The Woes of POTC characters Part 4
Disclaimer: I do not own POTC. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling and I am not her.
Now is Murtogg, Mulroy, Pintel, Ragetti, Jack the monkey, Cotton's parrot, & the dog's turn.
Jack: I think we have covered enough of “He-I-shall-not-name”, other characters can voice their complains.
Will: Do you mean that Voldermort just voiced his complain? When? How come I did not hear it? Where is he?
Jack: (shook his head) No, Will. Voldermort is “He-who-must-not-be-named”. I said “He-I-shall-not-name”, so they are different people, savvy?
Gibbs: It is bad luck to mention the Dark Lord’s name, it will bring him here.
Will: See, see, Gibbs also refers to Voldermort.
James: (rolled eyes) Oh, please. Who Jack meant by “He-I-shall-not-name” was Beckett.
Gibbs, you are not a Death Eater, only a pirate, so do not need to call Voldermort the Dark Lord. It is only a fictitious villain. Besides, we need to move on now before non-Harry Potter readers start to abandon reading the rest of this chapter.
(The author had to thank James for that.)
Jack: Wow, Norris, you do understand me a lot.
Mulroy: But we thought the Black Pearl and undead pirates were fictitious but they were not, were they? Were they? I am pretty confused.
Murtogg: Oh course, they were fictitious. They were not undead. Otherwise, how could we manage to shoot and catch then? We do not see the Black Pearl at the moment, do we?
James: My god, I think this is going to be a long day hearing them arguing, I want some aspirins except that they are not invented yet.
Jack: Hey, Mulroy and Murtogg are like the nice twins of Pintel and Ragetti, doppelgängers.
Will: Er, what do you mean by nice twins? Is that usually the evil twin? And what is a doppelgänger?
Jack: Well, nice twin is the opposite of evil twin, there are two of them on each side so I call them twins. Doppelgänger is like the body double or a look-alike person.
Will: You are carrying your dictionary today, aren’t you, Jack?
Jack: (grinned) No, I just read the “Word of the day” from Google this morning and just learned about doppelgänger.
Ragetti: Do you mean that Pintel and I look alike those two there, except we are the evil ones? How come we are the evil ones? Why not them?
Pintel: Yes, they do not have any wooden eyes or beard so can’t be our doubles. How come they are the nice ones?
James: Hey, that is because they are in the Navy so they are supposed to be the nice ones, savvy? Oops, did I just say savvy? (James covered his face with his hands, Jack grinned more widely) I think the right term will be the nice quadruplets, I am not too sure whether the quadruplet is with or without an “s”.
Elizabeth: Yes, I can see your point now, Jack. Pintel and Ragetti on one side and Murtogg and Mulroy on the other side keep pointless arguing so they are like two sides of the same coin.
Jack: Good that everyone has an accord now. Could we actually move on to the discussion about the woes, please? Hey, nice twins or quadruplets, do you have any complains? How about the evil twins or quadruplets? Norrie, can I just use twins instead? Keep saying quadruplets make my tongue twists and I have just had 4 bottles of rums so I am not in the best shape for tongue twister.
James: Why do I even care? I have hung around you too much to use the word savvy. Yes, you can use whatever terms you want while I try to remove my pirates’ vocabulary from my head.
Jack: It cannot be that bad, mate. I mean hanging around pirates is not that bad, hanging pirates is very very bad.
Beckett: No, it is not bad. I mean the latter one, hanging pirates, is in fact very good, I do not care much about the former one, the “hanging around pirates” part.
(All pirates or pirates wannabe stared at Beckett, if only staring could kill, the job of the author would be done)
Jack: Shut up, you-I-shall-not-name, ah using Becky is shorter actually, back to Becky then. I was just experimenting with different ways of expressing myself. Becky, I do not ask for your opinions, savvy? OK, nice or evil twins? Any complains?
Ragetti: I never get my new glass eye. It is just my luck I got caught after we were not cursed. Why did not I buy a glass eye before DMC started? Oh, we were on the run and we did not have money. I knew it. I should not spend my last hard earned money on the Bible. How come I suffer the same fate in the first and the second movie?
