(no subject)
Two things, I don't expect you to understand what I'm saying, or a fraction even of whats racing through my mind. I just need a place to fill with these stupid emotions.
One, fucking stupid overpriced chicken rice place. The food gave me a sore throat, it sucked okay? Stupid traffic jams. From the way the roads were so overfull today I knew we should not have gone out, every moment spent in the car, my blood pressure rachetted up more and more and my dad kept on fucking sighing, please stop STOP. I know it sucks. Can we go home? Of course fuck NO we cannot. So we went there, I made a terrible decision to have a soda and thats like a quarter kilo of white suger and fizz. Tasted fake and oh things, I don't know if they're real anymore.
Two, I've felt horrible the whole day. Ghastly. I don't know why. Stomach trouble. Heart trouble. Mental trouble. When is it going to end? I want to dig my heart out from where it beat behind these bones and fats. I want to tear my face apart. I wish-- unsayable.
The things I say don't mean a thing anymore. Dad got soooo angry about the price of the food and fuck I KNOW WE SHOULD JUST NEVER GO OUT ANYMORE. I never asked to eat there. The fuck. I don't know anymore. Like I said, nothing is real anymoire, the world is just --something. Papercut out shapes. I cannot stand flesh anymore. And really this is goodbye id say except i know im still here and im still going to be here. spinning. and screwed.