SPN 7.04 META
While on the surface, Dean certainly seems to have been pretty unsuccessful at "defending his life" to Osiris, he kind of does do so with Jo. He tells her he has a reason for being the way he is, for feeling so guilty. He needs that guilt. Needs it like he needs his family. Because without it, he's nothing.
...I am 90% crap. I get rid of that, what then?
This is the crux of it, what makes change so hard. Not just for Dean, but for most people. Because even our flaws help us define ourselves. Things that we would love to change we simultaneously are terrified to. Because it’s how we know our self, what we are comfortable with, what we understand. Change is the unknown, and with everything around Dean changing constantly, never the same bed at night, never the same landscape out his window, it’s no wonder he holds on to everything he can. His music, his car, his gun, his brother. His liquor. And his emotional baggage.
That 90% of him that’s crap is so tied up in who he is that he can’t imagine being any other way. He’s like an emotional hoarder, with so much crap weighing him down that he can’t even see over it, it’s piled so damn high. But as useless and hazardous to his health as it is, he can’t imagine living without it.
And so while most people enjoy cleaning out their basement and making space, cleaning their room and tossing out the things that just don’t matter as much, people like Dean just hold on to everything for dear life, afraid that without it, they’ll be lost. So when Dean told Bobby that he has a lock-box he keeps all that crap in, well he’s missing something. He’s missing the fact that if you’re keeping it all under lock and key, you’ll never be able to let it go, and move past it.
That’s where Sam is ahead of the game. Aside from the fact that his time in Hell was a much more redemptive one than Dean's, he also faces his trauma head on. Always has. Faces it, freaks out, deals, and moves on. He’s always been better at letting go. Was the one who left for school. And then after Jess died, left school and went back on the road with Dean. He’s never know any other way. While Dean on the other hand feels the need to cling to whatever he can, because of that distant and vaguely tangible memory of a sedentary life that was ripped away from him, because of a feeling deep inside that he’s eternally being robbed.
( PS-- Did I mention that I ADORED this episode. 'Cause I did. All it was missing was a single emo tear. Ah, well. we got some in the flashback, at least!)