Jack: Well, at least you do not suffer worse fate like Norrie. You should be happy. Count your blessings and all that stuff. You were not eaten or drowned by the Kraken like the rest of my crew because you appeared in the first movie so the filmmakers decided to keep you as the comic relief.
(James did not comment on being called Norrie as he was still trying to remove the pirates’ vocabulary. Poor him, did not he know it is easy to pick up bad habits but it is harder to remove them?)
Pintel: How about me? How come I am still stuck with Ragetti? Can’t I have a better sidekick? Well, that is pretty much what I need to say.
Jack: Hey, you were not the main protagonist like me so you can’t have a sidekick. Well, the audience can’t imagine Ragetti without Pintel and vice versa so you have to be together. I was in fact surprised to see that both of you appeared in DMC at all. As for addressing your complain, same reply as Ragetti’s, see the above. I can’t keep repeating saying the same thing.
Mulroy: At least they appeared at DMC, unlike Murtogg and me. I still can’t confirm the existence of Black Pearl, undead pirates, or whether Jack Sparrow had been to Singapore. Now there is the myth of the Flying Dutchman, Davy Jones, and the Kraken as well. My poor brain can’t cope with so many legends in one story. Not to mention earlier discussion about Harry Potter who I can’t confirm the existence either.
Jack: That will be Captain Jack Sparrow, thank you very much. For the record, I had been to Singapore. How come nobody believed me when I told the truth?
(Will and the rest, except James, sniggered.)
Murtogg: About the Harry Potter world, of course it exists, otherwise how come so many people believe them or buy the books? The wizards just want us muggles to think that magic does not exist.
Jack: Mr. Murtogg, back to the discussion about the POTC movies please.
Murtogg: Well, my complain is I do not appear at DMC at all, possibly drowned in the hurricane, thanks to the ex-commodore who was frowning and shaking his head there. (James still tuned out from the conversation so would not give any comments.) How come I am stuck with Mulroy and always argue these pointless things with him? I might be in purgatory with him at the moment.
Jack: I do not think you are dead because you are here.
Will: That was opposite to what you said in the first chapter, about you might be dead but could be present so I needed to work on my suspension of disbelief (the author was amazed with Will’s good memory). In that case, Murtogg and Mulroy might be dead and could still be here.
Mulroy: Oh god, on top of this confusion, I can also be dead. I can never be sure whether I am alive.
Jack: Hey, Norrie did not mention who was in the ship with him during the hurricane so Murtogg and Mulroy could be alive. Besides, anything is possible for a fantasy movie. Mulroy, all the legends you mentioned earlier do exist, have you not watched the freaking POTC movies? I can’t say about the Harry Potter’s existence because that is not my place. As why Mulroy and Murtogg are always together, same reason as why Pintel and Ragetti are always together, comic reliefs. To prove my point about the existence of undead pirates, let me demonstrate this! (shot the monkey)
Jack the monkey: (screeched and jumped up and down in monkey fashion) This is what I want to complain about, inhumane treatments to me during DMC. What does Captain Jack think I am about? Moving target practice for shooting? I shall lodge my complains to PETA and we shall see what they have got to say.
Jack (the pirate, in case it is not clear): Hey, you are not a human so it is OK to be inhumane. It is all your faults that Barbossa got the medallion during the Interceptor and Black Pearl showdown. Besides, you are undead so what is wrong with being shot multiple times?
Barbossa: Hey, is that the way to treat my pet? You will pay for this Jack Sparrow.
Jack (the pirate): That will be Captain Sparrow for you, Hector. Let’s see what you are going to do. Are you going to eat more apples in front of me? Or mutiny me? I do not even have a ship to be mutinied at the moment, thanks to a certain lady and the Kraken.
(Elizabeth still had the grace to blush.)
