I'm going to be ok
And for the first time ever, I believe it. Yes mistakes will be made, hearts broken, people will be hurt. But at least I know now that I am smart enough to make the right decisions about everything. To not be lame.
I don't need to put on masks or put up walls and shut people and my emotions out. I can grieve. I need to. I need to feel and I need to live.
All this came to me today in abnormal psychology. We had a class discussion about death and how and if we except it. We were put into groups of three to go over this work sheet on death as Ms. Chavez walked around the room switching from group to group to jump in on the conversation. To see how we think and voice her own opinion. She got to our group last. Right as we got to the page on the worksheet that asked us to discuss how our faith in G_d (or whoever) effects how we feel about and except death. I said I wasn't really sure if I even believe that G_d exists. We talked about church, the best one's to go around here that actually except you for who you are. We also conversed over how dumb some christians can be. Separating into different denominations because of tiny details that when it comes to the big picture, the reason they are Christian, doesn't matter. Chavez told me how she's been where I am. Questioning and confused and giving up. Ready to put those walls up. She said everything I needed to hear. That it's ok to feel and let yourself hurt. No matter what the experience is, good or bad, they are all lessons for me to learn and grow from. You just have to figure out what you need to take away from them and then what to do w/ that wisdom. You can bottle yourself up and become a recluse, or in the words of Gordy you can "keep on keepin on."
I have made the decision to move on. To not let anyone have the power or control over me to make me feel less about myself. To make me want to destroy myself and make me think I deserve that.
We also talked about how all the rules and regulations religions try to place on you about the way you should live your life or worship G_d are so ridiculous. You should be able to confess and talk and pray directly to G_d w/o the need for a middle man. For a priest to tell us G_d forgives us, we should just know that he does because he tells us he does. You can't rely on priests or sunday school teachers or even your parents to teach you about G_d. Because they all have their own interpretations of what the bible says and what G_d wants. You have to look for those things yourself. Find your own answers.
But I don't think I'm going to read the bible. I mean why? I know it's going to tell me that everything I am doing now, premarital sex and whatnot, is wrong and evil and I deserve punishment for it. I am happy the way I am. Why would I want to read something that's going to make me feel that everything that I find pleasure and happiness in is going to win me eternal damnation? Yeah doesn't make too much sense to me.
I know I have always said these things. That you have to let yourself feel and you can't just sit there and become some bitter cold hearted bitch. I guess it just took some one else who didn't know me every well to say it to help me realize that it's really how I feel. And to see that it has worked for some one else, that helped a lot.
I just want you all reading this to know, that they did not force any of these thoughts about religion on me. In fact I am the one who brought most of it up. Just because I wanted to make a point. I was surprised how many people agreed w/ me.
So guys don't worry about me. Gordon you don't have to shoot me, I don't think I've become lame anymore. Just a lapse of stupidity that has gone now. Thank my cock!! haha. But don't get me wrong. It still hurts like hell and I am still crying everyday. My car and bedroom are full of snotted and teared up tissues. I should throw those away before my cat decides to eat them. What a weirdo. *sigh* everything will be alright. Somehow someway sometime.
I don't need to put on masks or put up walls and shut people and my emotions out. I can grieve. I need to. I need to feel and I need to live.
All this came to me today in abnormal psychology. We had a class discussion about death and how and if we except it. We were put into groups of three to go over this work sheet on death as Ms. Chavez walked around the room switching from group to group to jump in on the conversation. To see how we think and voice her own opinion. She got to our group last. Right as we got to the page on the worksheet that asked us to discuss how our faith in G_d (or whoever) effects how we feel about and except death. I said I wasn't really sure if I even believe that G_d exists. We talked about church, the best one's to go around here that actually except you for who you are. We also conversed over how dumb some christians can be. Separating into different denominations because of tiny details that when it comes to the big picture, the reason they are Christian, doesn't matter. Chavez told me how she's been where I am. Questioning and confused and giving up. Ready to put those walls up. She said everything I needed to hear. That it's ok to feel and let yourself hurt. No matter what the experience is, good or bad, they are all lessons for me to learn and grow from. You just have to figure out what you need to take away from them and then what to do w/ that wisdom. You can bottle yourself up and become a recluse, or in the words of Gordy you can "keep on keepin on."
I have made the decision to move on. To not let anyone have the power or control over me to make me feel less about myself. To make me want to destroy myself and make me think I deserve that.
We also talked about how all the rules and regulations religions try to place on you about the way you should live your life or worship G_d are so ridiculous. You should be able to confess and talk and pray directly to G_d w/o the need for a middle man. For a priest to tell us G_d forgives us, we should just know that he does because he tells us he does. You can't rely on priests or sunday school teachers or even your parents to teach you about G_d. Because they all have their own interpretations of what the bible says and what G_d wants. You have to look for those things yourself. Find your own answers.
But I don't think I'm going to read the bible. I mean why? I know it's going to tell me that everything I am doing now, premarital sex and whatnot, is wrong and evil and I deserve punishment for it. I am happy the way I am. Why would I want to read something that's going to make me feel that everything that I find pleasure and happiness in is going to win me eternal damnation? Yeah doesn't make too much sense to me.
I know I have always said these things. That you have to let yourself feel and you can't just sit there and become some bitter cold hearted bitch. I guess it just took some one else who didn't know me every well to say it to help me realize that it's really how I feel. And to see that it has worked for some one else, that helped a lot.
I just want you all reading this to know, that they did not force any of these thoughts about religion on me. In fact I am the one who brought most of it up. Just because I wanted to make a point. I was surprised how many people agreed w/ me.
So guys don't worry about me. Gordon you don't have to shoot me, I don't think I've become lame anymore. Just a lapse of stupidity that has gone now. Thank my cock!! haha. But don't get me wrong. It still hurts like hell and I am still crying everyday. My car and bedroom are full of snotted and teared up tissues. I should throw those away before my cat decides to eat them. What a weirdo. *sigh* everything will be alright. Somehow someway sometime.