on being so tacky as to be Sith.
god, despite its horrors, one must love youtube. i mean, spaghetti town is simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating. even better is "Take it in the Ass" which i just saw posted on a friends livejournal. i really need to change my profile picture on here, the "shit eating grin" is really not me and it gets on my nerves.
more update on me (that no one cares about :P):
i've recently learned that i have a huge wellspring of emotion that has been living just under the surface. more metaphysically classified: i have recently met my inner child. it seems to me, that i can understand a lot of what has been going on in my life based on this. i have always had this smug kind of satisfaction in being sad. I believe that that warm snugly is my inner child happily being acknowledged. but there is another side to that coin. he is rather pissed off. and i would argue for good reason, but still. that anger is rather potent and a little overwhelming. not that i can even pretend that i dislike it even a little. there is something so nice in being drowned in a very real emotion that i have denied myself for so long.
anger does not go away. it does not dissolve into something passive or pliant. it crouches down into itself and gathers strength for the inevitable pounce. that pounced happened, but the anger didn't so much burst as just rise up inside of me. a red-eyed fuming rage is only a drop away now and its an odd feeling. i assume that i have always been an angry boy, but shit i feel it now. and it is rather exciting.
so i have decided that i must be a slytherin sith. because i mean: i am only happy when i am sad. i am only powerful when i am exuding rage and scaring the shit out of everyone around. i like the fact that i have an honest ounce of something in me. and that something empowers me. that may be the worst part (to others). i feel honest and justified in being mad. in exploding. in punching walls. in breaking cabinets. in throwing something as hard as i can just to see it shatter. (its a good thing that i forget about plates and glasses when i was so drunk or i would have broken every single piece to be sure.) its so nice to be open to a part of myself that feels i have denied for so long, not to mention it feels so good too.
i find that the truth is rather tedious when wrapped in a metaphor. while flowery and pretty, it loses the punch it would gain (allegedly) in connotation. when you speak about life in terms of acting and stage, that is what you think it is. it is an act, a role, a part, a stage. as much as we treat it that way, it is not a play. it is not words on a page- at least not a page that has come before we write it down. honesty is honesty. it hurts being it is blunt, and if its subtle its a little truth. truth is a club that beats away all the other shit. when you wrap a pvc pipe in padding a call it a sword, that is not the truth. a sword that cuts is the truth. SEE. the weakness of a metaphor. just say something without other words. its cute and all, but it doesn't mean a lot to anyone looking for something real.
i can't wait to explore my inner child. i look forward to getting acquainted with him (that is a hard sentence to say- i have to try to think about him as a him.. i don't know. that may be part of the problem to begin with). i don't expect to be angry forever, but i have to honestly experience that part of myself. i have to actually feel something real and right now that is the years of hate and anger that have built up. i will work through it as everyone does and then i will know what to do next.
i would also like to talk about the benefits of tai chi. my teacher, ron, always says to look inward, to delve deep during meditation. i have always found meditation to be incredibly focusing, but i have yet to be able to delve within. i start with a huge, supreme knowledge of my body. i feel every nerve, every bit of my skin all at once. i feel my breath enter and leave my body. i feel every atom in and near me. but not inside. and then this consciousness expands outward. i become hyper-aware of my surroundings. i know everything that is going on around me. even with my eyes closed. but i tend to want to look around with my acute vision. now that i have had so many new emotional experiences within i am rethinking the inability i felt at traveling inward. i must have opened up inside. there is no coincidence that these events have all corresponded so well. i have delved deeper, or at least opened up, in a subconscious way to what i have inside. that has probably led me to sate the need to know myself which allows me to leave every session feeling so good. until the sexual frustration of my life takes over once again. i could care less about the boy standing next to me during class. i feel the need to experience my life when in tai chi. i want nothing more than to feel my body moving and taking great delight in exploring all of it. class ends: poof, curtains go down. and all i want is for the love affair i know could be to start between me and that kid. who's name i can never remember. that's the way it goes though.