The dog with the key: Can I lodge my complain as well? I have not got the damn bones that the pirates in the jail tried to bait me. The bone that Pintel and Ragetti offered me to get the key was too dry and old so it was not juicy. I do not know why they carried me on their boat to the cannibal island. I might get killed after being made as their god. This movie is really against animal rights, I won’t fall for using inhumane like Jack the monkey.
James: (who had finally recovered from trying to remove pirates’ vocabularies) Before anyone continues, who is the idiot that always puts the key at the dog’s neck and let the dog stay near the cells? If I know who is responsible, he or she will be fired. OK, go on now.
Jack (the pirate, scratch it, the author won’t keep using the pirate, if it is not ended with the monkey, it would be Jack as Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?): Well, that was because of the tradition in the POTC rides to have the dog with the key. At least you get your juicy bones in the cannibal island although you might be killed for that. I won’t assume that you will definitely die though as most characters that appear in the first movie do not die in the second movie, and I guess might be the third as well. What will the theme part be without the dog with the key if the dog was eaten by the cannibals?
Cotton’s parrot: I would like to complain as well. I do not really want to be Cotton’s parrot because Gibbs just interpreted what I said whatever way he liked, which he might be doing at the very moment (remember about what the author said earlier about the parrot did the talking and Gibbs interpreted it). Could I get another job like a postbird (1)?
Gibbs: Hey, give me a break. I do not get paid to do this interpretation anyway.
Jack: Cotton’s parrot. Your complain is not valid. It is your job anyway to talk for Cotton. You did not do any hard labour work, or get shot like Jack the monkey or possible get eaten like the dog with the key. You did not even get captured by the cannibals unlike the rest of us so you must be a one smart bird, at least smarter than a certain eunuch who said I can fight all of you like this for the whole day. You can work as a postbird if you want but that will be your second job without extra pay, you know people or animal need to work not only for the pay but also for job satisfaction.
Beckett: I disagree, every person or animal has their own price. Money/power/Davy Jones’ heart is the currency of this realm.
Jack: Shut up, Becky.
(1) To check about the postbird, please read the “Dear Captain Sparrow” chapter 2
Note:
No animal was harmed in the making of this parody.
Now is Murtogg, Mulroy, Pintel, Ragetti, Jack the monkey, Cotton's parrot, & the dog's turn.
Jack: I think we have covered enough of “He-I-shall-not-name”, other characters can voice their complains.
Will: Do you mean that Voldermort just voiced his complain? When? How come I did not hear it? Where is he?
Jack: (shook his head) No, Will. Voldermort is “He-who-must-not-be-named”. I said “He-I-shall-not-name”, so they are different people, savvy?
Gibbs: It is bad luck to mention the Dark Lord’s name, it will bring him here.
Will: See, see, Gibbs also refers to Voldermort.
James: (rolled eyes) Oh, please. Who Jack meant by “He-I-shall-not-name” was Beckett.
Gibbs, you are not a Death Eater, only a pirate, so do not need to call Voldermort the Dark Lord. It is only a fictitious villain. Besides, we need to move on now before non-Harry Potter readers start to abandon reading the rest of this chapter.
(The author had to thank James for that.)
Jack: Wow, Norris, you do understand me a lot.
Mulroy: But we thought the Black Pearl and undead pirates were fictitious but they were not, were they? Were they? I am pretty confused.
Murtogg: Oh course, they were fictitious. They were not undead. Otherwise, how could we manage to shoot and catch then? We do not see the Black Pearl at the moment, do we?
James: My god, I think this is going to be a long day hearing them arguing, I want some aspirins except that they are not invented yet.
Jack: Hey, Mulroy and Murtogg are like the nice twins of Pintel and Ragetti, doppelgängers.
Will: Er, what do you mean by nice twins? Is that usually the evil twin? And what is a doppelgänger?
Jack: Well, nice twin is the opposite of evil twin, there are two of them on each side so I call them twins. Doppelgänger is like the body double or a look-alike person.
Will: You are carrying your dictionary today, aren’t you, Jack?
Jack: (grinned) No, I just read the “Word of the day” from Google this morning and just learned about doppelgänger.
