on account of my sanity :P
i am so sure that i need more children in my life. i kind of don't want to go to school anymore and have a kid and a job and just be soooooo content raising that best little person ever. i am pretty much given up on my dreams of being Hari Seldon. i know i will never be a main character, and that makes all the effort just not worth it. to get a governmental job you have to have a clean mental health record, including never going to therapy or taking medication. i don't know why, but that is a huge preventative in me taking any kind of mental health initiative. i mean, it's always worked out in the past, so who cares. i just want to go to the reiki circle that is going to happen, though i want to say that it happened today. that's nothing new. so i was in a horrible possible tonight. the first party was nice, there were nice older men who oggled only a bit but were still completely unlecherous. this second party was full of two things (three really): old, fat, and really gross men; boys (literally) in panties and nothing else; and me. it was so unsettling. it is also creepy that despite the twinkfest, i was the best option. these boys were burn outs though who were drugged and despondent on their best of nights. the old men just raked me with their eyes until i had no clothes left. and of course alan made me dance. which didn not help. one man asked me for the title of Basic Instinct. i told him and he turns to the other man and says, that's the movie i couldn't think of... and i was like eww. he looks back at me and says, we've been waiting for the sharon stone moment all night. upon showing him that i was wearing shorts under my smock of doom (i was caesar in a full toga), he was beyond upset and pouty. he went on to talk about the three things that any gay party needed are booze, boys in underwear, and music for them to dance to.. i was a little bit disgusted. i dunno. i just hate that that felt so typical. i have been in situations like that before, but i have never been brought to one intentionally by a friend.. i dunno. all i do know is that romeo and juliet by tchaikovsky is the only thing that makes tonight worth having happened. i have been debating making a phone call of late. this phone will do one of two things. straighten out all the kinks in my life and let me move in a fashion which i desperately crave, or it will send me into another tail spin which could lead to my very real doom. i mean i've been hunting around for a knife sharp enough to draw blood for weeks now. but aside from that. i am just so chicken shit to do something that would have a real effect on my life. i don't like affective things, not when i have to initiate them. we have all seen how spectacularly incapable i am at starting anything, i mean, i am only moderately okay at dealing with what comes my way. god, for all that tchaikovsky has come to represent cliche and tacky things to us poor americans, this music is still just so moving to me. i feel my soul swaying around inside of me. i can feel the qi just pulsing and waiting to explode into the universe in such an ecstatic state. it's this kind of auditory power that pushes life along for me. that and smells. i just hate that. i still smell fransisco if i am not careful. i need a mentor. i need someone who will not rape me for money but still teach me the things that i need to know. i don't understand that. i did not ask for a lot of the things in my life, but someone will help me with it for a hefty sum. that sucks. it makes sense as a punishment, and maybe that is the point that i am missing. though it will take a lot to make me see all these things as punishment and not a gift. i just have no control. and no money to pay for it.. existence just gives and it takes and i will learn to live with that. or i will learn to do something about it. i've always wondered if suicide is as random as people think. that that might be part of some plan. i dunno. i can't see. i can't think. i probably can't smell. but i can feel, and i can touch, and i can hear. i think i am going to go with that. i am going to stop talking. or talking in excess. let people say what they like. fuck that. i am so over everyone's expectations of me. i am over it, but i am still in this world. so i am going to do my best. i just need to get my shit together. maybe that means writing those essays, maybe that means doing something for once. and i suppose i can at least try. i haven't been trying. i have been being and i think that that distance has helped a little bit. music therapy if you will. i dunno. the people i can talk to i don't want to or it just isn't right. the person i can't talk to is the only one in the world i want to talk to. that's always the case though isn't it? i think so. i'm covered in bruises and i have no idea why. i assume that i know why, but that would only make sense if i lived on the moon. though i would argue that if i thought i lived on the moon enough it would amount to the same thing. which is completely possible. because i am mentally like a rock. anyway, i am going to the gym tomorrow, i am going to work out, i am going to make it work.. i am going to become what i want. i am going to make people sad. though this is the reason i will fail. i can enact change on myself, but not on anyone else. and that is of so little use to me. i really could give a shit about myself, but god damn there are people that i want to change. i don't want to change them, i want to change how they feel. which is the same thing, which is why it never works. i want to sow regret as far as the eye can see and beyond. i want to be that person that you think about and agonize over because you wrote me off so long ago. and i could do that. i could become that person who could do that. but it wouldn't change them. they wouldn't feel that way. and then it has no value to me. it's a horrid circle of me not letting me be a bad person. i just hate it when i meet someone i think might break that cycle. someone who will take me as i am. and then i will be able to change. because then it won't be for the selfish, resentful reason, and my soul will let it happen. i hate it when that person shows up and i feel the universe shift a little and i know that a moment of change and significance is all around me. and then it goes poof. the other person is like what the fuck ever, and i am left behind. i am in one of those failed moments still. that is what is killing me. i know that i have it in me to be something that is beyond right now. i just know that there is a lock on it and i am waiting for the key. the key is also not zoloft. but more important than that, i just don't have that right person. i can feel it. right now, this source of something is just waiting to pour out, and jesus christ do i want to enact something that might mean something. it is the worst feeling in the world to know that this slim layer of skin is all that is keeping me and the universe from .. from doing something. and now i sound completely sane, and not to mention as far from creepy new age as the republican party. i just hate that another person is the key to me. i know who that person is right now. i know. i have known. to bad that ship sailed for them ages ago. i need to break that bond. i need to set that piece of me free again so that i might find it again. god damn. i am just so scared that doing it again (because i tried once so long ago) will snap me. i am so close to it anyway. i suppose i can look at it like i am not doing anyone any good as i am so i might as well try. geh, i dunno. i am tired of sounding crazy. i am tired of waiting. i am tired. happy day light savings.