The Stupid Girl
I away seem to do this. Fuck things up in my love life. Recently a friend of mien and I saw that we could easily be more than just friends. If fact, we'd love to be more than just friends. But plans are getting in the way and veery soon, distance will be the biggest problem. A long distance for a long period of time. If not forever. The shitty part is, this could have happened months ago. And I've been kicking myself trying to figure out just why this didn't happen all those months ago. One reason I've seem to come up w/ is we're both shy when it comes to people we really like and neither of us really gave any signals that we dug each other. The other is all on my part. Remember that guy I could only refer to as HIM or the GUY? Well in case you forgot he was the big one. The big first love the big first shitty breakup. The first scar on my heart. And we had just broken that off about three months ago. So maybe one reason I never talked to this friend of mine about being more months ago, is because I just wasn't ready to move on. And I wasn't
So maybe this is all just really bad timing. Is it a sign? Maybe it's not meant to be? Or is it a challenge to see how bad either of us really want this to happen? I'm thinking this is a now or never situation, either we enjoy each other now, or this is never going to happen. Even if he does decide to move closer in a few years or so, we will have changed over that time. Maybe even if we did meet up later in life, it still wouldn't work out. So should we try and make it work for the very short time we have, or just let things go?
But of course I've very fucking retarded when it comes to these things and I can come off as very in your face and very demanding. I tend to be intense. I like to call myself passionate, because I am when it comes to things I feel strongly about or for, but other people label me as intense. Whatever you want to call it, it puts people off I think. Freaks them out. Getting too emotional too soon. And as sexual (aka slutty, easy, promiscuous etc.) as people see me, I am very sensitive and very much craving to be in love. I'm very romantic and I do get attached. But when I fall faster than usual, like in the moment of a first kiss, I get scarred. I was shaking for fucks sake and I couldn't say anything for fear he'd hear he shaking in my voice. Because maybe I'm just shivering, but voices don't shiver. So if I don't speak much he wont know.
But I was shaking from fear, I was terrified. I've wanted this for a long time but never thought it would happen. And what frightens me even more is that I really think he feels/could feel, the same. The first time I ever fell in love and it was one sided. And now that I have something that could really mean something and be mutual, I fuck it up by being dumb and pushing him away. which is stupid because he's leaving so I didn't even need to push him away, he's already going to be gone soon. But that's how much......
And I have told him this. I'm just waiting to hear his thoughts. And I'm too scared to call him so I'm going to wait. And wait and wait, until he writes or calls. Maybe he wont until his last days here. Maybe this whole confrontation is too much for the both of us so we'll just avoid it until it's too late. I really hope that's not what's happening. I don't want that kiss to our last. But then again, it's not solely up to me, and there's only so much I can do. And I think I've done that.
So now all I can do is wait. Some body please give me a distraction from the inevitable over thinking I'm going to be doing as long as I have to wait.
So maybe this is all just really bad timing. Is it a sign? Maybe it's not meant to be? Or is it a challenge to see how bad either of us really want this to happen? I'm thinking this is a now or never situation, either we enjoy each other now, or this is never going to happen. Even if he does decide to move closer in a few years or so, we will have changed over that time. Maybe even if we did meet up later in life, it still wouldn't work out. So should we try and make it work for the very short time we have, or just let things go?
But of course I've very fucking retarded when it comes to these things and I can come off as very in your face and very demanding. I tend to be intense. I like to call myself passionate, because I am when it comes to things I feel strongly about or for, but other people label me as intense. Whatever you want to call it, it puts people off I think. Freaks them out. Getting too emotional too soon. And as sexual (aka slutty, easy, promiscuous etc.) as people see me, I am very sensitive and very much craving to be in love. I'm very romantic and I do get attached. But when I fall faster than usual, like in the moment of a first kiss, I get scarred. I was shaking for fucks sake and I couldn't say anything for fear he'd hear he shaking in my voice. Because maybe I'm just shivering, but voices don't shiver. So if I don't speak much he wont know.
But I was shaking from fear, I was terrified. I've wanted this for a long time but never thought it would happen. And what frightens me even more is that I really think he feels/could feel, the same. The first time I ever fell in love and it was one sided. And now that I have something that could really mean something and be mutual, I fuck it up by being dumb and pushing him away. which is stupid because he's leaving so I didn't even need to push him away, he's already going to be gone soon. But that's how much......
And I have told him this. I'm just waiting to hear his thoughts. And I'm too scared to call him so I'm going to wait. And wait and wait, until he writes or calls. Maybe he wont until his last days here. Maybe this whole confrontation is too much for the both of us so we'll just avoid it until it's too late. I really hope that's not what's happening. I don't want that kiss to our last. But then again, it's not solely up to me, and there's only so much I can do. And I think I've done that.
So now all I can do is wait. Some body please give me a distraction from the inevitable over thinking I'm going to be doing as long as I have to wait.