I Probably Shouldn't Be Showing You This
Dear Nick,
I write because talking has never seemed to be your forte, and because this is coming out tonight regardless of whether or not you’re willing to listen to it. Forgive the format; I’d rather be looking you in the eyes when you hear this.
You and I are not friends. We never have been. When you came into my life I pitied you. You were a broken boy, and the bedroom eyes you shot me from across the stoop made me believe I could do something about it. I’m not being prideful, but that’s probably the only thing you don’t know about our brief history.
But let me tell you a little of mine. I have sacrificed an undeterminable amount of time, and I believe a couple friendships, for the cause of ‘fixing’ you. You aren’t aware of the amount of shit I caught for even signing you into the building the other day, let alone after Jana caught wind of what happened. She knows. Alex knows. Eilis knows. Aja knowns. Mike knows. Sydney knows. Everyone on Livejournal now knows. I hope you weren’t planning on this being a quiet little affair.
The list of people who know about the last time you stole away to my room and kissed me is even longer. I got really depressed after it happened, and I told people. It was a depression that helped sabotage a pretty amazing friendship with Jasmine, one caused by your unwillingness to explain to me the situation I was in. I honestly care about you, so the interactions we’ve had actually affected me-only sometimes negatively.
I think we’ve had some pretty good times. I can still remember the face you made running away from that creepy guy at Harvard, us trying to do math at the fabric store it took us an hour to find, bumping knees under the table of the South Street Diner, and not being able to hit you with a single fry in the dining hall. I know I don’t have to narrate all this to you, you lived it too. But I guess it feels like you forget sometimes.
I think the problem was that I’d allotted you a certain weight, somewhere along the way, that you don’t really carry. And this is why I say to you now, we are not friends. Friends, however occasionally, show concern for the general interest of one another-a relationship I cannot say we share. The fact of the matter is that you’ve blatantly used me to satisfy your own loneliness. This is what I wanted to say to you in person the most, because you couldn’t possibly look me in the eyes and say that you’ve given me any regard in all of this; before, during, or after.
Hereby know that this situation will not again occur. I don’t know if you recall, but the only condition I gave the last time I “forgave” the same hit-and-run transgression was to be given some respect. I guess I haven’t been enforcing that as well as I should have been. As you’ve already read, I care about you Nick, and I don’t want this to be our undoing, but you have one last chance to stay in my life, and that is to come clean right now, about your intentions. No coded words, no avoidance-I need and deserve to hear what is on your mind, once and for all.
It will hurt me, a lot actually, to say goodbye to you, but I’ll do it. The game could end this turn; it would be sad, but I don’t play games I don’t stand a chance of winning.
Love,
Rusty
I write because talking has never seemed to be your forte, and because this is coming out tonight regardless of whether or not you’re willing to listen to it. Forgive the format; I’d rather be looking you in the eyes when you hear this.
You and I are not friends. We never have been. When you came into my life I pitied you. You were a broken boy, and the bedroom eyes you shot me from across the stoop made me believe I could do something about it. I’m not being prideful, but that’s probably the only thing you don’t know about our brief history.
But let me tell you a little of mine. I have sacrificed an undeterminable amount of time, and I believe a couple friendships, for the cause of ‘fixing’ you. You aren’t aware of the amount of shit I caught for even signing you into the building the other day, let alone after Jana caught wind of what happened. She knows. Alex knows. Eilis knows. Aja knowns. Mike knows. Sydney knows. Everyone on Livejournal now knows. I hope you weren’t planning on this being a quiet little affair.
The list of people who know about the last time you stole away to my room and kissed me is even longer. I got really depressed after it happened, and I told people. It was a depression that helped sabotage a pretty amazing friendship with Jasmine, one caused by your unwillingness to explain to me the situation I was in. I honestly care about you, so the interactions we’ve had actually affected me-only sometimes negatively.
I think we’ve had some pretty good times. I can still remember the face you made running away from that creepy guy at Harvard, us trying to do math at the fabric store it took us an hour to find, bumping knees under the table of the South Street Diner, and not being able to hit you with a single fry in the dining hall. I know I don’t have to narrate all this to you, you lived it too. But I guess it feels like you forget sometimes.
I think the problem was that I’d allotted you a certain weight, somewhere along the way, that you don’t really carry. And this is why I say to you now, we are not friends. Friends, however occasionally, show concern for the general interest of one another-a relationship I cannot say we share. The fact of the matter is that you’ve blatantly used me to satisfy your own loneliness. This is what I wanted to say to you in person the most, because you couldn’t possibly look me in the eyes and say that you’ve given me any regard in all of this; before, during, or after.
Hereby know that this situation will not again occur. I don’t know if you recall, but the only condition I gave the last time I “forgave” the same hit-and-run transgression was to be given some respect. I guess I haven’t been enforcing that as well as I should have been. As you’ve already read, I care about you Nick, and I don’t want this to be our undoing, but you have one last chance to stay in my life, and that is to come clean right now, about your intentions. No coded words, no avoidance-I need and deserve to hear what is on your mind, once and for all.
It will hurt me, a lot actually, to say goodbye to you, but I’ll do it. The game could end this turn; it would be sad, but I don’t play games I don’t stand a chance of winning.
Love,
Rusty