Ragetti: Do you mean that Pintel and I look alike those two there, except we are the evil ones? How come we are the evil ones? Why not them?
Pintel: Yes, they do not have any wooden eyes or beard so can’t be our doubles. How come they are the nice ones?
James: Hey, that is because they are in the Navy so they are supposed to be the nice ones, savvy? Oops, did I just say savvy? (James covered his face with his hands, Jack grinned more widely) I think the right term will be the nice quadruplets, I am not too sure whether the quadruplet is with or without an “s”.
Elizabeth: Yes, I can see your point now, Jack. Pintel and Ragetti on one side and Murtogg and Mulroy on the other side keep pointless arguing so they are like two sides of the same coin.
Jack: Good that everyone has an accord now. Could we actually move on to the discussion about the woes, please? Hey, nice twins or quadruplets, do you have any complains? How about the evil twins or quadruplets? Norrie, can I just use twins instead? Keep saying quadruplets make my tongue twists and I have just had 4 bottles of rums so I am not in the best shape for tongue twister.
James: Why do I even care? I have hung around you too much to use the word savvy. Yes, you can use whatever terms you want while I try to remove my pirates’ vocabulary from my head.
Jack: It cannot be that bad, mate. I mean hanging around pirates is not that bad, hanging pirates is very very bad.
Beckett: No, it is not bad. I mean the latter one, hanging pirates, is in fact very good, I do not care much about the former one, the “hanging around pirates” part.
(All pirates or pirates wannabe stared at Beckett, if only staring could kill, the job of the author would be done)
Jack: Shut up, you-I-shall-not-name, ah using Becky is shorter actually, back to Becky then. I was just experimenting with different ways of expressing myself. Becky, I do not ask for your opinions, savvy? OK, nice or evil twins? Any complains?
Ragetti: I never get my new glass eye. It is just my luck I got caught after we were not cursed. Why did not I buy a glass eye before DMC started? Oh, we were on the run and we did not have money. I knew it. I should not spend my last hard earned money on the Bible. How come I suffer the same fate in the first and the second movie?
Jack: Well, at least you do not suffer worse fate like Norrie. You should be happy. Count your blessings and all that stuff. You were not eaten or drowned by the Kraken like the rest of my crew because you appeared in the first movie so the filmmakers decided to keep you as the comic relief.
(James did not comment on being called Norrie as he was still trying to remove the pirates’ vocabulary. Poor him, did not he know it is easy to pick up bad habits but it is harder to remove them?)
Pintel: How about me? How come I am still stuck with Ragetti? Can’t I have a better sidekick? Well, that is pretty much what I need to say.
Jack: Hey, you were not the main protagonist like me so you can’t have a sidekick. Well, the audience can’t imagine Ragetti without Pintel and vice versa so you have to be together. I was in fact surprised to see that both of you appeared in DMC at all. As for addressing your complain, same reply as Ragetti’s, see the above. I can’t keep repeating saying the same thing.
Mulroy: At least they appeared at DMC, unlike Murtogg and me. I still can’t confirm the existence of Black Pearl, undead pirates, or whether Jack Sparrow had been to Singapore. Now there is the myth of the Flying Dutchman, Davy Jones, and the Kraken as well. My poor brain can’t cope with so many legends in one story. Not to mention earlier discussion about Harry Potter who I can’t confirm the existence either.
Jack: That will be Captain Jack Sparrow, thank you very much. For the record, I had been to Singapore. How come nobody believed me when I told the truth?
(Will and the rest, except James, sniggered.)
Murtogg: About the Harry Potter world, of course it exists, otherwise how come so many people believe them or buy the books? The wizards just want us muggles to think that magic does not exist.
Jack: Mr. Murtogg, back to the discussion about the POTC movies please.
Murtogg: Well, my complain is I do not appear at DMC at all, possibly drowned in the hurricane, thanks to the ex-commodore who was frowning and shaking his head there. (James still tuned out from the conversation so would not give any comments.) How come I am stuck with Mulroy and always argue these pointless things with him? I might be in purgatory with him at the moment.
