epiphany
I had an epiphany today. (i know- WOW!) I realized that it doesnt matter how much i weigh as long as I'm healthy and that starving and throwing up may make me thinner but I'm so physically weak that i have a hard time walking up the stairs or running. And i would rather weigh more and be in good shape than being sick and unhealthy and skinnier. And i was sitting in the auditorium watching the dancer warm up, and realizing how much skinnier a bunch of them were, and then realizing that I can't compare my body to anyone elses... and that even if i stopped eating for a long time i wouldn't look like that because that's not the type of body frame i have-its not in my genetics. And suddenly everything that people have been telling me for two years clicked- I am fine and beautiful the way I am. And i had the urge to puke tonight, but i have this new willpower that won't let me, because deep down i know that what i always wanted to get from the purging i wouldn't get anyway and that its not worth it. Two years.. its taken me two years...but i'm finally ok.. I'm finally overcoming my eating disorder...