Sigh
After having a really really long talk with Chase that should have made me feel better, all I feel is worse. I don't know what it is right now, I think it's the mountains of homework (seriously like five days' worth) that I can't crawl out from underneath, and dodging it isn't going to work any longer, I'm down to the wire and I can't pass English if I don't write this essay, but I can't write it. I can't pull 500 words out of my butt and I don't know why because I've been able to do it many times before. Why is now any different? Why am I failing already? My new year's resolution: Not to miss an assignment. I already have two or three missing assignments in Newspaper, a class I would have dropped had they not made me the managing editor. I don't know if I should just leave them behind and start afresh right here, right now, or attempt to do them. I am almost caught up in my mountains of reading for American Literature and I have a worksheet (very easy) to do for Marriage and Family, if I would just get around to doing it.
The thing I talked about with me and Chase is my constant feelings of worthlessness. I was so "in it" last year. I had Drama to look forward to every day, when I was the stage manager, I was in charge, I could create, and have it look amazing! Painting (which I'm also way behind in- didn't know it was possible to be behind in painting) is not fulfilling the "creative" quotient that I wanted to fill, and I really really can't see myself clawing my way to the top of the drama echelons here at this school because frankly, I don't feel like it would be worth anything. Fiddler was great but one of my other fundamental problems (aside from the Dysthymia) is that I don't feel happy in anything unless I am in charge of it. Whatever it is. Drama last year, AFA (I wouldn't have been a part of it if I wasn't in charge, or partly in charge, but you know what I mean.) I want to be "in my element" and I haven't felt "in my element" ONCE the whole time I've been at this school. I feel so trapped! I don't think it's neccessarily the midwest that is trapping me, but I think it's the people. I don't feel accepted by people by and large. I do have some friends who really accept me, but I don't know! I haven't felt like this all semester so far so why now?!
I feel betrayed by Justin. Not betrayed, more like abandoned. He has all these people (read: Charissa and Amber, etc..) that he gets along with and would rather hang out with me. This isn't a sudden thing, don't point your finger at me and say "it's cause you have a boyfriend now" because that's not it at all. I've felt it for a while and it's part of the reason I don't feel bad 'leaving' him to date Chase. I feel like I was left first.
I felt bad today when he came into my room because I was in the middle of a discussion (fight?) with Chase so I couldn't give him my whole attention...
Is this post going anywhere? I don't think it is. I really don't like being this open with a lot of people. I don't know how I'm going to feel about pressing the post button. Sometimes I feel like I should be more secretive. Is it good to hang everything I feel out to dry? Does it make me a less complex person? Does it make me an attention whore?
BLEAH
Anyway, Deidra just showed me an amazing ABBA music video and my day took an up-turn right at the end. *Unenthusiastic yay*
Only 2 people have done this! http://kevan.org/johari?name=Sutashi
The thing I talked about with me and Chase is my constant feelings of worthlessness. I was so "in it" last year. I had Drama to look forward to every day, when I was the stage manager, I was in charge, I could create, and have it look amazing! Painting (which I'm also way behind in- didn't know it was possible to be behind in painting) is not fulfilling the "creative" quotient that I wanted to fill, and I really really can't see myself clawing my way to the top of the drama echelons here at this school because frankly, I don't feel like it would be worth anything. Fiddler was great but one of my other fundamental problems (aside from the Dysthymia) is that I don't feel happy in anything unless I am in charge of it. Whatever it is. Drama last year, AFA (I wouldn't have been a part of it if I wasn't in charge, or partly in charge, but you know what I mean.) I want to be "in my element" and I haven't felt "in my element" ONCE the whole time I've been at this school. I feel so trapped! I don't think it's neccessarily the midwest that is trapping me, but I think it's the people. I don't feel accepted by people by and large. I do have some friends who really accept me, but I don't know! I haven't felt like this all semester so far so why now?!
I feel betrayed by Justin. Not betrayed, more like abandoned. He has all these people (read: Charissa and Amber, etc..) that he gets along with and would rather hang out with me. This isn't a sudden thing, don't point your finger at me and say "it's cause you have a boyfriend now" because that's not it at all. I've felt it for a while and it's part of the reason I don't feel bad 'leaving' him to date Chase. I feel like I was left first.
I felt bad today when he came into my room because I was in the middle of a discussion (fight?) with Chase so I couldn't give him my whole attention...
Is this post going anywhere? I don't think it is. I really don't like being this open with a lot of people. I don't know how I'm going to feel about pressing the post button. Sometimes I feel like I should be more secretive. Is it good to hang everything I feel out to dry? Does it make me a less complex person? Does it make me an attention whore?
BLEAH
Anyway, Deidra just showed me an amazing ABBA music video and my day took an up-turn right at the end. *Unenthusiastic yay*
Only 2 people have done this! http://kevan.org/johari?name=Sutashi