Jack: I do not think you are dead because you are here.
Will: That was opposite to what you said in the first chapter, about you might be dead but could be present so I needed to work on my suspension of disbelief (the author was amazed with Will’s good memory). In that case, Murtogg and Mulroy might be dead and could still be here.
Mulroy: Oh god, on top of this confusion, I can also be dead. I can never be sure whether I am alive.
Jack: Hey, Norrie did not mention who was in the ship with him during the hurricane so Murtogg and Mulroy could be alive. Besides, anything is possible for a fantasy movie. Mulroy, all the legends you mentioned earlier do exist, have you not watched the freaking POTC movies? I can’t say about the Harry Potter’s existence because that is not my place. As why Mulroy and Murtogg are always together, same reason as why Pintel and Ragetti are always together, comic reliefs. To prove my point about the existence of undead pirates, let me demonstrate this! (shot the monkey)
Jack the monkey: (screeched and jumped up and down in monkey fashion) This is what I want to complain about, inhumane treatments to me during DMC. What does Captain Jack think I am about? Moving target practice for shooting? I shall lodge my complains to PETA and we shall see what they have got to say.
Jack (the pirate, in case it is not clear): Hey, you are not a human so it is OK to be inhumane. It is all your faults that Barbossa got the medallion during the Interceptor and Black Pearl showdown. Besides, you are undead so what is wrong with being shot multiple times?
Barbossa: Hey, is that the way to treat my pet? You will pay for this Jack Sparrow.
Jack (the pirate): That will be Captain Sparrow for you, Hector. Let’s see what you are going to do. Are you going to eat more apples in front of me? Or mutiny me? I do not even have a ship to be mutinied at the moment, thanks to a certain lady and the Kraken.
(Elizabeth still had the grace to blush.)
The dog with the key: Can I lodge my complain as well? I have not got the damn bones that the pirates in the jail tried to bait me. The bone that Pintel and Ragetti offered me to get the key was too dry and old so it was not juicy. I do not know why they carried me on their boat to the cannibal island. I might get killed after being made as their god. This movie is really against animal rights, I won’t fall for using inhumane like Jack the monkey.
James: (who had finally recovered from trying to remove pirates’ vocabularies) Before anyone continues, who is the idiot that always puts the key at the dog’s neck and let the dog stay near the cells? If I know who is responsible, he or she will be fired. OK, go on now.
Jack (the pirate, scratch it, the author won’t keep using the pirate, if it is not ended with the monkey, it would be Jack as Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?): Well, that was because of the tradition in the POTC rides to have the dog with the key. At least you get your juicy bones in the cannibal island although you might be killed for that. I won’t assume that you will definitely die though as most characters that appear in the first movie do not die in the second movie, and I guess might be the third as well. What will the theme part be without the dog with the key if the dog was eaten by the cannibals?
Cotton’s parrot: I would like to complain as well. I do not really want to be Cotton’s parrot because Gibbs just interpreted what I said whatever way he liked, which he might be doing at the very moment (remember about what the author said earlier about the parrot did the talking and Gibbs interpreted it). Could I get another job like a postbird (1)?
Gibbs: Hey, give me a break. I do not get paid to do this interpretation anyway.
Jack: Cotton’s parrot. Your complain is not valid. It is your job anyway to talk for Cotton. You did not do any hard labour work, or get shot like Jack the monkey or possible get eaten like the dog with the key. You did not even get captured by the cannibals unlike the rest of us so you must be a one smart bird, at least smarter than a certain eunuch who said I can fight all of you like this for the whole day. You can work as a postbird if you want but that will be your second job without extra pay, you know people or animal need to work not only for the pay but also for job satisfaction.
Beckett: I disagree, every person or animal has their own price. Money/power/Davy Jones’ heart is the currency of this realm.
Jack: Shut up, Becky.
(1) To check about the postbird, please read the “Dear Captain Sparrow” chapter 2
Note:
No animal was harmed in the making of this parody.