Reflections on iai

[iai_adept]

I just returned from iai class. It is confirmed - I am NOT testing for Shodan next week.

Sensei was really sweet about it though. He said that he thought I would benefit from another year of working on my technique. I need to learn how to project power and confidence. I need to have it down so that performance nerves don't ruin the test.

He said

Comments

[iai_adept]

I don't mind.

I admit that I'm pretty disappointed. However, I agree with the decision and am resigned to waiting another year for Shodan. However, that means another year before I can buy our TRI handbook, another year before I can wear the pretty patterned, thin obi, and another year before I can order my shinken (self imposed restriction).

I know that if this was the only testing that was happening this year, the other two in my cohort probably wouldn't be testing either. However, we are sending a delegation to Japan in November this year and those two are part of the team who are going. I REALLY wanted to go because it sounded like a lot of fun. However, I went to Japan with my son last year for his graduation present which excluded me from applying to go this year.
They will be testing in Japan. With five more months to practice the way I have been practicing lately, I might have been allowed to test. Maybe not though. The performance pressure would have REALLY been intense testing over there.
It is hard to put a finger on what it is that freaks me out during performances. Because I know how I am, I practice intensely to prepare. I always do well because of the practice. Unless you know me very well, you can't even tell I am nervous. So, intellectually, I know I am ready. I even give myself "I know I am ready and I will do well and everyone wants me to succeed" pep talks. But, like you said, my body doesn't believe my mind and my fight or flight response kicks into overdrive.
Breathing deeply, meditating, relaxation exercises - none of it keeps it from happening.
I have prescription drugs which can tame my autonomic nervous system (Xanax) but I refuse to use drugs when I do martial arts. Actually, I refuse to use the drug any time I have to give a performance (though I will use it to relax myself enough to sleep the night before). Why? Because I am trying to overcome this problem and drugs are just a band-aid.
Continuing to put myself in these situations doesn't seem to be working though and I'm not sure what else to try.
At least I'm the only one affected by my nerves. No animals are counting on me and it doesn't seem to rub off on those around me.

[slobbit]

I won't actually rule out medication. I deal with ADHD and med issues enough that I consider targeted treatment more like eyeglasses than cover-ups. But part of it is just the freedom that keeping that avenue open gives.

But psychopharmaceuticals are a highly personal issue.

I've found that my reaction to the thought of testing has calmed down quite a bit, especially now I've made the decision -- so I know. And I'll grill my sensei and sempai, especially the very detail-oriented one who tested last year.

[iai_adept]

It sounds like you are totally ready for the test. Besides, your sensei wouldn't give you permission unless he knew you would succeed.
Good luck keeping that calm going during testing.

Just wondering: if your new sword is delivered before the test, would you test with it?

Re psychopharmaceuticals - I guess I resist using them for this because I have it in my head that I can overcome it by willpower alone. However, experience seems to be proving that assumption to be false. It's probably going to take more convincing before I try a medical solution (I can be pretty pig-headed sometimes). I did discuss the use of psychopharmaceuticals for testing with my sensei and though he didn't forbid it, he strongly encouraged non-drug approaches to this issue.

[slobbit]

If I get the sword near the end of July, I'll test with it. Anything less than three weeks, though, and no. It's going to be a smidge shorter (which should help my chronic tendinitis), and while it would provide an opportunity to show my composure if I run the sword completely off my fingers at notto, that's really something I'd rather not risk. ^_^;

Ah, willpower. That sounds dangerously close to resisting the feeling, and I'm sure you realize that you can't brute-force yourself into a state of calm.

Did I mention I used to be a childbirth educator and doula, who gave birth to her third child unassisted at home? ^_^ I'm all about yielding and breathing through -- another thing I think has given me a huge advantage in iai.

I still see it as a different issue than lack of confidence or simple nerves. More like stuttering. Something you can't easily stop, but with a great deal of practice you can improve.

I think I'll do okay. I've been through much tougher things in life than doing some waza in front of a bunch of other people. ^_^ I'll draw on those experiences to give me power and presence.

[darth_qonfused]

let me know when you're thinking about ordering a shinken and I'll point you at the less expensive alternatives to the Japanese blades (unless you've got a spare 10-20 grand hanging out...in which case, can I have some ;-))

[iai_adept]

I WISH I had an extra 10-20 grand lying around.
I would be happy to share if I had it.

I know that the typical starter shinken in our dojo is the Paul Chen Practical katana. I looked closely at those over Xmas but wasn't too impressed. However, I know they are reliably adequate and other swords of the same or slightly better quality are MUCH more expensive.