all i know is that i need training. and i say fuck this. since no one will help i will do it myself. watch out. its all about bene tleilax, if not bene gesserit, if not something.
more update on me (that no one cares about :P):
i've recently learned that i have a huge wellspring of emotion that has been living just under the surface. more metaphysically classified: i have recently met my inner child. it seems to me, that i can understand a lot of what has been going on in my life based on this. i have always had this smug kind of satisfaction in being sad. I believe that that warm snugly is my inner child happily being acknowledged. but there is another side to that coin. he is rather pissed off. and i would argue for good reason, but still. that anger is rather potent and a little overwhelming. not that i can even pretend that i dislike it even a little. there is something so nice in being drowned in a very real emotion that i have denied myself for so long.
anger does not go away. it does not dissolve into something passive or pliant. it crouches down into itself and gathers strength for the inevitable pounce. that pounced happened, but the anger didn't so much burst as just rise up inside of me. a red-eyed fuming rage is only a drop away now and its an odd feeling. i assume that i have always been an angry boy, but shit i feel it now. and it is rather exciting.
so i have decided that i must be a slytherin sith. because i mean: i am only happy when i am sad. i am only powerful when i am exuding rage and scaring the shit out of everyone around. i like the fact that i have an honest ounce of something in me. and that something empowers me. that may be the worst part (to others). i feel honest and justified in being mad. in exploding. in punching walls. in breaking cabinets. in throwing something as hard as i can just to see it shatter. (its a good thing that i forget about plates and glasses when i was so drunk or i would have broken every single piece to be sure.) its so nice to be open to a part of myself that feels i have denied for so long, not to mention it feels so good too.
i find that the truth is rather tedious when wrapped in a metaphor. while flowery and pretty, it loses the punch it would gain (allegedly) in connotation. when you speak about life in terms of acting and stage, that is what you think it is. it is an act, a role, a part, a stage. as much as we treat it that way, it is not a play. it is not words on a page- at least not a page that has come before we write it down. honesty is honesty. it hurts being it is blunt, and if its subtle its a little truth. truth is a club that beats away all the other shit. when you wrap a pvc pipe in padding a call it a sword, that is not the truth. a sword that cuts is the truth. SEE. the weakness of a metaphor. just say something without other words. its cute and all, but it doesn't mean a lot to anyone looking for something real.
i can't wait to explore my inner child. i look forward to getting acquainted with him (that is a hard sentence to say- i have to try to think about him as a him.. i don't know. that may be part of the problem to begin with). i don't expect to be angry forever, but i have to honestly experience that part of myself. i have to actually feel something real and right now that is the years of hate and anger that have built up. i will work through it as everyone does and then i will know what to do next.
i would also like to talk about the benefits of tai chi. my teacher, ron, always says to look inward, to delve deep during meditation. i have always found meditation to be incredibly focusing, but i have yet to be able to delve within. i start with a huge, supreme knowledge of my body. i feel every nerve, every bit of my skin all at once. i feel my breath enter and leave my body. i feel every atom in and near me. but not inside. and then this consciousness expands outward. i become hyper-aware of my surroundings. i know everything that is going on around me. even with my eyes closed. but i tend to want to look around with my acute vision. now that i have had so many new emotional experiences within i am rethinking the inability i felt at traveling inward. i must have opened up inside. there is no coincidence that these events have all corresponded so well. i have delved deeper, or at least opened up, in a subconscious way to what i have inside. that has probably led me to sate the need to know myself which allows me to leave every session feeling so good. until the sexual frustration of my life takes over once again. i could care less about the boy standing next to me during class. i feel the need to experience my life when in tai chi. i want nothing more than to feel my body moving and taking great delight in exploring all of it. class ends: poof, curtains go down. and all i want is for the love affair i know could be to start between me and that kid. who's name i can never remember. that's the way it goes though.
all i know is that i need training. and i say fuck this. since no one will help i will do it myself. watch out. its all about bene tleilax, if not bene gesserit, if not something.