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[i_will]

Tell me something. Post it anonymously. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love: anything you want. Something about you, something about me, anything at all.

Be sure to post honestly. Post as many times as you want.

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SORRY FOR THE TL;DR THIS IS 1 OF 3 I THINK?

[i_will]

i didn't have anyone i could actually say i was dating until i was 19, and even then it was only online. i'd been kissed when i was 13 during spin-the-bottle, but that doesn't count. it was at my friend's birthday party. we also played seven minutes in heaven, and i remember just standing in her bathroom with one of her male friends just waiting for the clock to run out. he was a nice guy, but we were both awkward and had no interest in each other. i had crushes all through school, on boys and girls alike (my earliest was on a girl, around 7. my hardest was on a different girl, from 15 to 18. the most disappointing was on a boy, i think perhaps because i knew a crush on a boy had the most potential to actually happen, and when it didn't it stung, because i couldn't even get what i didn't really want).

i labeled myself as pansexual starting around 15 or 16, even though i came out to my sister as a lesbian when i was 16 and she was 12. she told me i was brave for admitting it at the time, even though later she would pressure me to "try men". i was deeply embarrassed by all things relating to love and especially sex because of my mother's attitude toward it, which was pretty much exuberant. constantly "did you talk to any boys? i bet he likes you. that guy was totally flirting with you" etc etc. it made me want to avoid boys because being near them embarrassed me because i felt pressured. time was running out and i hadn't had a boyfriend yet and that was clearly what i was supposed to do, you know? but all through high school i never got one. i never even had real male friends except as friends-of-friends, and one gay guy who was cool. i think he knew, or at least understood, somewhat.

i started coming to terms with really, actually being attracted to girls as a real, life-long thing around 17, but only as an "in addition to boys, because i must like boys" thing. i fell pretty much head-over-heels for my best friend, who had only been a crush to that point, but i didn't dare come out. there was a very, very small gay population at my high school; like maybe 5 or 6 kids who hung out with a sliiightly larger group of maybe 10. they were the kids who wore all black and dyed their hair weird colors and listened to linkin park unironically. pretty much everyone called them the "freaks," which they actually embraced. they made friends with other groups and i never noticed bullying but they still kept to themselves, and even if they were integrated there was still that stigma of not wanting to be one of "them". i actually tried to be like them for a while. i dressed like them, but i couldn't actually be like them. i was too vanilla. i was the kind of person who would say "dammit" and everyone would look at me and go "YOU CURSE?!" because i was a big geek. so i just stuck with my geeky crowd.