply feels right). i suppose that even though i can't talk about the content of my secrets, i will sure as hell talk about them as much as possible because it is my only outlet. i wonder how this entry would have gone had one or two small, split second decisions been different. coincidence and luck- that really is all my life is. i love that though. i could have sat for another minute, i could have not answered that particular call. i could have said no, i could have said yes. i could have showered that morning. i could have been a different brand of crazy that night. i could have been mean. i could have tried to hard. i could still blab it all now. i could jinx it all. but i didn't. but i won't. the cynic in my says 'i'll let it start and fail all on its own,' but i hope that what will be will be and life will run its course. i'm not sure how much choice i think i have in my life. that really doesn't bother me though. being passive is not bad. following a path, an ideal, a fate. like i always argue, if it feels like free will, that is enough. i dunno. i anticipate my happy life, i just have to make it through to that point. all this other stuff is shaping what will be and... well, even if i have to manifest my own happiness- i think that this flowing aspect of my intention is a necessary phase in my life. i just really want to reconnect with what i want. that and maybe see a doctor. i do worry that the job i am going to get will not work out well for me, but we'll see. i'll make it work, like i usually do.
ps- i promise i'll shower soon! it's been like three days and i feel rather gross. in anticipation of everyone's complaint as to why i won't go write now i say, 'it's damn late and i will shower in the morning.. and i hate sleeping on wet hair!' so there. oh and i want this fucking thesis to be over omg! its ruining my mentality.. i'll be so happy to have to deal with all my normal work that is piling up.