awakenings the ninety-eighth;
I was alone.
It was otherwise what you would expect, the sort of thing many wish for themselves or their loved ones - a quiet passing. I had planned it that way, and it was no mistake that there was no one there to witness it. It would have been too much to ask for someone to have been there and it would likely only have made me feel a little better about the event itself. Besides which, mortality is a solitary journey in nature. You can bring a companion with you, but you shouldn't.
In lieu of the reassuring words of a friend, I reminded myself that I had done everything I could. Nothing had been forgotten, every task had been taken as far as I could complete it at that time. With some guilt and every bit of faith in what would happen afterwards, I left my affairs in the hands of children who had yet to be born. I wanted to apologize, having left a bit of a mess, but this was not possible at the time and I was confident - no, I knew - that everything would be alright. Every preparation had been made.
I had even remembered to turn the oven off.
I had informed everyone I could of my passing, to the disbelief of most of them. I realized with some dismay, but no surprise, that I could not have faked my own death if I had wanted to because I was apparently believed to be beyond mortality. I suppose I did give off that impression, somewhat intentionally at that. I didn't want anyone to have to wonder what would happen if I did suddenly disappear, since it was obvious that my affairs could not be resolved quickly or cleanly. Yet, even as I toyed with things I shouldn't have been toying with and broke rules and made a mess of things I spent much of my life preparing to clean up after myself as much as possible. It hadn't been easy to avoid mentioning my plans to anyone before it was time, but what few mistakes I did make along those lines were... fixed. Rectified in a manner that I am not proud of, but which was utterly necessary. At least, that is how I justify, to myself, my transgressions against my own moral code.
So, when all was said and done I had given everyone only as much warning as I could without worrying that they'd try to stop me somehow. You can't stop death, but I wasn't about to give anyone any ideas in that department. I can only imagine what some of them might have come up with if they had only known a bit sooner. It's strange when I think about it, how much I had to fight just to die when so many others spend their lives doing the opposite. I know that it was because I was loved, but there are so many others who must be equally missed when they go and yet do so easily. I suppose that if I hadn't had so many other things to do I could have done the same, just forgotten the date of my death and allowed myself to simply slip away under whatever circumstances may have arisen without my careful planning. Could I even have been happy with the sort of life that might have led up to such an end?
I never actually said goodbye and I don't know of the effect that this had on everyone else. Perhaps - hopefully - there was none. Even after all that time I couldn't accept what was happening, couldn't let go. I didn't even know, towards the end, whether I had orchestrated my own reincarnation because I was weary of life or afraid of death. Or was it simply another obligation, as dying itself was? Whatever the case, even knowing what my ultimate fate would be, I couldn't face the prospect of bidding farewell to those I loved so much. So I didn't. When death came for me I grabbed it by the wrist and ran headlong into the hereafter, quite unprepared in my haste and leaving the door wide open. It served my purposes at the time: I didn't look back, never entertained a single regret.
As you can see, I had no respect for myself in the end and that is where I made my mistakes. My plans were technically perfect, but if I had given myself a bit more consideration perhaps I could have avoided some of the pain I caused others. Even if some of them don't remember it, I do.
Perhaps that's why I'm here.
It was otherwise what you would expect, the sort of thing many wish for themselves or their loved ones - a quiet passing. I had planned it that way, and it was no mistake that there was no one there to witness it. It would have been too much to ask for someone to have been there and it would likely only have made me feel a little better about the event itself. Besides which, mortality is a solitary journey in nature. You can bring a companion with you, but you shouldn't.
In lieu of the reassuring words of a friend, I reminded myself that I had done everything I could. Nothing had been forgotten, every task had been taken as far as I could complete it at that time. With some guilt and every bit of faith in what would happen afterwards, I left my affairs in the hands of children who had yet to be born. I wanted to apologize, having left a bit of a mess, but this was not possible at the time and I was confident - no, I knew - that everything would be alright. Every preparation had been made.
I had even remembered to turn the oven off.
I had informed everyone I could of my passing, to the disbelief of most of them. I realized with some dismay, but no surprise, that I could not have faked my own death if I had wanted to because I was apparently believed to be beyond mortality. I suppose I did give off that impression, somewhat intentionally at that. I didn't want anyone to have to wonder what would happen if I did suddenly disappear, since it was obvious that my affairs could not be resolved quickly or cleanly. Yet, even as I toyed with things I shouldn't have been toying with and broke rules and made a mess of things I spent much of my life preparing to clean up after myself as much as possible. It hadn't been easy to avoid mentioning my plans to anyone before it was time, but what few mistakes I did make along those lines were... fixed. Rectified in a manner that I am not proud of, but which was utterly necessary. At least, that is how I justify, to myself, my transgressions against my own moral code.
So, when all was said and done I had given everyone only as much warning as I could without worrying that they'd try to stop me somehow. You can't stop death, but I wasn't about to give anyone any ideas in that department. I can only imagine what some of them might have come up with if they had only known a bit sooner. It's strange when I think about it, how much I had to fight just to die when so many others spend their lives doing the opposite. I know that it was because I was loved, but there are so many others who must be equally missed when they go and yet do so easily. I suppose that if I hadn't had so many other things to do I could have done the same, just forgotten the date of my death and allowed myself to simply slip away under whatever circumstances may have arisen without my careful planning. Could I even have been happy with the sort of life that might have led up to such an end?
I never actually said goodbye and I don't know of the effect that this had on everyone else. Perhaps - hopefully - there was none. Even after all that time I couldn't accept what was happening, couldn't let go. I didn't even know, towards the end, whether I had orchestrated my own reincarnation because I was weary of life or afraid of death. Or was it simply another obligation, as dying itself was? Whatever the case, even knowing what my ultimate fate would be, I couldn't face the prospect of bidding farewell to those I loved so much. So I didn't. When death came for me I grabbed it by the wrist and ran headlong into the hereafter, quite unprepared in my haste and leaving the door wide open. It served my purposes at the time: I didn't look back, never entertained a single regret.
As you can see, I had no respect for myself in the end and that is where I made my mistakes. My plans were technically perfect, but if I had given myself a bit more consideration perhaps I could have avoided some of the pain I caused others. Even if some of them don't remember it, I do.
Perhaps that's why I'm here.